Loneliness & limerance

[Zsababy]

So as I like awake with insomnia and relying less on pictures of my LO to cheer me up, I've been thinking that my pattern of limerance stems from loneliness in childhood, of escaping into fantasy as I felt very disconnected from other kids. I did have a few friends though & I did have some fun but I still felt alienated sometimes. My point is that it wasn't extreme, so why would I get this escapist habit?

Also, I'm not alone. I'm in a LTR. But once my BF asked me "you're not with me because you're afraid to be alone, are you?" That was some years back & the answer was partly yes. But now I'm bonded with him & feel secure. But somehow I also feel lonely. I guess that's where the escape comes in.

Just 3am ruminations...

[JupiterTaco]

I think it doesn't actually matter how bad your home life was I think what matters is your coping skills that you learned to deal with the more unpleasant aspects of life. I know that was the case with me. When I was a child I was forced to live in a way that goes against my natural needs as a highly sensitive person so I know that I used fantasy to escape the stress of constantly having to be in a situation where I was always dealing with other people.

[Zsababy]

Bumping this topic. This evening, I was really feeling the void of having so few friendships, and also how some old friends have either faded away or they keep me at arm's length. This makes me so sad. It also reminds me of how I had fantasies of friendships as a child. I did have friends, but only a few. I don't mean the imaginary friends of early childhood, but just fantasies of having a big, fun social circle.

I grew up with terrrrrible social skills and have only grasped many things late in life. Most of the time, people found me amusing or they felt sorry for me, yet I was always on the periphery of circles. And my social anxiety was crippling at times, so that didn't help.

As I'm 57, friendships from younger years have faded, and is common at this age, I'm having a hard time making new ones. I thought I made a new good friend but she's moving to GA. One of the things I fantasize about is just joking around with my LO. He's very funny & charming. A lot of my fantasies in general are of parties. I used to really struggle with them.

I guess for me limerance is kind of like alcoholism; when I worked as a clerk for substance abuse counselors who worked with the elderly, a lot of their clients drank because of loneliness.

I'm also one of those people who can feel lonely in a crowd...
I guess I'm really feeling it because I've been sick in bed for a week and my Mom may or may not be dying. I was my Mom's best friend (of sorts) growing up & she was mine. It was positive mostly, but sometimes emotionally incestuous. I'm beginning to cry as I write this. I have triggers about this, like when people want me to be their therapist or lean on me too much, but when she goes, I know I will miss her desperately. Desperately sounds like a sad & borderline creepy word choice, but there will be times where I know there will be a big hole in my life.

I don't think she'll live through this year. She has AFIB & a small benign brain tumor. She's been in the hospital twice in two weeks; she passed out while sitting on the couch.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling. I just have no one to talk to right now. It's 4am.

[Zsababy]

I think it doesn't actually matter how bad your home life was I think what matters is your coping skills that you learned to deal with the more unpleasant aspects of life. I know that was the case with me. When I was a child I was forced to live in a way that goes against my natural needs as a highly sensitive person so I know that I used fantasy to escape the stress of constantly having to be in a situation where I was always dealing with other people.

I can weirdly relate. I found being around other people stressful because of extreme social anxiety, yet I'd want to be alone almost so that I could fantasize about successful socially.

[Zsababy]

BTW Jupiter Taco, your insight is very on target. You can have dysfunctional coping skills even if your home life wasn't that bad. I guess my social anxiety made it difficult for me to meet my social needs in a normal way. I have always wondered about this paradox: if I'm so lonely, why do I want to escape people so badly?

[L-F]

if I'm so lonely, why do I want to escape people so badly?

Maybe because people don't live up to your expectations? Idk, I'm just throwing this out there and partly because I'm rambling and think it's more fitting with the way I viewed the world.
For me, it's easier to dream of how one ought to be treated as opposed to accepting how one is or has been treated, but having grown up, I get to lay down the rules in terms of my expectations. As a child, I wished I had a different family or at least a loving family with all the bells and whistles like they showed on tv. I think tv, books & movies play a large role in one creating a fantasy world. If only we could become invisible when touchy/feely so&so turns up, etc. I don't know about you but I was never permitted to own my own body. Check out twelve conventionally acceptable forms of child abuse, from "Separating from your parents" by Daniel Mackler
https://www.limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=897

[JupiterTaco]

BTW Jupiter Taco, your insight is very on target. You can have dysfunctional coping skills even if your home life wasn't that bad. I guess my social anxiety made it difficult for me to meet my social needs in a normal way. I have always wondered about this paradox: if I'm so lonely, why do I want to escape people so badly?

Incompatible people can make one more lonely than being alone I've found.

[Zsababy]

This is true. BTW, Jupiter Taco, that's one of the best insights I've ever heard, about the coping skills. Therapists often focus on how bad your childhood was or wasn't, but as you pointed out, it doesn't have to be that bad. It's just a matter of learning coping strategies that worked as a child when we didn't have more resources or intellectual capacity or maturity

[L-F]

Netflix 'Beef' is an excellent example of a "normal" childhood with the odd comment made which set the main actors up for life to have certain ideas that then created habits. Nothing drastic. Just simple things said that changed the way they behaved. Won't say anymore in case anyone wants to watch it. But highlights how "simple" things can have a lifelong impact on a normal kid in a normal environment but in an unhealthy way.

[L-F]

Ahh stuff it, lol

*** Warning Spoiler Alert *** If you're going to watch 'Beef' read no further........



Both main actors felt lonely too. They carried wounds from their childhood that impacted not only them but had a ripple effect on those around them. For example, the female actor overheard her parents fighting about money and the cost of food when she was young while she was eating so hid her candy wrappers. This was shown towards the end but it then made sense why she was obsessed with making money, and adding to that, her daughter had an insatiable desire for candy. The actors made light of "Western" therapy and how it doesn't work given their cultural background, yet, it was evident these so-called innocent incidences had a huge lifelong impact on their well-being and behavior, resulting in them having an all-out war. Or rather, their 'Beef' with each other was an underlying unconscious rage stemming from childhood. During the show, it slowly dawns on them. Neither had an abusive childhood as such.

Just goes to show how sensitive children are, and how parents can f up a kid's life without realizing it.