This week marks exactly 6 years since meeting LO and over 2 years of total NC, apart from a couple of snatched FB peeks and google searches (fortunately there is not a lot on there for me to gorge on).
I read my journal yesterday from when L first kicked off. OMG – was i unconscious. 😳 Chock full of projections and unawareness. It helped me appreciate how far ive travelled in the past 6 years.
Most days LO doesnt cross my mind although there have been one or two dreams with her making a guest appearance. I wake up thinking, wow, limerence really is tenacious. The total NC has helped the memory fade although i can still go back to the euphoric recall with certain triggers. Im under no illusion that contact with LO would reignite the furnace, likely always will however much personal development work i do. I think i’ll always carry a small flame for her – how could i not given the profundity of this experience.
Growth hasn’t been easy – the first few years of limerence were the most turbulent of my life. I know life will throw me more challenges. With increasing age, loss and bereavement is looming on the horizon. I feel I am now better equipped to deal with such events, however painful they may be.
And yet my parental rescue fantasy continues – perhaps it always will and thats OK. I know this part of me well, I have compassion for this part and just observe my pull to the magical other without feeling the need to act out.
And there is something i’m learning around intimacy. Yesterday I shared a beautiful morning with a gay male friend 10 years older than me. He is teaching me much about how to be connected with another human at a heartfelt level without the need for sexual desire to get in the way. Same goes for SO, her understanding of intimacy has many shades, always has done. I am left with the question, is it possible to have an intimate connection with someone where there is a physical attraction however much growth we have done? And what is physical attraction all about? What makes beauty in the eye of the beholder?
Next week I facilitate a session on intimacy at a ManKind elders gathering. I shall share some of my story there as a way of encouraging others to open up and show themselves and allow others to see into them (Intimacy = InToMeSee).
I was chatting with a therapy friend a few days ago and we were talking about how important it is to give clients hope. I hope my story can give some hope to others.
As we say in MKP “The journey continues”