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Its been 5 years, advice?

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Ashcee
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Feb 24, 2023 12:24 am
Great Britain

Its been 5 years, advice?

Post by Ashcee »

Hi all,

Ive been having on and off sexual relations with this guy since 2017 (i know… a long time). He’s never given me mixed signals at all I knew from the beginning that it was just a casual hookup situation. I think my obsession/infatuation with him started mid 2018 but I can’t figure out what triggered it for me. He has no idea that I feel this way towards him, he thinks i feel the complete opposite.

I know I’m suffering with limerence and Im actually getting tired of it now. All i do is think of him like constantly and I haven’t even seen him in over a year. Im really stuck on what to do, it’s draining for me at this point. I date other guys but still think of him and compare them to him, it’s madness! I only post on my social media for his attention… him acknowledging me just excites me idk. I know me and him can never be together because he has a gf but I have these thoughts of him leaving her to be with me.

I haven’t told any of my friends that I’ve been feeling like this about him for almost 5 years. I just want to be over him, please any advice at all? I’ve tried the no stalking his social media but the longest I’ve gone doing that is 5 days.
JupiterTaco
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Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Its been 5 years, advice?

Post by JupiterTaco »

Well I suppose I don't have to tell you that sleeping with him wasn't helpful. Even if you go into it thinking what you think, the chemicals can come in and throw everything off-balance. It's really like playing with fire. I'd recommend cutting it off and going no contact to heal. All the answers to the other whys could come later, but they won't while you're stuck in the fog of limerence.
"Men are fooled so easily. Women wrelike spiders. They'll pull you into their webs and...wrap you up so tight you can hardly breathe," Griselda Blanco, Cocaine Godmother
David
Site Admin
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Location: London UK
Gender:
Age: 64
Great Britain

Re: Its been 5 years, advice?

Post by David »

Loiise Perrys book, the case against the sexual revolution is insightful. Woman are not wired for sex in the same way men are. As JT said above the neurochemicals released during sex in woman increase attachment. I appreciate this goes against the narrative of equality however sadly not all things are equal.

Heres is a talk for more info:

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L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Its been 5 years, advice?

Post by L-F »

David wrote: Sun Feb 26, 2023 2:50 am Woman are not wired for sex in the same way men are.
I agree. Men have sex to create babies (impregnate as many women as possible), while women have sex to trap man :))
Joking.
But I do agree the wiring is different.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Its been 5 years, advice?

Post by Zsababy »

I agree with Jupiter. Generally speaking, in my experience, I wouldn't get attached with a guy if the sex was bad or if he had a bad personality trait, like low intelligence ( no nice way to say it). If the sex is good, OTOH, it's hard not to feel connected.

I agree with Jupiter Taco. If he's taken, then sleeping with him will just mean torture for you. Break all ties as soon as you can; that's my take.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Its been 5 years, advice?

Post by L-F »

Zsababy wrote: Mon Feb 27, 2023 8:24 am If the sex is good, OTOH, it's hard not to feel connected.
Is it because he does something you like or is it the connection? Or does good sex cause you to feel connected? I mean, we feel connected to others, like parents for example, that we don't have sex with (one would hope not), so sex isn't really about feeling connected right, when you can feel connected without it.
Trying to understand the connection part and how sex plays a role.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
David
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Location: London UK
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Great Britain

Re: Its been 5 years, advice?

Post by David »

What makes for good sex?
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Its been 5 years, advice?

Post by L-F »

David wrote: Mon Feb 27, 2023 11:28 am What makes for good sex?
Yeah, ditto... asking for a friend
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Its been 5 years, advice?

Post by Zsababy »

L-F wrote: Mon Feb 27, 2023 10:08 pm
David wrote: Mon Feb 27, 2023 11:28 am What makes for good sex?
Yeah, ditto... asking for a friend
Haha, well, there's one aspect of a former lover that I won't divulge but you might guess....

But a lot of it has to do with how sensual & passionate they are, and in order to express those things, you need to be pretty self-confident. My current BF is inexperienced and lacks confidence. I'm always trying to help him build confidence with self-hypnosis & books, not just for sex but because he gets treated badly at work sometimes & he's not assertive in our relationship.

That aside, passionate sex, in my experience, is on a whole other level than just mechanics. My former lover was not great looking but I was extremely attracted to him. He was not just skillful but would say lots of things (sometimes he went overboard) and he always made a point of appreciating me. You can have pretty detached sex; I've had some and it leaves you kind of disgusted, in my experience.

I didn't feel that connected to this person till we had sex. He's very different than me and sometimes he's even embarrassing to be with because he's always dressing & talking inappropriately. I think if the sex was bad, I might have cut him loose, but it was amazing, like transcendent. He was kind of a sex addict so he was pretty skilled. Also, I'm in my 50s and I'm a lot more relaxed than when I was younger. I'm nowhere near as self-conscious or inhibited.

There's the TMI for the day!
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Its been 5 years, advice?

Post by L-F »

Zsababy wrote: Wed Mar 08, 2023 7:45 pm
But a lot of it has to do with how sensual & passionate they are, and in order to express those things, you need to be pretty self-confident.
Self confident or self aware?
Sensual + male??? Are men even this? Joking-ish
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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