Wife hiding an affair and pushing divorce

[JupiterTaco]

Also, this is super judgemental of me, but having an affair over video games just seems immature to me. It doesn't seem like much of a foundation for a relationship. She may be older, but this seems like maybe she was a bit immature for marriage.

I think that sometimes when you see people that consistently date younger people that's the reason why they really are immature. That's based on my own experiences being trampled on by older people you date them thinking they're more mature either because you really are more mature and they need that or because they're just trying to get to you. This couple's age difference doesn't seem that big but red flag.

[L-F]

I don't know if the ultimatum is called for or if the age gap is a red flag on her part, because I don't know both sides of the story.
And as for having an affair over video games being immature, idk, what's the difference falling for someone you've never met, then meeting them and starting an affair? Or falling for a musician online or at a concert and then having the opportunity to hook up? All sounds the same to be but then, we are talking limerence.

We've yet to hear from the OP and my guess is, we probably won't. Who knows

[Zsababy]

She had an affair so I'd say it's more than limerance or a distant obsession. Just picturing someone ignoring their marriage and getting sucked into a video game world seems very young to me.
And I've referred to my obsession with a musician as teenaged many times. Both of these things are based in escapism; all limerance is but these things seem even more so.
And 26 & 30 is only 4 years but when you're young, that can be a lot as you develop so rapidly mentally and emotionally.

[Zsababy]

Yes, I don't think we'll hear from him. I've noticed that some people who've come here and on FB to talk about their limerant spouses really don't like what they hear & they back away.

[Zsababy]

Gah, I can never put all my thoughts into one post!
I don't know if an ultimatum is called for either & no, we don't know the whole story, but if it were me, I'd give one at that point. Maybe not involving legal paperwork, but...
Again, I wonder how much of this has to do with money. I'm guessing a lot more than has been described, but like you said, we'll probably never know.

[JupiterTaco]

A lot of people don't end relationships due to money, there are articles about it. Crappy Childhood Fairy talks about it. It's bad.

Also I don't want to seem like I'm making fun of or judging immature people, it's just an observation I've had. So many people are emotionally stunted in a specific age range because of trauma so they seek out their emotional peers. I'd imagine that's also a subset of sex offenders, particularly the Romeo And Juliet types.

There's also a difference I think between people who are just attracted to younger people and people who seek them out because they can manipulate them easier.

[Kev]

She went ballistic when she found out I made our separation legal, she just wanted a SPOKEN separation, so she countered the equal division and hasn't talked about marriage problems since that started. I even just laid out a legal response letter stating very clearly that I seek reconciliation, and if she agrees to try and make meaningful effort towards reconciliation, ALL of the paperwork and legal stuff pauses.

ummm... This legal stuff. Is it being used as a form of manipulation or punishment by any chance? Just curious due to the wording that if she goes along with what you want then "ALL of the paperwork and legal stuff pauses"

Kind of sounds like an ultimatum to me

Totally get how that could be a thought. Overall, the legal family notice stuff was just for preservation of our life while she's off doing whatever she wants. I've never been good with this kind of stuff, so I had to force myself to realize this was the right decision, especially if she eventually snaps out of this, our assets won't have been destroyed in the process.

My intention with the reconciliation letter was never to set an ultimatum, but rather to just actually figure out what her intentions were. She's been very careful with her words not to say "divorce", never actually being forward with me about anything she wants, or goals she has. When I was given the option by my lawyer to halt everything and try for reconciliation instead, I jumped at that opportunity hoping that maybe the chance to put the stress of the legal stuff behind us would be a positive thing for her. Unfortunately it wasn't, and It just made me realize how little she wants to fix our marriage with her refusing before even considering it.

[Kev]

Also, this is super judgemental of me, but having an affair over video games just seems immature to me. It doesn't seem like much of a foundation for a relationship. She may be older, but this seems like maybe she was a bit immature for marriage.

As of getting married I've definitely made immature mistakes due to me being younger, part of the process I guess, but every mistake helped us grow and learn to be better together. I've never once regretted getting married or wished I was older before I got married, and she didn't have regrets either. But your comment about the immaturity on her behalf strikes at something, and that's personality change. She went from hardly ever playing video games to nearly ever night until 2am, and even during work hours, there was a massive change in maturity. My wife is (or was, I suppose) one of the most mature, intelligent, hard-working and focused people I've ever met, but she had this fun side that I loved. When I started noticing the difference in her, all those qualities were dampened and she mentioned my age a LOT. How I was just too young, or that she liked this guy cause "he's older and gets what I get" (even though there's only 4 years difference between us and I get all her references and whatnot).

[Kev]

I don't know if the ultimatum is called for or if the age gap is a red flag on her part, because I don't know both sides of the story.
And as for having an affair over video games being immature, idk, what's the difference falling for someone you've never met, then meeting them and starting an affair? Or falling for a musician online or at a concert and then having the opportunity to hook up? All sounds the same to be but then, we are talking limerence.

We've yet to hear from the OP and my guess is, we probably won't. Who knows

The age thing WAS a concern for her back at the beginning of our relationship, but over time I proved to her that I wouldn't pursue a relationship unless I was serious, and showing that she didn't care anymore. Or so I thought, as she definitely used that against me as of this whole fiasco starting. Her her meeting on a game, the change was how MUCH she played games. She basically gave up every other hobby she had (and she had a LOT of hobbies) to play games and chat with this group... and this guy. I had no idea what limerence was when this started, but as I found it because of this situation I realized a lot more of her actions made sense.

With the reconciliation paper (I totally see how folks get ultimatum out of that), it was more-so intended as a definitive answer I suppose. She has tip-toed around words like "divorce", but her actions couldn't speak louder with her immediate refusal. It made me realize how far this has gone, how gaslit I've been, and that I may just have lost my best friend of near 7 years.

[L-F]

My son is going to be 23 soon and has just bought a house with his partner who is 27. I have never met such a perfect match, neither immature nor trying to be something they are not. Fuck the age gap, that's for people projecting their shit. Focus on what's important to you and if you can stand by her and work out this horrific limerence thing together then all thumbs up to you. Again, focus on what matters to you.