My LO asked me to coffee

[Risingtothetop2]

So if I were attracted to a man and he invited me to coffee and we both acknowledged the mutual attraction but had no fantasies of being together, getting involved…etc talked about our mutual hobbies, our kids accomplishments, and our respective spouses activities….is this the same thing?

[L-F]

So if I were attracted to a man and he invited me to coffee and we both acknowledged the mutual attraction but had no fantasies of being together, getting involved…etc talked about our mutual hobbies, our kids accomplishments, and our respective spouses activities….is this the same thing?

If you are both single then there's no issue. If you are not single and limerent, there's your problem right there.
Hope that helps.

[L-F]

So if I were attracted to a man and he invited me to coffee and we both acknowledged the mutual attraction but had no fantasies of being together, getting involved…etc talked about our mutual hobbies, our kids accomplishments, and our respective spouses activities….is this the same thing?

If you are both single then there's no issue. If you are not single and limerent, there's your problem right there.
Hope that helps.

The problem is when one has a significant other and hides their attraction to someone else. If on the other hand one was open and honest about this attraction to another with their SO, then there really isn't a problem

[David]

The best definition i heard of an affair is where we keep secrets from our SO.

If when seeing people of the opposite sex on a one to one basis and you'd be happy for the conversation to be replayed to your SO, ie nothing to hide than that wd be OK.

I cant speak for women but i do know most men are seeking more than interesting conversation when having such liaisons, maybe not always sex, but some form of validation from the feminine. In other words, unconscious mummy issues .

[Significant other]

Risingtothetop2: If you believe that in a marriage, exclusivity (sentimental and physical) and trust with the partner are not fundamental and you agree to it in advance, then go ahead. For the rest I think that it is considered as a deception, by action or by omission.

[JupiterTaco]

There's a difference between attraction and limerence too. Attraction possibly one can take or leave it, but limerence is all-consuming. For many limerent-prone people maybe it starts there. When I was less self-aware I wouldn't have bothered to distinguish between the two in the beginning. But my advice is that until a limerent knows what drives their specific limerence, they really should avoid these situations.

Also, and this may just be my experience but the people most likely to be cheated with are not single lonesome people that couples so much seem to try to avoid to avoid the situation; they're other married people who may be unhappy or just bored in their relationship and already have access to potential affair partners in the guise of friendship.

[Risingtothetop2]

Very interesting. I see the point now. If it’s just a crush or slight infatuation it doesn’t have the potential to wreck your life. I see. So here is the addiction aspect of having no control over the emotion. Like obsessively imagining, or anticipating an intimate life and or relationship with your LO. Also, I don’t agree that most men who seek women’s attention have hidden agendas or mommy issues. Certainly some do as women secretly may want to be rescued, or defended but to paint most men with such a broad brush seems absurd to me.

I’m open to hear from men on this issue. Are all men looking at women this way? Thanks

[L-F]

I think mutual attraction is fine, personally, though this is something my SO and I discuss openly, so there's nothing to hide.

Also, I don’t agree that most men who seek women’s attention have hidden agendas or mommy issues. Certainly some do as women secretly may want to be rescued, or defended but to paint most men with such a broad brush seems absurd to me.

You raise a good point. I also don't subscribe to the notion that ejaculating into a woman is primal or hard wired, etc, because then this excludes gay men. Are gay men not subject to the same primal urges? I view the statement often made about men needing any woman to spread his seed as being somewhat driven by societal discourse rather than actual unconscious desire. Men choosing men over women has been around since creation.
But then I don't like men anyway because I don't trust them and am happy to use a broad brush. Broad brushes don't sweep up all men, the same way a large broom doesn't sweep up all the dust.

[Risingtothetop2]

Point taken. I guess being a woman who has had men and women “characterize” me based on my personslity, sex, and friendliness makes me defensive to “broad brush” statements. I have been painted by them in the past by persons who uniformly discarded my character because it threatened them in some way. I personally could not be in a marrige when friensdship with the opposite sex was “outside of the marriage” contact, or considered adultery.

I acknowledge that these frienships can be a risk to some but i think in the final analysis of my life i would not want to have disregarded or eliminated anyone who potentially has something meaningful to contribute to my life based on their attractiveness or chemistry.

Just my two cents

[L-F]

Point taken. I guess being a woman who has had men and women “characterize” me based on my personslity, sex, and friendliness makes me defensive to “broad brush” statements. I have been painted by them in the past by persons who uniformly discarded my character because it threatened them in some way. I personally could not be in a marrige when friensdship with the opposite sex was “outside of the marriage” contact, or considered adultery.

I acknowledge that these frienships can be a risk to some but i think in the final analysis of my life i would not want to have disregarded or eliminated anyone who potentially has something meaningful to contribute to my life based on their attractiveness or chemistry.

I totally hear you. Being married and friends with the opposite sex is fine in my view, its when limerence takes over that things start becoming tricky. As JT pointed out, sometimes limerence starts at friendship. Can I be so bold as to ask if friendship and mutual attraction is off the table being talked about with one's SO (assuming there is an SO)?
Again, being friends with the opposite sex really isn't an issue. Many can maintain these relationships in a platonic way.

Yes people can often be threatened when insecure. Sorry to hear you experienced this.

David mentioned something awhile back about flirting and I absolutely agreed 100%, I just wish I kept what he wrote about it. It helped to put SO in his place with regards to flirting. When I shared what David wrote he could finally see the little boy within and oddly, doesn't have a need to flirt anymore. In fact, he's civil, courteous, and straight forward the same way he is towards men. In other words, he grew up.

So there's friendship and there's flirting (potential for disaster if prone to becoming limerent).