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Mother is limerent

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L-F
Posts: 4587
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Mother is limerent

Post by L-F »

Oh dear lordy... being limerent is bad enough, figuring out my mother is under the limerence spell is even worse, in my books.

Sharing here because some may be able to relate.
Mother is in her late 70s. Had 3 husbands. All dead, and no, she didn't wear them out. Now she's fixated on a man who lives in another country. A war-torn country doing charity work.

Fixated to the point she is getting plastic surgery.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for love but this is something else. I'm hoping she gets a wake-up call when she realizes getting surgery at her age is no joke. It appears nothing is stopping her from wanting to turn back time plus she's acting like a teenager. Don't even get me started on the social media posey posts.

Some may find this hilarious, but I find it somewhat disturbing and yet another sign of her mental maturity. Some may tell me to lighten up. Fair enough. I am torn between wanting the best for her and thinking perhaps I should just sit back and watch this train wreck and mind my own business. I've not interfered as anything I say gets ignored or shut down.

As for a happy ending. There is no happy ending with limerence.

Have you ever watched someone act like a fool, only to then do a nosedive into the hall of shame and embarrassment? That's where I believe this train ride is heading. But... what do I know? She may just end up looking half her age and ride off into the sunset with her mystical man.

I dislike that she appears to only feel validated by a man at her side. You know those horror stories where the mother chooses the man over her children? That's her. Always needing a man in her life. I really really want to tell her to get a grip and grow up, but, again, what do I know?

Thoughts?
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
marko
Posts: 1870
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: Mother is limerent

Post by marko »

I watch myself playing a fool. LE is feeling validated by whoever. Time helps, can you extend that until it may not be reasonable. I have some reason today, so I'm middle road, but will still place myself often today to stir it up. Again, it isn't reasonable and in LE how can one fight. Can you insert sudden jolts. My 2017 LO would shoot me when she told me to do something for my wife. A shot of undeniable reason took me back a few steps and became reason I couldn't fight. Just thoughts.
L-F
Posts: 4587
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Mother is limerent

Post by L-F »

marko wrote: Wed May 08, 2024 4:25 pm I watch myself playing a fool. LE is feeling validated by whoever. Time helps, can you extend that until it may not be reasonable. I have some reason today, so I'm middle road, but will still place myself often today to stir it up. Again, it isn't reasonable and in LE how can one fight. Can you insert sudden jolts. My 2017 LO would shoot me when she told me to do something for my wife. A shot of undeniable reason took me back a few steps and became reason I couldn't fight. Just thoughts.
Out of curiosity, how would you feel/behave if it was your mother who suffered from limerence?
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5803
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Mother is limerent

Post by JupiterTaco »

So just so that I understand she's never spoken with this man? I don't want to seem over alarmist but watch her if she's online dating Nigerian scammers love targeting people like this.

I think my mom may have been limerent probably more than she's ever admitted but she denied being limerent over the guy she had an affair with that split up her family and his but that could be just a case of her not facing or feelings or maybe he felt more for her than she did him I don't know.

I've talked about the psychopath before so I won't go too much into that but that was the first indication that when my mother was sprung on somebody she threw her whole self into it and she would literally spend hours for years on the phone with this guy or any other guy that she was sprung over which was weird cuz I don't think most of the relationships she was in that she was that way it was so crazy.

Then my mom was I'm pretty sure in over a co-worker she dated off and on. She really liked him and they knew each other for years. He lived with his mom and sister had never moved out that I have heard and she just thought the whole sun rose and set over this man and it was just so weird cuz my mother is not generally that way LOL.

He was largely dismissive avoidant from what I could tell and in all the time that I was around the periphery of him I don't remember him ever spending any time with our family as it was she dated him once when I was in high school for a short time and then dated him again after me and my brother had both been gone in 2005 and neither one lasted long which the way she talks there were times she made it seem like they could get married tomorrow LOL of course by that time I was aware that it probably wasn't true but I just kept my mouth shut LOL.

But one thing that was real noticeable is when my mother became fixated on a friend of my brothers. Really good friend that my brother claims he'd known since middle school but I had never met him until basically some years later all of a sudden this guy was in our lives and wouldn't go away and my mother just talked over the moon about this guy and what a great guy he was and she was always talking about him.

When it first started I was happy to meet him but when I met him he was kind of rude and I saw over the few times I did see him that he was also rude to my mother and she'd keep trying to communicate with him and he'd mostly ignore her and it was so awkward. It became a refrain anytime I visited and he happened to be there that I was being rude to him because I treated him exactly the way he treated me and ignored him and I was the one who was rude for it LOL.

Then sometime later she ended up in jury duty with his would be fiance and it just so happened that according to my mom the attorney that was asking the questions looked like this guy and was fixated on this girl who was his fiance and she just kept going on about it like she told people on the phone about it and told me about it and then when my brother was talking to the guy who was his friend she kept going on about it in this giggly way it was so awkward. I wish I could say that that affected how I acted when I became limerent but LMAO.

My mother hated my step dad for much of their marriage but she chose him over me when she prioritized him over the safety of her kid and then later after they split up over the safety of two kids who are largely just a trigger to him of his failed marriage and God knows what else that I don't even know about.

She didn't prioritize us when my grandmother's abusive third husband spent a little too much time with us she knew he was a danger to kids he'd been proven to be a danger of all kinds to kids and she still had him around us. Ironically she spent her whole life tearing down her mother because her mother was always in abusive relationships and needed a man to survive but really my mother wasn't all that different when you think about it. I don't know if it's just that financially she knew she had to be with somebody or if deep down it was a chemical thing and she just wouldn't admit it.

But you know it wasn't that long ago that women were dependent on men they could not live alone. And the few jobs they could do you had to have a specific personality to do it and you still probably couldn't afford to live alone as a woman let alone retire. There was a time when women couldn't vote they couldn't own property probably couldn't even inherit property. Women had to marry. We don't ever want to go back to those days LOL.

And I keep bringing this up but the movie bastard out of Carolina is a extreme example of this based on somewhat of true events. It's a movie I can really relate to but don't like to acknowledge that I relate to it. But that was also set at a time where there was Little women could do without a man. You saw the mother's life before she had kids it was hard before she had kids and then after she had kids I don't know she would have struggled for the rest of her life.
And I don't think they should outlaw fantasizing about someone's wife, 'cause otherwise what's a guy gonna think about when he's waxing his carrot?-George Carlin
marko
Posts: 1870
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: Mother is limerent

Post by marko »

L-F wrote: Thu May 09, 2024 5:13 am
marko wrote: Wed May 08, 2024 4:25 pm I watch myself playing a fool. LE is feeling validated by whoever. Time helps, can you extend that until it may not be reasonable. I have some reason today, so I'm middle road, but will still place myself often today to stir it up. Again, it isn't reasonable and in LE how can one fight. Can you insert sudden jolts. My 2017 LO would shoot me when she told me to do something for my wife. A shot of undeniable reason took me back a few steps and became reason I couldn't fight. Just thoughts.
Out of curiosity, how would you feel/behave if it was your mother who suffered from limerence?
I would maybe take some comfort and maybe be able to share my experience. I'd be worried about my inheritance as well.
How does it make you feel? Again, I know what it's like to be both, so looking in to someone close vs. us strangers must be enlightening? Sorry this is in your world.
L-F
Posts: 4587
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Mother is limerent

Post by L-F »

marko wrote: Fri May 10, 2024 5:36 pm How does it make you feel? Again, I know what it's like to be both, so looking in to someone close vs. us strangers must be enlightening? Sorry this is in your world.
Enlightened is probably not a word I'd use. Fucking pissed off is closer to how I feel. Like, grow up woman!
But you know, it's hard dealing with a mentally unstable person who has public tantrums like the mother of all Karen's.
I'm not worried about my inheritance, if it all goes it all goes. Then I won't have to worry about her being scammed anymore, and if she runs out of money it might wake her up. Perhaps.
JupiterTaco wrote: Fri May 10, 2024 4:52 pm So just so that I understand she's never spoken with this man? I don't want to seem over alarmist but watch her if she's online dating Nigerian scammers love targeting people like this.
She speaks with him all the time but never face to face, she's worried she doesn't look young enough hence the plans for plastic surgery, etc. I mean, good on her for wanting to look her best, but, this guy is younger than me and I think plays on her limerence. So I suppose they both suit each other? Much like the movie Baby Reindeer. It's difficult to say who is using who, you know.

People reading this would probably be horrified at someone allowing an elderly to become a target of a scam, but then they weren't raised by her. I've tried my best to talk some sense into her, but then good luck to anyone trying to do that to a limerent. She's already told me she is ready to cut me off and I'll never hear from her again if I get involved.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5803
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Mother is limerent

Post by JupiterTaco »

L-F wrote: Sat May 11, 2024 3:47 am
marko wrote: Fri May 10, 2024 5:36 pm How does it make you feel? Again, I know what it's like to be both, so looking in to someone close vs. us strangers must be enlightening? Sorry this is in your world.
Enlightened is probably not a word I'd use. Fucking pissed off is closer to how I feel. Like, grow up woman!
But you know, it's hard dealing with a mentally unstable person who has public tantrums like the mother of all Karen's.
I'm not worried about my inheritance, if it all goes it all goes. Then I won't have to worry about her being scammed anymore, and if she runs out of money it might wake her up. Perhaps.
JupiterTaco wrote: Fri May 10, 2024 4:52 pm So just so that I understand she's never spoken with this man? I don't want to seem over alarmist but watch her if she's online dating Nigerian scammers love targeting people like this.
She speaks with him all the time but never face to face, she's worried she doesn't look young enough hence the plans for plastic surgery, etc. I mean, good on her for wanting to look her best, but, this guy is younger than me and I think plays on her limerence. So I suppose they both suit each other? Much like the movie Baby Reindeer. It's difficult to say who is using who, you know.

People reading this would probably be horrified at someone allowing an elderly to become a target of a scam, but then they weren't raised by her. I've tried my best to talk some sense into her, but then good luck to anyone trying to do that to a limerent. She's already told me she is ready to cut me off and I'll never hear from her again if I get involved.
Well in that case it sounds like you've done what you can LOL so sorry.
And I don't think they should outlaw fantasizing about someone's wife, 'cause otherwise what's a guy gonna think about when he's waxing his carrot?-George Carlin
L-F
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Re: Mother is limerent

Post by L-F »

JupiterTaco wrote: Sat May 11, 2024 5:52 am Well in that case it sounds like you've done what you can LOL so sorry.
Yep, sure have.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
David
Site Admin
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Re: Mother is limerent

Post by David »

sorry to read this - limerence is not a respecter of age and having worked with older limerents i know its equally as painful

i dont have any advice to offer apart from the serenity prayer - is your mother ready to look at her self and her approaching end? As you know, ive often said limerence is the mother of all distraction and what needs working on if you were not absorbed by your limerence?
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
L-F
Posts: 4587
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Mother is limerent

Post by L-F »

You are right, she cannot face the end that is denied to many.

It's as if she wants to relive her life, but minus the kids, as in, she has no interest in building relationships wirh us, she is only interested in sausage

She is obsessed with how she used to look 40-50 yrs ago and constantly uses her old photos in posts

I can sympathize, because of limerence, but it also takes on a new meaning when it's a parent experiencing it

I hope she is able to look at herself and face her demons. I won't hold my breath, but miracles can happen
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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