Death Blow

[NickMarone]

I wish I could think of or say anything remotely positive but right now I can’t. Can anyone?

Yes, but would it make a difference?
At least you are sharing your thoughts here which I hope helps, even if just a little.

Thanks for the kind words of hope. This is all well and good today. But that euphoric jolt I get when I see and talk to her and then the come down when she leaves and I again come to grips that I can’t be with her. It is like dying over and over again. The emptiness in my soul is so real and almost unbearable.

Nick

[L-F]

You haven't yet learned to separate the fantasy from the real person. It takes time.

[NickMarone]

You haven't yet learned to separate the fantasy from the real person. It takes time.

Just checking my work logs, we've spent about 160 hours together as co-workers. And that is one-on-one alone time with no one else in the room on a joint project(s). And we talk about pretty much everything. And actually produce a high level of quality output as far as the tasks we are assigned. I've had LTR's (although I've never co-habited with anyone) where I have not had nearly the time together or intimate conversations that I've had with my LO. Or haven't "known" my actual SO's as well as I know her. Also, I've never had a female friend with anything close to this level of closeness. Of course, there is nothing physical.

Anyway, I'm not taking exception to what you said in the slightest. It does seem the more I get to know the "real" her the more taken I am with her. The attraction is building and not dwindling (on my part). And the amount of emotional energy I've expended (If that's the right way to put it) into the relationship is very high. Therefore, the letdown of knowing it is really a huge dead end and that she is unavailable, literally feels like a weekly kick to the groin. I go through the grieving process weekly each and every Thursday. It is just deep anguish and suffering over and over and the cyclical nature of it is really putting me through the emotional wringer.

I'm kind of at a loss over whole thing. I'm on tilt emotionally. Trying to make some sense of the LE. I guess the good thing is I look forward to work on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I don't think I've ever looked forward to coming to work in my life. I know it is limerence but I cannot distinguish this from real affection and love. I don't even think I know what that is, if this doesn't qualify.

I've had a handful of LE before. But those were usually situations where I'd see someone and sort of fall for them. Dream about them a bit over the course of a few months and maybe see them on occasion but basically, I've never had such regular contact with a LO. It is like seeing her twice a week is just too intense.

Thanks for listening.

Nick

[L-F]

The notion of fantasy vs real, is going by the fact you identify this as limerence. If it isn't limerence then perhaps it's about the qualities you admire. And there's nothing wrong with that.

You'll fall out of love for her at one point or another. Nothing lasts so no need to overthink the fantasy vs real her. Enjoy it and do nothing. Or do something.
Out of curiosity, do you talk to a T about this?

[NickMarone]

The notion of fantasy vs real, is going by the fact you identify this as limerence. If it isn't limerence then perhaps it's about the qualities you admire. And there's nothing wrong with that.

You'll fall out of love for her at one point or another. Nothing lasts so no need to overthink the fantasy vs real her. Enjoy it and do nothing. Or do something.
Out of curiosity, do you talk to a T about this?

Just for interest sake, when you say "do something", what would that entail? I'm intrigued.

It is nothing to be enjoyed. For every super charged minute spent with her there's a huge comedown and downward spiral as I realize once again, I'll never have her. Every day is Sisyphus-esque. My mind doesn't comprehend that she isn't available and for a few minutes I'm thinking I'm making romantic headway, only to have reality rear its ugly head. It's a feeling of anguish to be relived over and over. NC is not an option and she is married and, I don't think has any strong feelings for me.

I have been seeing psychiatrists since I was 22 for major chronic depression. I've really been depressed since age six, at least. My current doctor isn't familiar with the term limerence, but other than semantics, she has a good grasp on what I'm going through. I think I'm going to try Ketamine and some EMDR stuff to see if it'll bring some relief.

Nick

[L-F]

I think I'm going to try Ketamine and some EMDR stuff to see if it'll bring some relief.

Well that's doing something. Do you feel your depression/state of mind locks you in? I'm intrigued as to how much limerence & depression crosses over (I'm not talking about the usual dopamine crash you get after a high, no different to coming off sugar in a sense, there's always a crash after a fix). I'm questioning if one is able to look at fantasy as being fantasy if chronically depressed.

My mind doesn't comprehend that she isn't available

Does depression play a part in the above?
Your first post states you know about limerence, in your opinion, is limerence different if the limerent suffers from chronic depression and if so, how?

[NickMarone]

I think I'm going to try Ketamine and some EMDR stuff to see if it'll bring some relief.

Well that's doing something. Do you feel your depression/state of mind locks you in? I'm intrigued as to how much limerence & depression crosses over (I'm not talking about the usual dopamine crash you get after a high, no different to coming off sugar in a sense, there's always a crash after a fix). I'm questioning if one is able to look at fantasy as being fantasy if chronically depressed.

My mind doesn't comprehend that she isn't available

Does depression play a part in the above?
Your first post states you know about limerence, in your opinion, is limerence different if the limerent suffers from chronic depression and if so, how?

For me, the depression is kind of unrelenting so I'm bouncing around from task to task (limerence, gambling, whatever) just to get some minor distraction and relief. And possibly a dopamine fix. So, I would say being depressed and isolated primes one for a LE.

Depression also magnifies the crash after the LE. For me, depression makes me personalize the LO "rejection" to the point where it zaps my motivation for living, self-esteem and confidence.

I don't think the depression makes the idealization factor go higher.

Nick

[Zsababy]

I've heard good things about ketamine & I'm doing EMDR and it works. You'd think it wouldn't but it does. I'm doing it for an attack incident but I'm going to do it for childhood stuff.

I apologize for not following too much, it's a lot to take in & apologies if this already came up, but is changing jobs out of the question?

[L-F]

For me, the depression is kind of unrelenting so I'm bouncing around from task to task (limerence, gambling, whatever) just to get some minor distraction and relief. And possibly a dopamine fix. So, I would say being depressed and isolated primes one for a LE.

Depression also magnifies the crash after the LE. For me, depression makes me personalize the LO "rejection" to the point where it zaps my motivation for living, self-esteem and confidence.

I don't think the depression makes the idealization factor go higher.

Nick

That's really interesting. I can't imagine having a chemical imbalance, I'm assuming there are strategies that wouldn't work for you that may work for someone who isn't depressed, such as meditation, self-help books, affirmations, etc.
Has anything worked for you in the past?

[NickMarone]

I've heard good things about ketamine & I'm doing EMDR and it works. You'd think it wouldn't but it does. I'm doing it for an attack incident but I'm going to do it for childhood stuff.

I apologize for not following too much, it's a lot to take in & apologies if this already came up, but is changing jobs out of the question?

Well, I've accrued a lot of benefits (salary, promotions, perks) over the years that would be lost if I were to leave. I have considered it, though.

Nick