Information: Please take a moment and visit your profile to choose a flag.

S.O.S.

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
Natslife
Posts: 60
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2018 12:24 am
United States of America

S.O.S.

Post by Natslife » Fri Sep 14, 2018 6:49 pm

I'm just having a "moment". I was doing great all week, but now I wonder if it was because I was getting the "hits" I needed and now my LO is no longer ponying up the good stuff and I'm in withdrawal.

He's been away for the week. Left late last Saturday. All day Sunday and Monday I was getting text after call after pic after more pics. He was visiting a friend. It was nice. Nothing remotely bad, just friend stuff, pics of the area he was in, updates on what he's doing, a lovely dog he met, a fabulous coffee shop he found, etc, but the attention and affection for me was very VERY nice. I felt we had a good thing going. That even though we have agreed we have these feelings for each other, and have agreed not to take things any further, I was still important to him, and he wanted to keep connected to me while he was away. From Tuesday he went dark. I reached out to him a few times, and if I did, he would respond. But it was only me reaching out. Same thing Wednesday. So Thursday, yesterday, I didn't contact him at all. And surprise surprise I never heard from him either. Now it's Friday - so far same thing. He'll be back tomorrow.

Tuesday coincided with his work thing starting, and I think it's been a pretty intensive week in a trade show. But as the book says "busy is just another word for asshole. Asshole is another word for the guy you are dating. You deserve a fucking phone call". Of course, I'm not dating this guy, we are just friends, but my whole LE hangs on getting attention from him. God, how pathetic I feel!

I'm sitting here trying to get on with things, but my phone is next to me like a fkn lump of plutonium! I can almost feel it pulsating with the aura of "HE DOESN'T WANT YOU! HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU! YOU ARE A LOSER!" This is shitty.

WHY would he be in constant touch the first couple of days, only to then go dark on me? It's almost like he's checking to make sure we are "good" and once he gets the confirmation that yes, I'm still into him, no need to make any more effort. Or am I just overthinking? My head is spinning right now! I was doing so well, and I'm sure this is just a blip, but it's killing me right now. I have so much work to do, and I can't face any of it!

I feel like I need to go to the place in my head where we are no longer in contact and make THAT the norm. Then any contact I DO get, is not the norm, but just something nice. THIS is the norm - where I don't hear from him for days at a time, and I need to be ok with that. This is a situation where I swear we are both LO for each other. We push and pull, go hot and cold, and it's even worse than having no reciprocation because at least you can draw a line to go forward from with that. With this, I have drawn so many lines, only to have them trashed the moment he warms up again and it's making me crazy.

Whiskeyjack
Posts: 136
Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2018 6:25 am
Gender:
Canada

Re: S.O.S.

Post by Whiskeyjack » Fri Sep 14, 2018 8:14 pm

Hi Nats,
I’m sorry you’re hurting so bad today. The lows are just awful and it sounds like you’re in one. You’re strong and you’ll get through this.
:ymhug:

Pandora
Posts: 189
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:29 pm
Canada

Re: S.O.S.

Post by Pandora » Fri Sep 14, 2018 9:01 pm

That sounds like pure hell, the attention bombing followed by the silence. The last time that happened to me I was on tenderhooks waiting for my LO to contact me again. I was so wrapped up in it, and I started getting really angry and resentful that he wasn't contacting me. I realized that, subconsciously, I thought he owed me his time and attention because I was giving so much of myself to obsessing over him. I thought 'Wait, that isn't fair. He didn't ask you to obsess over him. He doesn't owe you jack shit.' I'd like to say that it fixed my limerent brain, instead I just felt more ashamed of my fixation.

Anyway, it's a long winded way of saying I know exactly how your brain is spinning! I wish there was an easy fix for it. Until we discover that, have some hugs and empathy :ymhug:
Desire is a state,
a state of ill repair.
It's ill prepared to cope,
it's ill prepared to care.

Natslife
Posts: 60
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2018 12:24 am
United States of America

Re: S.O.S.

Post by Natslife » Fri Sep 14, 2018 9:30 pm

That's a great way to look at it actually Pandora! You are right. He doesn't owe me anything! And you are also right that I feel like he does - partly because I am limerant on him, and partly because he keeps feeding my limerance with his attention and then withdrawing it, whether or not he knows he's doing it. Reading what you just said felt exactly like the gentle kick in the pants I needed to get some perspective on this. He actually isn't doing anything wrong. *I* am doing this to me. And now for added fun, I've got his best friend who he went to see on Monday and facetimed me with texting me now too! It's a double whammy of dopamine! I love it when I'm hearing from him (them) and we are laughing and joking, and then he goes dark a couple of days and I fall straight back into the pit. It's ridiculous! This guy is just a FRIEND! I'm not dating him, we are not together, and yet I can't stop these feelings even though I KNOW I'm being crazy!

Charm
Posts: 275
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:10 pm
Gender:
Canada

Re: S.O.S.

Post by Charm » Fri Sep 14, 2018 9:49 pm

I agree with Pandora
Ive been down this road many many times with my LO - the nice flow of txts then a stop then not knowing if he is thinking about you.
So being the super confrontational person I am I asked him about it - maybe my LO voices your LO’s feelings too?
He basically said in his short concise manner these points so maybe it will help you deal with thus rollercoaster:
“You gotta chill”
“If i dont have anything to say, I don’t”
“Just be patient-and have trust in what we have going”
“Im not particularly into texting and rather communicate by phone”
Maybe your LO shares one or two of these?
Regardless, I totally sympathise with the phone being stuck to you like glue and not focusing -
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed 3x
Now in full blown EA and PA

Natslife
Posts: 60
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2018 12:24 am
United States of America

Re: S.O.S.

Post by Natslife » Fri Sep 14, 2018 10:31 pm

Thanks for the comment Charm, that also made me feel much better!

I have now actually heard from him. Unfortunately that has sent me back up again, but at least I KNOW what it is doing to me, and can see how I am reacting to it, and that I am not nearly as good over all this as I like to think I am. But SEEING it is at least I hope a kind of progress! I am still inspired by your rejection of your LO meeting yesterday. That takes some serious strength. I am also incredibly grateful to be here because everyone here really DOES get it! My best friend is amazing, but she doesn't have this problem and finds it really hard to understand why I can't just let go. I can't even explain it myself! So many times he has done or said something that SHOULD make me run for the hills, and I get angry and upset, and she can't understand why I am still giving him the time of day after all the anger dissipates. Plus he's married so as far as she is concerned he is (rightly) off limits and she can't understand why I would even be attracted to him in the first place as she never would be. To which I point out that you can't help who you fall for but you can help what you do about it, and she then responds with the very fact that someone is married is a massive turn off for her and she would never fall for a married man for that reason. And then I end the conversation because I just feel like a POS for even having these feelings!

to apply what your LO said - yes, I think he doesn't have much to say right now, he's busy catching up with old friends, and he's also trying to figure out some stuff (just on a practical level - I called but he didn't pick up, but texted to say he's searching for an address so using his phone for that).

So yeah. It's amazing to have found some people who really DO get it, and know we don't consciously choose to be in this position, or even want to be for the most part. I just need to keep doing the work on me to figure out WHY I am here! And even more importantly what I can then do about it!

Pandora
Posts: 189
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:29 pm
Canada

Re: S.O.S.

Post by Pandora » Fri Sep 14, 2018 11:43 pm

Natslife wrote:
Fri Sep 14, 2018 9:30 pm
That's a great way to look at it actually Pandora! You are right. He doesn't owe me anything! And you are also right that I feel like he does - partly because I am limerant on him, and partly because he keeps feeding my limerance with his attention and then withdrawing it, whether or not he knows he's doing it. Reading what you just said felt exactly like the gentle kick in the pants I needed to get some perspective on this. He actually isn't doing anything wrong. *I* am doing this to me. And now for added fun, I've got his best friend who he went to see on Monday and facetimed me with texting me now too! It's a double whammy of dopamine! I love it when I'm hearing from him (them) and we are laughing and joking, and then he goes dark a couple of days and I fall straight back into the pit. It's ridiculous! This guy is just a FRIEND! I'm not dating him, we are not together, and yet I can't stop these feelings even though I KNOW I'm being crazy!
It's so funny! If someone asked me I'd go 'Of course LO doesn't owe me anything. That's crazy!' But there's what I think I know and my crazy subconscious that doesn't give a shit about reality or how crazy I am being. If only knowledge about our insanity were sufficient enough to cure it. None of us would be on this forum if it was!
Desire is a state,
a state of ill repair.
It's ill prepared to cope,
it's ill prepared to care.

Natslife
Posts: 60
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2018 12:24 am
United States of America

Re: S.O.S.

Post by Natslife » Sat Sep 15, 2018 12:06 am

Yeah today is just basically a write off. Down when I woke up. Up when he finally got in touch. Down again when he rejected my call. Up when he explained why. Now down again because it's been a few hours and he didn't call or text me back. Screw this! I've given up on work for the day. I'm just sitting now dumping the contents of my head into a journal and trying to stop the roundabout.

User avatar
NaturalezaMuerta
Posts: 248
Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2018 5:41 am
Mexico

Re: S.O.S.

Post by NaturalezaMuerta » Sat Sep 15, 2018 7:42 am

Natslife wrote:
Fri Sep 14, 2018 6:49 pm

I feel like I need to go to the place in my head where we are no longer in contact and make THAT the norm. Then any contact I DO get, is not the norm, but just something nice. THIS is the norm - where I don't hear from him for days at a time, and I need to be ok with that. This is a situation where I swear we are both LO for each other. We push and pull, go hot and cold, and it's even worse than having no reciprocation because at least you can draw a line to go forward from with that. With this, I have drawn so many lines, only to have them trashed the moment he warms up again and it's making me crazy.
I feel for you Nats. This is exactly how my experience goes. Drawing boundaries gets harder. Particularly when you are at peace and then a text, a conversation pulls you back in. 8-} this is why working on ourselves is so important. Nobody breaks your boundaries, you put them down. That is what I have realized about me :-s
They are not responding to you and you are not responding to them. *-:)

Anna
Posts: 324
Joined: Wed Jan 25, 2017 11:15 pm
Canada

Re: S.O.S.

Post by Anna » Sat Sep 15, 2018 2:22 pm

thank you for posting this. It's a great reminder of how this insane condition works on us and how it takes over. I have been there. I am not any more, but I can feel every single sentiment you are describing from memory. Reading this helps me to imagine watching myself being in this situation and trying to grasp the patterns that trigger this behaviour. I think for now I am not in danger, but I have to be very very conscious in the future to never step into this trap again. That's what worries me most. I hope the warning signs come early enough for the brain to stop the downward spiral.

I've also had this 'sense of entitlement to attention from LO" , it's like I got mad inside if they dared to have their own time, their own life. HOW DARE HE NOT CALLING/TEXTING/INVITING me . Deep down I wanted them to be completely at my disposal to react to each of my emotional situations (which of course changed with their behaviour) .
WHICH IS TOTALLY RIDICULOUS!!! If someone expected that from me I would turn away and think they are crazy!! WE are the crazy ones!

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 7 guests