BECOME A MEMBER AND EMBRACE EXCLUSIVE ACCESS
Unlock exclusive features and connect with like-minded individuals by upgrading to our premium membership.
As a member, you'll gain access to our members-only forums, where you can:
Engage in meaningful discussions: Read, create, and search all threads and posts, fostering a vibrant community of like-minded individuals.
Establish deeper connections: Utilize our private messaging system to connect with other members on a personal level, fostering meaningful relationships.
Enjoy these benefits and more for just $2.99 per month, payable securely via PayPal.
Membership is flexible, allowing you to cancel anytime without any hassle.
Sign up today and embark on a journey of personal growth and connection. Join our community of passionate individuals and unlock a world of possibilities.

Click https://limerence.net/membership-accoun ... p-checkout

A dilemma that shouldn't be one

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
DreamingBlue
Posts: 224
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2020 11:33 pm
United States of America

A dilemma that shouldn't be one

Post by DreamingBlue »

It's a simple question. After 5, almost 6 months NC, can I simply send a Happy birthday email?

I see it like a small deposit in the bank account of the friendship I hope can exist some day down the line. A chance to send some "just thinking of you" friendship goodwill from the midst of an embargo. I also see it for what it is - self-bargaining, brought upon my limerent brain. Like a drunk looking for an excuse to "have just one" at the holidays, or a coke addict saying "I've been clean for 6 months, I'm no addict!" and doing a line.

My previous LO serves as an ideal - it fizzled without harm or foul or even disclosure. She became human in front of my eyes our of daily familiarity and exposure of normal flaws. I'd LOVE that to happen. I'd LOVE to not be infatuated with this LO and instead just know her as a cool friend. Would really love that. So that side of me wants to send a message. But so does the other side. I admit that.

I know what your answer is. I'm afraid I may ignore it, and regret it. If I do, I'll do my best to keep it short and not too sweet.
David
Site Admin
Posts: 3859
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Gender:
Age: 64
Great Britain

Re: A dilemma that shouldn't be one

Post by David »

What do you want to achieve by sending a birthday greeting?
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
DreamingBlue
Posts: 224
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2020 11:33 pm
United States of America

Re: A dilemma that shouldn't be one

Post by DreamingBlue »

A feeling that we are still in some small way, connected. Not strangers who will never see each other again.
David
Site Admin
Posts: 3859
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Gender:
Age: 64
Great Britain

Re: A dilemma that shouldn't be one

Post by David »

There’s usually a deeper reason below the surface. I suggest you keep asking yourself the question “and why do I want this?” Why do you want a feeling if being still connected to your LO?
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
DreamingBlue
Posts: 224
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2020 11:33 pm
United States of America

Re: A dilemma that shouldn't be one

Post by DreamingBlue »

Because I miss her, I'm still infatuated with her? Because she represents a "cooler" woman that I could have ended up with. More artistic, more fashionable than my wife. I hate to say it but even more beautiful than my wife, who is beautiful. I can't bear to completely say goodbye.
DreamingBlue
Posts: 224
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2020 11:33 pm
United States of America

Re: A dilemma that shouldn't be one

Post by DreamingBlue »

Hmm, thanks David. That was revealing.

My decision, after some time torturing myself, looking at pictures of her in her happy romantic relationship, is NOT to send.
I'll take my pain now rather than later. And I'll keep the NC streak alive.

I'm in love not with her, but the idea of her, and what her looks and beauty and style suggest or false-promise to me.
David
Site Admin
Posts: 3859
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Gender:
Age: 64
Great Britain

Re: A dilemma that shouldn't be one

Post by David »

In my experience it ultimately comes down to us not feeling good enough about ourselves. You allude to this in your comment about her being unattainable in your eyes.

There is the saying that goes if you spot it you’ve got it. So if you see these qualities in your LO then they are in you as well somewhere, usually buried deep

the work is to make this Unconscious material more conscious
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: A dilemma that shouldn't be one

Post by L-F »

I came across a post that went something like this... (wish I could find the link!)

Two couples were out at a bar. A beautiful lady walks past. One wife catches her husband looking and she sneeringly says to him "why are you looking? You couldn't get her if you tried!"
The other man in the group leans over and quietly says to the married woman "you know, you really shouldn't put yourself down".
The woman looks confused.
He says "if he can't get her but he can get you, what is that saying about you?"

Don't put yourself down DB. Enjoy your life with your beautiful wife and start loving life!
Peace x
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
DreamingBlue
Posts: 224
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2020 11:33 pm
United States of America

Re: A dilemma that shouldn't be one

Post by DreamingBlue »

Thanks, L-F, I know you're right.

Had a great moment tonight at dinner party where I looked at my wife, and realized, if I were there as a single man, and saw her across the room,
there would be very little chance of me not having an instant crush on her. Her long dress, boots, luxurious long brown hair, sweet soft skin. I would have been all over her. And she's mine.

But these images, this story, this searing interest and curiosity and fear of regret surrounding LO is so horribly persistent. I wish I could receive a secret dossier of all her faults and shortcomings, because I see none of them. So I fear that these intrusive thoughts of her will persist, and it terrifies me.
I hear that limerence ends, but the only way it has ever ended for me in the past has been through meeting someone else (bad option for me) or through seeing LO every day and her shine wearing off. A non-option for me.

My greatest fear is loving her all my days. That sounds silly even to me, but I don't think I've ever had feelings like this for anyone. Maybe because unlike the others, this relationship has been almost 100% in my head. I guess that makes me feel somewhat better, but then again, it doesn't, because I feel crazy.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: A dilemma that shouldn't be one

Post by L-F »

DreamingBlue wrote: Mon Nov 29, 2021 5:48 am I wish I could receive a secret dossier of all her faults and shortcomings,
It wouldn't make any difference. Trust me.
DreamingBlue wrote: Mon Nov 29, 2021 5:48 am But these images, this story,
Never forget it's just that. A story.
And you're the storyteller.

People get so wrapped up in their own story they forget to see it for what it is.

I guess CBT is the same as changing the storyline? Perhaps try creating an alternative story whenever thoughts of LO occur? Have you tried that?

Whenever thoughts of LO popped into my head I'd say "its just a story".
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 13 guests