Some more early morning ramblings – this topic came up in my groups a few times whilst i was training. Not so much the pros and cons of being in a relationship whilst limerent but the the pros and cons of being in a relationship whilst embarking on significant internal self growth.
-There’s nothing more powerful than being in a romantic relationship to trigger our early life wounds and expose the areas we need to work on
-The co-dependency that goes on in all relationships,even the healthiest will get in the way at times of our own work
-If the other half of the relationship refuses to look at their own contribution, this will put additional strain on the person doing the work
-If the other half of the relationship does take responsibility and starts looking at themselves, this can provide a supportive nurturing environment for both to grow together, its often nicer to share a journey with someone else.
Most of what i read on affair recovery advises the betrayed to give the betrayer an ultimatum – NC or the marriage ends. The betrayer losses all rights to privacy, has to hand over all their passwords, and writes a cease and desist letter to the affair partner which you post so you know it will arrive. that said, this is not what my SO did. Im not sure how i would have reacted had she done this. Perhaps it would have shocked my out of my fogged fantasy?
I would add the caveat that perhaps conscious limerence is a little different, that again maybe its not? Perhaps if we are at a place like here or Tribe, at least we have an awareness we are the ones with the issue and we are the ones that have to work through our stuff.
One webiste i came across in the early days of my limerence was developed by an woman that was betrayed. I don’t thing she was a therapist but seemed to have a lot of common sense. On the site is a pdf for the person being unfaithful. It was well balanced and not full of vitriol and bile. I read it after my wife told me i was having an emotional affair as far as she was concerned. I remember it being quite religious in places – that didn’t stop me getting some insights though on what i was doing to my wife and our marriage.
In the intro she writes
A special note:
This book was written for the partner who had an affair. If that’s not you, then please give this book to your spouse and do not read it. If you want your partner to undo the damage they did by having an affair, then you’re going to have to give them the opportunity to do it—on their own. I know the pain that you feel right now—and I know how hard it might be for you to put this book down. But who can tell your spouse how to soothe your pain better than a person who has also experienced it? No one. Please give me some time alone with your spouse.