What to do?

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Whiskeyjack
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Re: What to do?

Post by Whiskeyjack »

Stephen wrote:
Thu Sep 20, 2018 1:36 am
It's not easy to go back to doing everything alone, but it's getting better.
I'm glad that you were able to write this. It sounds like you're moving forward. As time goes by, it will keep getting better. It's also nice to see that you don't always answer her texts.

I'll echo ReeledIn and say that no contact, except for financial/businsess reasons would be best for you (and like ReeledIn, I'm holding my tongue about what I want to call her). You're grieving an enormous loss right now and contact with her will just hurt more, and get in the way of your healing. You seem like a good guy and you deserve better. Wishing you strength and courage.

Stephen
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Re: What to do?

Post by Stephen »

I have a question for everyone.

This morning I had a tense texting exchange with my wife who has been pressuring me to sign the divorce paperwork. She really wants me to meet with her to sign and notarise the paperwork to start the divorce process. I've been able to put this off the past few weeks because I work during the week and have been busy looking for housing on weekends (today I found a nice apartment!). I honestly don't understand her reasoning for wanting to do this so urgently. What difference does it make at this point? When I ask her all she says is that she wants it done by the end of the year. Today she called me selfish for delaying this, also for betraying her (both which make no sense at all considering what she did), and then she started making demands and gave me a deadline.
I simply told her that I will sign the papers if thats what she wants, but when I feel ready to do it. I asked her to be patient and told her she is being extremely selfish in her demands and that everything cannot happen on her time schedule. I told her that I need time and space from her for a little while. My friend thinks that I subconsciously know that paperwork is the final death nail in our marriage and I'm just stalling. That may be partially correct, but I just don't feel ready yet. I don't see the urgency or how it will make any difference. I still feel traumatised over everything and how she contacts me every few days and only seems interested in pushing me to sign. I will do it because I know there is no salvaging this relationship anymore (despite how much my heart still wants to). It still hurts and it hurts even more that she seems so desperate to finalise everything. It's obvious that she has moved on with her fantasy affair and unless she is planning to get married already I don't see why she is in such a rush.

Am I wrong in delaying and wanting to do this on my own time? Am I being unreasonable?
Last edited by Stephen on Sun Sep 23, 2018 2:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

Havb
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Re: What to do?

Post by Havb »

I don’t think you are, Stephen. I think she is the one with the problem because she can’t wait. If you took 10 years to sign the papers, then I would say you have a problem.
I’ll be curious to hear what others say

Best to you.
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” -Samuel Beckett

There is always more work to be done.

MrSpock
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Re: What to do?

Post by MrSpock »

Stephen wrote:
Sun Sep 23, 2018 1:05 am
Am I wrong in delaying and wanting to do this on my own time?
NO. BUT, you have to be careful on how you determine your own time.

As it turns out, it is actually on your best interest to get this over with as soon as possible so you can break completely free from her and finally move on.

So, one the one hand, you really don't need to bend yourself over backwards to meet any of her demands. If you are busy doing something else that you have to do, or that it would result in a greater benefit to you, then that takes higher priority. But, on the other and, if you really could just do it, but you choose not to because you are still resisting, then I recommend that you stop resisting and get it done.

I don't care what or when she needs this. But YOU need this, and you need it now. So, give it the proper priority because the longer you don't do it the longer you are still bound, the wrong way, to her.

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LisaTranscending
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Re: What to do?

Post by LisaTranscending »

Stephen wrote:
Sun Sep 23, 2018 1:05 am

Am I wrong in delaying and wanting to do this on my own time? Am I being unreasonable?
Hi Stephen...I don't think it's a question of unreasonable. I think you are just being afraid. maybe you need the time to feel less afraid, and this makes you feel somehow in control of a situation that has spiraled all out of your control....but... delay will trigger her anxiety as well.

so this feels perhaps like this could be the last bit of control you feel you have in this relationship. but in truth, we never have the control we think we do with others. they can change. we can change. in a blink of an eye, everything you counted on changes. that's always going to be true about life. and, yes, that's frightening as hell. life can be terrifying.

MrSpock wrote:
Sun Sep 23, 2018 1:56 am
But, on the other and, if you really could just do it, but you choose not to because you are still resisting, then I recommend that you stop resisting and get it done.
the more we resist...the more that negative energy persists. there's no getting around the heartache. there's no avoiding it. you are going to have to go through it and it's going to hurt like hell. no matter how you try to avoid it, it will be waiting for you.

I remember laying with a tooth all day long because the idea of tying a string to it and slamming a door terrified me. at the end of the second day of that stubborn tooth not budging, I told my mom I was ready for the door. bam!

for you, it's going to bam...and then...ouch. for a long time, Stephen. but I think by not getting it over with, you are prolonging your own agony. the sooner you face the truth and get the paperwork done, the better it will be for both of you.

my ex didn't give me a hard time. (well there were a few crazy days between us) I think if he gave me a really hard time we wouldn't be friends now like we are. I don't know if you want to be friends when all this pain is said and done, but you might. and the more amicable this separation, the better chance of finding some kind of ground together in the future.

just saw this french movie on netflix about a man who leaves his wife in middle age for another woman. (Things to come, is the movie) after he leaves her and her life kind of falls apart with other devastating losses, there was a scene in the movie where it's Christmas and the woman he left her for has gone back to Spain to visit her family. (They live in Paris) so he pops into the old marital apartment (He still had the key). she came home from a vacation and said, "Give me my keys, why are you here." and then he says well he's alone for Christmas and the girlfriend is in Spain...(obviously looking for a Christmas invite to be with ex and kids and new grand baby) well....she doesn't invite him. she shoos him away quickly out of the apartment and the next scene is Christmas (he ends up having it alone eating cold cuts reading a book). I thought she should have invited him for Christmas. but not all exes behave the same. but it's worth behaving well during the break up so that when all this agony is over, you won't regret bad behavior and neither of you will have lasting resentments.

the way you feel now is going to change. the anger is going to subside. the confusion and fear will subside. try and not let those powerful emotions like a hurricane swirling around you in this moment push you around. take control more of your emotion than trying to control the situation. because in truth, you have no control of this situation.

at least, from my experience, that's how I see it. not saying I see it correctly, but that's just my spin. hope it helps.
and...don't forget to be good to yourself and treat yourself to a massage, relaxation, a nice walk in nature, you know, stuff that calms you down and gets your body and mind unwound. it's not going to be easy. it doesn't get any easier, Stephen. but all you can do is try your best to go easy on yourself.
take care.

Whiskeyjack
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Re: What to do?

Post by Whiskeyjack »

Stephen wrote:
Sun Sep 23, 2018 1:05 am
It still hurts and it hurts even more that she seems so desperate to finalise everything.
You're not being unreasonable, Stephen, but by delaying and having her in contact with you, you're just causing yourself more pain. Sign the papers when you can, not when you want to. It'll hurt, but getting it over with will allow you to move forward and heal.

CrushedSO
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Re: What to do?

Post by CrushedSO »

I wouldn’t answer her at all. Tell her you will see her in court. Time to fight for what’s yours. She is trying to walk all over you, again. Fight for your 50%.

Stephen
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Re: What to do?

Post by Stephen »

CrushedSO wrote:
Sun Sep 23, 2018 3:36 pm
I wouldn’t answer her at all. Tell her you will see her in court. Time to fight for what’s yours. She is trying to walk all over you, again. Fight for your 50%.
I guess I should have said something in regards to this. We have no kids or property. We already divided our finances and all that is left are a few personal items. There is nothing to fight for in terms of property, money or anything else. I don't believe I can (or would want to) fight to keep the marriage going if she is so determined to get out.

She is just being very impatient, pushy, demanding in getting me to sign the divorce paperwork.

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David
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Re: What to do?

Post by David »

Take your time and sign only when you are ready. Let her haver a narcy temper tantrum if she so wishes. As others have said, dont delay though as it will prolong the pain.
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CrushedSO
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Re: What to do?

Post by CrushedSO »

Stephen wrote:
Sun Sep 23, 2018 3:51 pm
CrushedSO wrote:
Sun Sep 23, 2018 3:36 pm
I wouldn’t answer her at all. Tell her you will see her in court. Time to fight for what’s yours. She is trying to walk all over you, again. Fight for your 50%.
I guess I should have said something in regards to this. We have no kids or property. We already divided our finances and all that is left are a few personal items. There is nothing to fight for in terms of property, money or anything else. I don't believe I can (or would want to) fight to keep the marriage going if she is so determined to get out.

She is just being very impatient, pushy, demanding in getting me to sign the divorce paperwork.
That’s good to hear! It will make it that much easier to move on if there are no kids, custody battles, equity to split etc.

This is a tough one. On one hand, it would benefit you to just sign the papers and be done with that miserable excuse of a person forever. On the other hand, her behaviour has been terrible and by signing, it reinforces her BS treatment of you. I can’t even begin to understand the mental gymnastics she had to do to accuse you of being selfish and betraying her.

Your well-being is number one Stephen. If you are not ready to sign, then don’t. Not once through all of this have you been unreasonable to her. You may be prolonging your agony by not signing and her pestering you and re-opening that gaping wound every time you two are in contact.

If you are not ready to sign, don’t. Also protect your well-being. Tell her you are not ready to sign and for her not to contact you. Period. And that you will only contact her when your are ready to sign.

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