Loneliness & limerance

[HenrySilver]

I’ve also been trying to understand where this limerence comes from. As a child, my parents were never around. They were always working. They were never the type to instill confidence or positive reinforcement with me or my siblings. But despite that, I think I had a pretty healthy childhood. I was fed, clothed, I went to school. I wasn’t physically abused (outside of typical disciplinary spankings). That’s a lot more than many others can say. I felt fortunate to have the family I have.

I suspect this inclination to be limerent comes from later in adolescence. I grew up watching tons of TV. I remember having an idealized image of what a relationship should be, particularly what a “best friendship” between two people of the opposite sex should look like - Constant validation and reciprocation. This probably all affected me on a subconscious level in my adulthood. This need for validation not only impacts my relationship with my LO, but also my wife.

Anecdotally, it seems most people with limerence had relatively uneventful childhoods. It’s strange how otherwise well adjusted people can become so consumed by limerence later in life.

[David]

I’ve also been trying to understand where this limerence comes from. As a child, my parents were never around. They were always working. They were never the type to instill confidence or positive reinforcement with me or my siblings. But despite that, I think I had a pretty healthy childhood.

that doesn't sound healthy to me form the child's perspective - our culture brainwashes people into believing emotional absence / neglect from parents is OK

[L-F]

Re developing unhealthy coping mechanisms

even if your home life wasn't that bad.

I don't think kids go around creating

dysfunctional coping skills

for the hell of it, In my opinion of course. There has to be a reason, aka an unhealthy environment.

I suppose it boils down to the old debate 'nature vs nurture'. There may be the odd kid with dysfunctional wiring or brain chemistry at birth. The rest is created whilst growing up when their brain is developing, (such as the impact of emotional and/or physical neglect -
think of kids raised in orphanages where they rock from side to side).

[Zsababy]

I’ve also been trying to understand where this limerence comes from. As a child, my parents were never around. They were always working. They were never the type to instill confidence or positive reinforcement with me or my siblings. But despite that, I think I had a pretty healthy childhood. I was fed, clothed, I went to school. I wasn’t physically abused (outside of typical disciplinary spankings). That’s a lot more than many others can say. I felt fortunate to have the family I have.

I suspect this inclination to be limerent comes from later in adolescence. I grew up watching tons of TV. I remember having an idealized image of what a relationship should be, particularly what a “best friendship” between two people of the opposite sex should look like - Constant validation and reciprocation. This probably all affected me on a subconscious level in my adulthood. This need for validation not only impacts my relationship with my LO, but also my wife.

Anecdotally, it seems most people with limerence had relatively uneventful childhoods. It’s strange how otherwise well adjusted people can become so consumed by limerence later in life.

I think what your comment says about a childhood being "not that bad" ie not overt abuse & coping skills. It sounds like your childhood was pretty lonely and you used TV as an electronic babysitter, as has happened with so many of us with the advent of TV decades ago. There's a lack of nurturance there.

My Mom was very nurturing but my Dad wasn't around much. A lot of my issues were also related to peer alienation. I think using fantasy is a typical thing for kids to do-- one of the most common practices is having an imaginary friend. This is often considered normal in terms of a child's development. For me, I feel like limerant fantasies are an outgrowth of the "imaginary friend" phase. It's basically a learned reflex to compensate for loneliness, which was my original point.
So no, I don't think a childhood needs to be dramatically bad. I'm guessing that abusive childhoods often result in other kinds of trauma bonding, ie connecting with abusive partners. Or if there is substance abuse, becoming either a rescuer or a person with a dependent personality.
I think a lot of us had emotional neglect--ie we always had food on the table and no one hit us-- but we began to use the "imaginary friend" tool to meet our emotional needs for nurturing and companionship.

[Zsababy]

Oops that first sentence was incomplete- I think I meant that your sentence perfectly resonates with my original post.

[Zsababy]

And when I say an outgrowth of the imaginary friend phase, I'd say that we keep using it past the normal age, which might be 3 or 4, but we keep using it past age 5 or so when we should be connecting with other school kids

[Zsababy]

Gah, it's 3am and my thoughts are fragmented.
Re: imaginary friends, I remember having an imaginary boyfriend around 1 or 2nd grade, maybe later. I knew it was abnormal and would be afraid I'd get discovered. I would have fantasies of kissing & snuggling but didn't know about sex. But I'd say they were quasi-sexual. So this was definitely a habit from a really early age.

[L-F]

I’ve also been trying to understand where this limerence comes from. As a child, my parents were never around. They were always working. They were never the type to instill confidence or positive reinforcement with me or my siblings. But despite that, I think I had a pretty healthy childhood.

that doesn't sound healthy to me form the child's perspective - our culture brainwashes people into believing emotional absence / neglect from parents is OK

Workaholic parents, helicopter parents, heck just about every parenting style qualifies.

[L-F]

Agatha Christie ( British crime writer) claimed to keep the imaginary friends of her childhood well into her 70s just because she liked having them around.

There's a load of info as to why kids have imaginary friends. According to one psychologist, up to 45 percent of children have an imaginary friend at some point.

[L-F]

I shouldn't read at 3am lol... Certain words people use like 'stuck', or random topics will fire up my imagination.

I wonder how the research on limerence & maladaptive daydreaming is going for the lady who asked for participants on here. You could do a poll to see how many limerents had imaginary friends (which I believe is normal up to ages 9 - 10, not to mention the benefits of having them). Lonliness could be one reason kids have them and going by your experience Zsababy, was true for you.