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Me again, crept up on me again.

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
marko
Posts: 1870
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Me again, crept up on me again.

Post by marko »

Just wanted to post to let this out. Crying eases the mind that wants to rehearse things for the lo so the pain goes down. Serial Limerant here and was free of last years lo since Septemberish. I thought I could head off another by stopping all my negative scripts and being careful how I interact with people. I got past the last LO by reiterating how dumb and impossible my thoughts were, etc. Recognizing my deep wounds and not resting there. I missed that it doesn't heal the occasional attack of lonliness. No mental games erase that hurt.

This one, I made a comment about Van Gogh and got into a conversation that turned into really nothing. I'm a month in and just felt a possitive vibe, still cautious and then all noticed I was rehearsing some ideas, and one day while driving in I had to change shirts as I sweated though from the kick ass metabolism thing I get from this. Oh shit, not again. A week long buzz, little sleep can't get her face out of my thoughts. I know this last a time until you get a grip and fight back. Today I did, then the pain finally hit as I try to remove my heart from where it has no home. I can't beleive how much this hurts. It's not from this, but the life of this comes pouring through it. The hurt causes the spiral to try and nudge the LO, and get a buzz with nothing more than a HI. Reroute to run into her etc. The usuall hit to remove the sting. I never bring the LO to now. I go back and wish I could date and get to know here how it should be done. Not the way I do it, just to elicit acceptance. It crashes because it will never be more than a fantasy which is beyond belief that one can spend so much mental time there. The most hated part of this.

Revelation. To be that pathetic that a positive interaction can be taken as--this person must be into me. They like me, if only one person would like me. They talk to me, must like me--can just one person like me. Then the reality a few minutes later, that even if they do, they can't and neither can I. So I panic and figure out how to defuse what I might have done. Did I throw energy to evoke that which I feel is love? If they pay me attention, I have love. Walking away from something so simple hurts this bad--yes.

Then I think this is my life pattern. Be friendly until they are hooked (sometimes grossly exaggerated) just to feel love, and then pull away. What a wreck I am. I have a friendly connection and am just trying to keep it there. The anxiety makes me bubbly and fun. I hope she just sees a friendly person. She fits the profile. Quiet, looks like she could use someone friendly to talk to. I want to be the man, bring fun and cool things. Be the person she would want. Then I laugh as last time. This person finds you interesting or someone to talk to, just how you are, but no, you feel so shitty you think you need to become someone you are not. This time I quit that as best as I can. The last one, hid by me, more to get out of work--I thought she had a crush. This one smiles when she sees me. She never smiles. My le mind thinks she has a crush on me. Why can't I just leave it alone that my fun funny part just gives her a smile. I forget that my deep emotion in this is my mentally ill life pattern and if they were coming for you, they'd be the one finding their way into your pattern--enough said.
L-F
Posts: 4587
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Me again, crept up on me again.

Post by L-F »

Sorry to see you back Marko.
You could be right, this might be your life pattern, for life. Who knows, only you can alter that. All the best.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
marko
Posts: 1870
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: Me again, crept up on me again.

Post by marko »

As it quickly leaves these things come to mind. I feel like I'm more apart of their life than I am and now stress over how I dissapear. The LE notion of wanting them to be your friend becomes stupid. That idea is just a "keep it alive" thought. I hash over, how can't I make a friend--oh yah, I just want to be liked--not a friend building concept.

As a serial I feel I have no base to return to. If it isn't this, I'm overdoing something else in order to feel good. 2017 led to a Scotch collection, last year led to a return to stereo gear all the others one thing or another.

This aftermath is so hard as you build in something that resembles life. Disinterest and depression constantly want to stir--futility weigh in and with nothing left you feel empty. I know this stage as it is tearful because you can't support it any longer. The rehearsing and planning become unnecessary as you avoid hatching it. The return to my life is actually less stressful, but sad.
marko
Posts: 1870
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: Me again, crept up on me again.

Post by marko »

Then you feel ok. My OK is not good, it means I'm scripting as I daydream. I have to run my brain scripts and realize I've been daydreaming this person back into my life, of course that doesn't stop--too late full on again. Script half the night, wake up, feel stupid get to work and then it really hits so I avoid LO. Start to script what I'd say if we end up in same space and away I go. If it feels like reciprocation, I panic and figure out how to distance. Then think how anything works. I'm mentally a kid with this. Have a crush, enjoy it and then run. Just like my marriage. I play the LO said one nice thing, why did her thing stick out vs the rest. Then you spin it around and there it is. Overthinking it all. I say, don't go that way, then oh what the hell. Think about it, she's not purposing herself in your world-it's only you. End of term will end it with NC and I'll swear off another.
I'm at one repetitive thought on someone who said something nice and I need to stop. Damn, can't even enjoy that.
marko
Posts: 1870
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: Me again, crept up on me again.

Post by marko »

Is it outright delusion that when I'm buzzing I look better in the mirror? Do I somehow see what I think the LO wants to see? My extreme projecting of outcomes and even who and what the LO's are disturbs me. I feel so bad that I put my wife on the LO pedestal. I was possessive and panicked over everything. This panic is present now. The "what if she hates me" makes me want to test if it's true--the reason for unwarranted contact. I've been able to stop that more with "why the hell would she hate you, not noticing you isn't hate, you keep this up she will hate you." It all seems like delusion or something.
marko
Posts: 1870
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: Me again, crept up on me again.

Post by marko »

There she is, we talked for quite a while--like normal adults. Could have kept a moving. Trying to detect acceptance is another never satisfied issue. I play with why her? Of all the types, why do we click? This is reality, why can't I just let that be. Why on the way home will I spawn a future, then catch myself and deflate it until I cry. It usually begins with why did she tell me what she did "you said I was a delight to have here", I want that always to be. Others say kind things, but it doesn't grab. Shot of the drug will keep me well. Like the other day when LE was low, everything is futile. Now I feel normal even though I know by my heart rate that I'm pushing a tiny bit of LE adrenaline. Is that what makes me different. My brain has so connected a life of these thoughts that it just pumps out a feel good--until I drive home and the reality of what I've done sets in.
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5803
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Me again, crept up on me again.

Post by JupiterTaco »

So sorry Marco. I think for some of us this just becomes a life pattern that we've got to always be mindful of. I've had to take great steps to keep specific boundaries with people in my case to avoid this happening again but I'm pretty certain that it will always be some kind of a struggle for me.
And I don't think they should outlaw fantasizing about someone's wife, 'cause otherwise what's a guy gonna think about when he's waxing his carrot?-George Carlin
marko
Posts: 1870
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: Me again, crept up on me again.

Post by marko »

I'm absolutely drunk on this again. I become numb to reason and make preposterous plans. I've dropped a bunch a weight again, however at least I can sleep. I'm an addict and pain only enters when I know I have to let go. I tried engaging with the LO often as the more you know about them, the less appeal they have. Right now that doesn't even matter. As soon as I get here, it all drops and I try and be normal to give no false signals. I can't trust any of my thoughts. I act professional, but make up reasons to consult etc. The planned scripts at night, I dump before the door. I catch myself before I talk about cool stuff in my world. I try. When I do avoidance, there she is. Other than enjoying small talk, she has not even come close to flirting or anything like that. All I need is a "HI" and i'm madly in love.

There it is, the whole problem right there. I'm trying to dissect that and remove it from the script. Every relationship that I felt love has been this limerent feeling. It's a whirlwind of emotion, but it's sick because it's only meant for self. It points to how hard I tried to keep the buzz with even my wife. I never loved her. I wanted to do exactly what I do now. I want to wow them into loving me. They liked me before that, I have to internalize that. I'm a fake, slave to inducing chemicals to feel love. I need to replace the feel good with it's just nice to exchange with humans. It's not love, and the absence is not hate. They don't hate you because they are having a bad day and weren't happy to see you etc. The jealousy over lack of attention reminds me how needy and possessive I am. I am trying so hard right now to catch situational and self manipulation. I use music to manipulate, but I love music as well, so I sucks to stop things that help me stay high. What a struggle.

Stop by later, when you could have finished now. Oh, I have an idea to run past you. At night they are far grander ideas. The reality moments and you at least kick stupid ones out the window. Remain calm, oh I feel fine, that interaction was nothing--arm pits soaked from the adrenaline point to a massive internal struggle. I hate it, I love it. Hate will win, I'll feel stupid and wonder what the fuss was about. Don't dare smile at me.
marko
Posts: 1870
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: Me again, crept up on me again.

Post by marko »

So then when you hear the words "my boyfriend" it crashes into what you already knew. Even then it didn't matter as this person is and will never be yours. Limerence can pretend beyond those words a bit. Now the test, can you really coexist without this LE. I feel crushed and rejected, though she didn't crush nor reject. I feel a fool. I feel all the pain of growing up and never being accepted or being chosen as special. As the end of the day approaches it will be a chance again to put things in perspective and cry tears of utter pain. I know them well. I want to run and hide from this person I used to try and validate myself. The mind spins to how did she see me? How do I fit in, in all of this. I bet I spin some positives. I already told myself her thoughts didn't change one bit. Hearing reality told me things that aren't true. I picture that I become a better person because I'll learn a "friend" zone. I'll fool myself in many ways in the near future trying to still be what I pretended I was. I'll have to return to the shit storm I created. Blah.
marko
Posts: 1870
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: Me again, crept up on me again.

Post by marko »

Just as expected. My 'bf" only made me a bit sad. LE just kicks in and I can be bigger and better than anyone, and she'll always like me. I remind, she will never be available, and then daydream her in my life somehow. Typing this helps me away from the stomach churning awfulness. Just can't erase her face every second.
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