david.perlLimerence was as much about a mid life crisis for me. I had just turned 50, my business had tanked and I was bored and restless.
Ironically LO gave me a book on this shortly after we met – “the middle passage – from misery to meaning in midlife” by James Hollis – my final year dissertation is based around this transition and spiritual awakening. I feel its a topic that is not discussed enough and just written off as men going off to sow their oats before they get old. the significance is far deeper and more painful for most of us, especially those that choose to use the experience for growth.
As for disclosure, ive expressed my views here about radical honesty. Disclosure to both LO and SO were gradual processes. With LO, its been met with continued defence and denial right to the end of our course.
Fortunately the relationship that really matters, with SO, has fared better. I think it helped SO was in her own therapy and we were also in marriage counselling. Its made our marriage for deeper, richer and closer, in a healthier inter-dependent way as opposed to the dependent-independent dance we had going on for the previous 25 years.
I know I want relationships with friends, family, children and SO that are honest, authentic and without lies and manipulation. The irony is, living a life more honest and conscious is no less challenging but its the way i choose to show up in the world. Yes, its a risk to share such painful emotions with our SO’s but my view was i’d rather risk the marriage then being stifled and not being able to express my feelings fully.
