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Question-- trying to back out of this "relationship"

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Maddie
Posts: 1515
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Question-- trying to back out of this "relationship"

Post by Maddie »

Isn't this a better idea that continuing to engage with him?

I can't bring myself to NC, but maybe soon I can.

Thanks for any feedback.
Last edited by Maddie on Tue Sep 24, 2019 11:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

F. Scott Fitzgerald
Charm
Posts: 288
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Canada

Re: Question-- trying to back out of this "relationship"

Post by Charm »

Maddie - your suggestion is probably one that I will take as well since I simply cannot do NC - or wont do it. But if we stop all intimacy and frequent texts, I think it will definitely die down.
Its the fuel that makes the limerent fire burn right? So if we limit the fuel, its bound to burn out??? Right???
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed 3x
One year of EA and full PA
Now free and a survivor of LE
Pandora
Posts: 399
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:29 pm
Canada

Re: Question-- trying to back out of this "relationship"

Post by Pandora »

I have no idea if it's a better route or not. However, I wanted to share something that I did that worked for me. I had an instance where I could see myself beginning to go limerent about someone in a weekly group I attended. I did not want to go down that path with this guy, so I prayed. I prayed that my thoughts would be turned away from this person, that I would see all their faults and they would become unattractive to me.

The next time I saw the guy? I noticed that he had an absolutely horrible memory (things I told him a week ago were apparently so unimportant he couldn't keep them in his mind), he had control issues and a need for attention that was exhausting. I felt irritated by him. Now I don't think of him at all. (This isn't to say that he wasn't a good person - just suddenly his faults stuck out to me like a sore thumb)

If you're not religious, you can just 'pray' into the ether or create a mantra or whatever. I have no clue if this would work for an established limerent relationship, but it might be a tool you can use if you're open to it.
I'm not here to be a creep,
I'm just feeling complete.
Take me home.
Whiskeyjack
Posts: 152
Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2018 6:25 am
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Age: 56
Canada

Re: Question-- trying to back out of this "relationship"

Post by Whiskeyjack »

Maddie wrote: Fri Sep 07, 2018 10:54 pm Isn't this a better idea that continuing to engage with him?
Yes, yes and a thousand times yes. Anything you can do to limit contact is a great idea. It worked wonders for me. I still saw LO around the office a few times after I determined that I needed to get out of my LE. However, I was able to control the level of contact I had with LO and this helped immensely. It wasn't quite NC, but it was the next best thing. Same with you. You can be in control of the level of contact with your LO and that'll give you some breathing space until you're ready for NC. Heck, LO may do NC for you when he realizes that there's no "benefits" to the friendship. That would be hard for you, but you'll get out of your LE faster. Don't just rely on LC though. Make sure you do the work on yourself.
Good on you for having that talk with yourself and taking control of things. Sending strength.
Maddie
Posts: 1515
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United States of America

Re: Question-- trying to back out of this "relationship"

Post by Maddie »

Ty all for the replies! .

@pandora- ty! Yes, prayer works. I have no doubt . Ty for the encouragement and the reminder!!!

@WJ- ty so much! Your encouragement means a lot. I'm trying....

Peace to all of you on your journey. We can learn from each other :ymhug:
Last edited by Maddie on Thu Feb 21, 2019 10:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

F. Scott Fitzgerald
Charm
Posts: 288
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:10 pm
Gender:
Canada

Re: Question-- trying to back out of this "relationship"

Post by Charm »

Maddie wrote: Sat Sep 08, 2018 9:44 pm
@charm- yes, surely LC will temper the flames! I can't remember, but if you did consummate your relationship with LO, did that cause a lot of negative emotions?
YES & YES!
We consummated in a very awkward way in the back of a car and I needed/wanted/desired more after - i have said it before Limerence, for me, and all the sexual desire that goes with it is like a tapeworm in your gut - it is insatiable - I can spend 2 hours in the back of the car, 1 hour on the phone or txt till my fingers go numb yet I want more and more and it hurts when I dont get it.
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed 3x
One year of EA and full PA
Now free and a survivor of LE
Whiskeyjack
Posts: 152
Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2018 6:25 am
Gender:
Age: 56
Canada

Re: Question-- trying to back out of this "relationship"

Post by Whiskeyjack »

Maddie wrote: Sat Sep 08, 2018 9:44 pm Ty all for the replies! Very helpful!!

@charm- yes, surely LC will temper the flames! I can't remember, but if you did consummate your relationship with LO, did that cause a lot of negative emotions?
I am struggling today, as I went to see him last night. I begin to totally downplay any negatives about him, of course, and desire him even more. See, he pulls back, or we pull back (yesterday) and then he makes an even bigger play/move (last night), which I think heightens LE. What I'm focused on today is all that I could lose! Maybe that will help me pull back . in my case, he'll never love me, we'll never be together. He can't help me other than to help me reach an orgasm, lol. Seriously though, very little good can come of this.
Sorry you're struggling today Maddie. This is a hard road to travel.
It's good that you're thinking about what you could lose. I did the same thing and it was a real eye opener when I realized the answer was 'everything'. My Th said that an affair would have hurt me more than it would have hurt DW (I'm sure DW may have a different opinion).
I gotta wonder though...are you thinking about what you could lose, or are you really THINKING about it. What I mean is are you REALLY feeling what it will be like to lose what you have to lose?
My DW doesn't just love me, she ADORES me. Yup even after all this time. The light and love in her eyes and her smile is beyond words. When I come home, she skips to the door with a huge smile on her face, that light in her eyes, and gives me a huge hug and a kiss. Always. She calls me by pet names in a sing-song voice. Hell, she hardly ever uses my real name. She's fun and funny and wonderful to be around. She's always touching me. I'm a lucky guy.

Ok. So now I've gone too far with my LO and fucked things up. What then? The light and love go out of her eyes. I don't see her smile at me anymore. She doesn't come to the door when I come home. She talks to me in a flat voice and uses my real name all the time. She doesn't touch me and I can't touch her. I see her broken and crying, and I realize that I've destroyed her soul.
...and don't get me started on DS...

So I lived this in my head and it hurt. Bad. No other person is worth what I would do to the ones I love. It was one hell of a motivator to deal with my shit. I was able to embrace and accept my pain of withdrawal knowing that I was avoiding worse pain and the pain was just pain. It wasn't going to kill me.

So feel this Maddie and keep in mind that it's not just you who can lose, it's also everyone else in your life you hold dear.

Strength and hugs.
Maddie
Posts: 1515
Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2018 1:09 am
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Re: Question-- trying to back out of this "relationship"

Post by Maddie »

Charm- I understand where you're coming from- I often feel that LE is insatiable. In that way, much like a drug. Tolerance builds and you need more and more...but, quitting all together seems scary for some weird reason...triggers attachment stuff and grief I believe

@WJ- that is some real stuff, man! So all those consequences didnt have to occur before you woke up? At first I thought you were saying all of that did happen....I love where you said "no person is worth hurting the ones you love "--- that is profound. And, where you said the pain won't kill me, the pain of withdrawal....ty so much. I am happy you are recovering and your family is intact! Praise God.
Take care y'all :) :ymhug:
I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

F. Scott Fitzgerald
Whiskeyjack
Posts: 152
Joined: Mon Jun 18, 2018 6:25 am
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Age: 56
Canada

Re: Question-- trying to back out of this "relationship"

Post by Whiskeyjack »

Maddie wrote: Sun Sep 09, 2018 10:57 pm Charm- I understand where you're coming from- I often feel that LE is insatiable. In that way, much like a drug. Tolerance builds and you need more and more...but, quitting all together seems scary for some weird reason...triggers attachment stuff and grief I believe

@WJ- that is some real stuff, man! So all those consequences didnt have to occur before you woke up? At first I thought you were saying all of that did happen....I love where you said "no person is worth hurting the ones you love "--- that is profound. And, where you said the pain won't kill me, the pain of withdrawal....ty so much. I am happy you are recovering and your family is intact! Praise God.
Take care y'all :) :ymhug:
Heh, I reread my post and I guess I could have been more clear. I meant that I put myself through an intense visualization process where I made sure I actually felt the consequences of going too far with my LO. Not a place I like to go, but I needed to go there for a bit.

Keep up the good fight!

:ymhug:
Maddie
Posts: 1515
Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2018 1:09 am
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Re: Question-- trying to back out of this "relationship"

Post by Maddie »

Oh my....so today I wake up with the thought of how much I do love my husband. It's love, not limerence, and I'd like my actions to line up with that. A turning point: I watch what an excellent father he is to our kids, he slept on couch last night, this is a regular occurrence. He's also been pretty sick here lately. I'm worried. Did I do this to him indirectly?
I am tormented by this addiction, but I am beginning to see the destructive, futile nature of my relationship with LO.
On the one hand I am waking up, on the other hand waiting for a hit.
I also worry about what LO will say when I tell him that we need to back off.
Will I be able to break it off?
I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

F. Scott Fitzgerald
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