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Why do you feel lonely during NC?

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
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Yesnomaybeso
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Why do you feel lonely during NC?

Post by Yesnomaybeso » Sun Jan 20, 2019 9:06 am

I barely messaged my LO, only saw each other once a month if that. He only messaged me now and then not often like at the start yet I feel lonely. I’d understand if my LO was more present in my life. But there shouldn’t be this void like feeling imo. Is it just because there’s no high anymore?

LadyChat
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Re: Why do you feel lonely during NC?

Post by LadyChat » Sun Jan 20, 2019 9:28 am

I feel like this too. I think it’s because we build them up so much, to be something so important that they kind of take up the space of a group of people of that makes sense?
I’m finding it helpful to reconnect with other friends, reaching out to old work mates and school friends and making plans for nights out and weekends away- gives you something to look forward to.

AmClamClan
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Re: Why do you feel lonely during NC?

Post by AmClamClan » Sun Jan 20, 2019 1:10 pm

Yes of course, we must convince ourselves we love an idea, not a person imo.

Pandora
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Re: Why do you feel lonely during NC?

Post by Pandora » Sun Jan 20, 2019 3:36 pm

LadyChat wrote:
Sun Jan 20, 2019 9:28 am
I feel like this too. I think it’s because we build them up so much, to be something so important that they kind of take up the space of a group of people of that makes sense?
I’m finding it helpful to reconnect with other friends, reaching out to old work mates and school friends and making plans for nights out and weekends away- gives you something to look forward to.
This. I put so much focus on LO that I didn't engage in my other relationships. I'd respond if they reached out, but rarely initiated contact or made plans. Instead I put all my focus and energy into LO, and even if we weren't talking that day or week, even the fantasy of him felt like enough to meet my social needs. It was like eating cake for months on end rather than actual meals. Now that I'm NC there is no cake left, and I have to eat a vegetable or two (a.k.a: actual social interaction with people I'm not limerent for).
Desire is a state,
a state of ill repair.
It's ill prepared to cope,
it's ill prepared to care.

marko
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Re: Why do you feel lonely during NC?

Post by marko » Tue Feb 05, 2019 5:05 pm

Yes, I put all my everything into a fake relationship and failed to build real ones, so I'm lonely as hell. But even that is kind of LE melodrama to exact self pity and loathing which I like to do as well. Deep in this is a complex relationship avoidance component--the LE me wins, but not for long as it all crumbles.

mamasita
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Re: Why do you feel lonely during NC?

Post by mamasita » Tue Feb 05, 2019 5:21 pm

I liken it to drug withdraws. When I was really limerent, online stalking & conspiring for my next fantasy or conversation takes up a LOT of space in your head. So even if you aren't seeing the LO regularly, you are planning on it. You are imagining how things can and maybe will be. It is exhilarating. All your pain feels like old news with the thought of this "perfect" mate. But its all a mirage. There is no relationship, there is no perfect mate. There is sometimes no reciprocation and no knight in shining armor. There's you and your hurts. Sit with the grief and loneliness. Remind yourself of your blessings. Make plans. Reach out to others. Some days I had to re-center and bring myself to the "right now reality" hundreds of times a day. It was lonely. It felt like pushing a boulder up a hill by myself. But I couldn't keep asking others to shoulder it with me. Or distract me. I couldn't distract myself. Feel what you feel. If its lonely, its understandable. It won't stay this way. It is a slow recovery. You got this!

Cookie
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Re: Why do you feel lonely during NC?

Post by Cookie » Tue Feb 05, 2019 5:35 pm

marko wrote:
Tue Feb 05, 2019 5:05 pm
Yes, I put all my everything into a fake relationship and failed to build real ones, so I'm lonely as hell. But even that is kind of LE melodrama to exact self pity and loathing which I like to do as well. Deep in this is a complex relationship avoidance component--the LE me wins, but not for long as it all crumbles.
Wow, yes! Too bad none of us can meet in real life here...we could be lonely together. :p

What's amazing to me is how early it starts. I have my childhood diary, and there's a passage in it where I am already in the cycle: false attachment, rejection, anxiety, attempts to rebond, failure, self-abuse, neediness, false attachment...

But now I use that stuff as fuel for my writing, for my energy when I'm traveling, for anything creative or interesting. You simply have to channel it somehwere!!! I do not think for a minute that this stuff is going to go away for me. But I am coming to peace with what it is and allowing it to be part of who I am.

What's interesting about the limerence is that I now view it as a setback. All that wild emotion is channeled at HIM, another fake PERSON, instead of where it could be useful and productive. And when that happens, the cycle kicks back in.
Person

marko
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Re: Why do you feel lonely during NC?

Post by marko » Wed Feb 13, 2019 6:31 pm

As you, i sensed it young. I also was sure love was the cure. I didn’t know what it required, but was aware no one would love me. I felt loved at home. I think then my attention seeking was for outside family approval. I was sure anyone who smiled at me was the one. No wonder if we just dated i was hooked. Now i see that i exacted self worh from that. Once i felt ssettled i moved on, yet clinging to what was.

JohnDeux
Posts: 1892
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Re: Why do you feel lonely during NC?

Post by JohnDeux » Thu Feb 14, 2019 1:12 am

What I recall during that phase was that the 'lonely' was a direct contrast to feeling 'understood' while in mid-limerence. This was actually one of the keys for me to how delusional the whole experience was for me in this last (of 2) LE's that I've had in my adult years. Because the interactions that LO and I had were all one-sided......all *me* trying to get her attention (which she gave minimum satisfaction to) and then somehow convincing myself that finally someone understood me! The kind of mental and emotional contortions needed to get to that point were pretty phenomenal,......but the aftermath when the LE was done was that I no longer felt understood. And in that realization, loneliness arrived as it does for so many others at this stage.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

daydreamer
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Re: Why do you feel lonely during NC?

Post by daydreamer » Thu Feb 14, 2019 3:28 pm

but IMHO, that loneliness should redirect us and steer toward important parts of our life: SO, family, friends, hobbies. No?

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