Fired Therapist

[L-F]

I was always terrified of people thinking I was interested in them when I wasn't really.

That's interesting JT, I wonder how many LO's think the same.

That little part of ourselves that likes being flirted with by the same gender (or even opposite gender), that part of self that entertained and/or enjoyed the mixed signals, that's where we will find our answers. I completely understand feeling angry or annoyed at LO playing their part, and I completely understand wanting to blame them, however, none of it is something we can fix or change [I'm referring to LO and/or the past ].

All very confusing when it comes to sexuality and to upbringing, societal norms/narratives, etc. Limerence is enough to battle on it's own.

[Asha999]

Well thanks for the update request L-F! I appreciate that you had concern for me! I was struggling mightily at that point you would've written that.

OK since my last update last summer, there was that much anticipated trip with LO and friends to my family cottage... she canceled 24 hours prior. I don't think I had that in this thread. I was not surprised because I always felt like she would flake out on this. I remember last summer going sitting in the room that she was going to stay in and I could feel this massive energy floating through there. I BELIEVED this thing was going to get consummated or whatever. When she canceled it, i was severely disappointed but not shocked. I cried some major tears. She had a valid reason to cancel, but she also had somebody else, One of my teammates, Purchasing her plane, tickets for her. It was very rude.

OK, so that was a year ago. I didn't really talk to her until I saw her again in the fall and we just kind of went through the normal push pull situation...zero communication to me directly about cancelling on an invite to my home for a week. Meanwhile, in the fall, my marriage officially imploded, and my husband was horrific... Like violently angry with me when he had heard I had talk to my friends about the fact that we are getting divorced. He would literally stand over me and scream, all sorts of things about how I'm fucked in the head, I'm a narcissist, I'll never get over the fucked up life that I've had, He's going to take me for Every cent that I owe him for for ruining his life. Over and over about how I've ruined his life. I spent a lot of the fall calling lawyers and thus understanding that I am completely financially screwed in the situation and will owe him half of what I made From selling my business while we were married and probably alimony and child support because he's lived so well off of my career while doing basically nothing much of the time (he was NOT a stay at home dad, just an entitled Failure to launch). Let's just say I spent a good six months in a dark hole of depression ruminating on that situation, the limerence and everything in my life that lead up to it. A decent amount of time thinking I'd rather die than being an indentured servant to this asshole in all seriousness and feeling truly desperate about all what a mess everything was. I was visibly not in a good space and LO def knew, occasionally would give me a hug and often look annoyed at my bringing bad energy constantly into the space. I also had a massive conflagration at the place where I train by confronting some political BS that blew up and basically made me persona non grata To a lot of people. I wasn't wrong about the issue. I just confronted it very directly And that was not appreciated. LO Knew about it, and was alternately kind of empathetic and keeping her distance from me. So typical mind f* situation by her. This was all very much not good. Thank god I had two best friends to literally save my life seeing me through that era. Push pull push pull ever since. She completely stopped answering any communication from me about 2 months ago after saying she was going to call and chat about life and never did three months ago. Feels like she's drawing a boundary with me. My communications with her are somewhat normal questions about training and my closing loops of convo she starts in training but we never finish because they are 2 minute snips. I think the lack of resolution in those conversations parallels the lack of clarity generally and hence my kind of compulsive communicating into a black hole. Which I stopped doing about 2 months ago.

Over the last month, I've managed to dig myself out of my hell hole. Strangely enough this is because I got a promotion at work. I had sold my business about five years ago and have been working since, but trying to avoid going back to a major position with a bunch of responsibilities. Turns out that type of distraction is exactly what I needed... My brain needs to be working some sort of problem at all times. Over the last year, I've joked about this super-processor brain. Without my career the past few years I've trained that processor on my sport and all the dynamics of this issue of LO and the world we live in. It is super unhealthy for me. And of course, I trained it on my horrific marriage. I think the way my husband acted affirmed how I felt all along... Like some sort of indentured servant to the concept of What you are supposed to do in life as a "good person." So I guess I can thank LO For finally being the one thing in life distracting enough that I decided to deal with that situation. It is unfortunate that it created a whole other situation with the limerence.

Let's just say I'm managing Limerence these days. LO Kind of crossed a major line with me about a month ago when she was really harsh and some of her feedback as my coach. Like unnecessarily harsh and mean on a personal level that she knew would be very destructive, she was intentionally trying to tear me down which is a very weird thing for a coach to do. And it was so outrageous that it was actually obvious. Two weeks after that, I let her in the know that my initial divorce papers Are filed. Predictably now she is back to being buddy buddy. But it depends on who is around. Yesterday, my best friend and training partner who knows about this whole situation got extremely upset and said oh my God, she is completely flirting with you and mindfuck you. I couldn't even handle it today And had to pace around training while she did this to you.

In the whole situation with my husband, at some point, I just had to try and let go of any emotional Ties to the horrible things he's doing or how stupid he's acting. It was unbelievably hurtful to hear these things from him, even though I don't want to be with him as a partner... I cannot conceive the hatred He spewed at me. The only way from a mental health perspective to respond to that is to just say this person is irrational, and I cannot be emotionally invested in anything coming from them. I just have to deal with the consequences like dealing with the toddler. I'm trying to put LO in that same camp. But when I felt like it was really dead after she hurt me, I had this overwhelming sense of loss. For me, it's better to just hold the some sort of candle that this whole situation is or was real and not a figment of my imagination. I think this is very complicated from a mental health perspective...flagellating Yourself over, falling in love with a figment of your imagination, doesn't really do favors. My therapist keep saying your feelings are real, regardless of whatever the situation is. I feel some need to know. I am not crazy and imagining that there was ever something there. LO Seems to very much enjoy keeping people in her orbit through whatever means.

At some point, maybe I will need to lay down the law and see what kind of clarity I can get from her. I'll get kicked out of my facility when I get divorced so maybe sometime after that. Or maybe by then it will have faded away?

Currently, I'm exploring the thought that transferring this energy onto somebody else who isn't so damn wishy washy is probably the best fix. I don't think I would've developed this horrific case of Limerence were it not for her Hot and cold actions, triggering an overwhelming neurotransmitter response And the overall high stakes and anxious nature of our relationship. Maybe I'll be ok in a less volatile circumstance? I don't think the drama of it all is what drew me to her, My feelings for her are actually very genuine, but the lime was triggered by the uncertainty, which is a major issue for me given my past history.

OK, I've written a book here, but I need to respond to Kate separately who jumped on this thread. My goodness you are so hard on yourself about this exploration. I mean, I understand you have a relationship but the whole labeling thing?! Give yourself some grace stuff happens with or without labels. I've had to rethink this whole thing about female sexual agency and what I learned about Being "good" And not giving things away to boys who only want one thing, etc. I can say pretty certainly I wouldn't have ended up In this situation at age 45 had not done a little better exploration when I should've been doing it at age 25. But we are under no obligation to live in a certain order of events. Things happen to you to a certain place. And when you're in that place, you can pursue whatever path from there on. And the thing about being attracted To women to me is so Just stupidly obvious... Women are attracted to what feeds them emotionally. Guys have a hard time relating to that I guess? Women are much more in tune to that and that's why you would have such a meaningful relationship with one of them? I mean, it doesn't make it uncomplicated but shit do they know how from their own experience to fulfill a need. I'm curious how old you are Kate? All of my girlfriends who are 40 something literally go through this situation where we're just marveling at this stupidity of our partners who do nothing to support us Emotionally Through the challenges of raising kids, career etc. We all get one another on this level. But I personally only have one I'm really attracted to. But because of this dynamic, I'm sure I would be much Easily attracted to a woman than a guy. It has nothing to do with anything sexual. Or let's just say the sexuality follows the emotional connection, Which is well established with women generally

[JupiterTaco]

Wow Asha there's so much to unpack here. You're really getting it from all sides. I may write more later but if I have any advice I could tell you that it might help to talk to domestic violence or advocate for women of some other kind maybe they can point you in the direction of attorneys that might help you preserve what you've got if you're worried about losing it. I'd like to think that people can look at some guy who's been out of work his whole life living off people and say no he's not going to get anything but it's an interesting world we live in.

I do think people rush to label everything. I think some people can just fall in love with a person it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with their anatomy or someone's sexuality. I feel like a dead horse but the show The l word can be really helpful for somebody going through same sex limerence and revisiting childhood trauma.

[Asha999]

Thanks JT, I think I will reserve a time to binge watch the L word... I binge watched the real L last fall... I guess it was the reality shit show version of the original. It was equal parts, terrifying, and compelling. I'm actually Thinking I'll be ready to start dating pretty soon. My divorce should be final in October. I am by no means wanting a relationship, but I am certainly curious to go meet people have fun, etc. Not sure how the messaging on that is going to go.. "I am very self-sufficient between my kids, my job, My serious commitment to my sport and my friends and just want to live like a 20 year old and have no desire for long-term relationship unless you really blow my socks off. Sound good? Let's go!" I mean to a 20 something guy that might be a dream, but maybe that's Not exactly what I am in the market for right now.

And speaking of reality dramas... About 10 days ago, LO Approached me while I was having a conversation with somebody else... I think she didn't see them and she walked straight up like she was going to tell me something and then realized I was talking to another group of people. The next morning, I get a message from her at 6:20 am.."sorry we didn't get to chat, I miss you." WTAF?! I'm sorry when do we get to chat? Like do we actually ever get to chat because I gave up on trying to have a conversation with you along time ago. Should I read into this that I am now chatting eligible because my marital status has changed or are you just jerking my chain as per usual? About five days after that happened she asked me after one of our training sessions if I am going to be around all day.. Then we should grab a drink later. This happened to be on the busiest day of the year when the facility is flooded with literally hundreds and hundreds of people. There was absolutely no way this would actually happen. Why On Gods green earth would somebody make that kind of an overture knowing there was zero possibility of it actually happening? I'm trying not to be pissed or excited And maintain some emotional distance but...just what is going through her head? Agh.

My best solution here is to accelerate getting on Tinder or something stupid like that.

[L-F]

The next morning, I get a message from her at 6:20 am.."sorry we didn't get to chat, I miss you." WTAF?! I'm sorry when do we get to chat? Like do we actually ever get to chat because I gave up on trying to have a conversation with you along time ago. Should I read into this that I am now chatting eligible because my marital status has changed or are you just jerking my chain as per usual? About five days after that happened she asked me after one of our training sessions if I am going to be around all day.. Then we should grab a drink later. This happened to be on the busiest day of the year when the facility is flooded with literally hundreds and hundreds of people. There is absolutely no way this would actually happen. Why On God screen with somebody make that kind of an overture knowing there was zero possibility of it actually happening? I'm trying not to be pissed or excited And maintain some emotional distance and just what is going through her head.

What is she doing? It doesn't matter. Don't look for lovebombing, don't look for the narcissist push pull (unless you want to include yourself in that equation since it takes two), don't even rationalize it, excuse it, or waste energy in that area tryingto understand it. Only she will know her true motives and if she wanted to be with you, you wouldn't have to play guessing games. You'd know!

With this new chapter in your life, transitioning to a new life comes at a cost. It requires leaving behind your old comforts and familiar paths. It may mean sacrificing relationships and friendships, and even facing misunderstandings and disapproval. However, these sacrifices become insignificant when you find the people who are truly meant for you on the other side. You will create a new comfort zone centered around what propels you forward. Instead of being merely liked, you will be cherished. Instead of being understood, you will be truly seen. The only thing you will lose is what no longer aligns with the person you are becoming.

A limerent mindset only serves to trap you in old stale non-serving thought patterns. When someone genuinely desires to be with you, they will make it known. There are no uncertainties or doubts when it comes to genuine interest. Someone who wants to be with you will be.
Bring on Tinder!

[Asha999]

Bring on the tinder! Hahaha! I love this supportive commentary! OMG I spent my 20s being so responsible. I was acting like I was 40. So I guess I need to do the 20s in my 40s for real. Except with better self awareness and some healing. Finding people who are stable, loving and comfortable with themselves and being honest? Wow that sounds amazing. I've been super fortunate to turn over new friendships like that over the past couple years.

My current reactions to LO are much less than what it has ever been in the past, but I still turn my mind over on "What is she doing?" I think she might get a little bit of a pass on the fact that I've actually been married and relationship is totally inappropriate so if I clear that up, maybe she gets one shot? I've debated the merits if she keeps doing this, having some sort of a defined the relationship conversation... Not disclosure per se just like What the heck with our relationship? Are you my coach? Are you my friend? Or are you something else? You need to pick a lane.

I've referred to LO as a catalyst for awhile Because she was literally literally that... I did that without recognizing that that is an actual term for somebody who makes one realize/acknowledge a different sexuality. Yeah, she has catalyzed plenty, little of which has yet to be positive. But honestly, did I go through all of that hell of undoing a big mess to come out the other side and say I'm scarred and I'm just gonna hang out and recover for 10 years and not try again to find a meaningful or balanced relationship? No I did it because I recognized something essential... a meaningful sense of sharing...was missing and even if LO isn't the one to plug the gap somebody could.

I am hoping it is fun and fodder for a lot of laughs between me and my friends in any case. I've let go of LO a lot of times over the last year and it coincides with really dark places mentally. I think I hold a candle for her because she just symbolizes the one person that really got me going ever. But at least I have recognition of all of the reasons why I'm attracted to her and why it was dysfunctional and maybe I can change that part.

[L-F]

I think I hold a candle for her because she just symbolizes the one person that really got me going ever.

Same. That in itself is mental torture. You may, or may not, find THAT level of turn on again. Absolutely delicious but completely unsustainable. So if I were to experience that level of woopdewoo, then I'd either run (in the opposite direction), or tell them I'm only here for the sex.

I hope you keep us updated during your dating phase! All the best. Many envious married people here reading this I'm sure. I'm not envious, I can't be bothered peopling lol

[Asha999]

Well I don't know if it's progress or relapse but LO is on my mind NONSTOP for the first time in probably a year. I had been managing my limerence and interactions with her pretty successfully Until about a month ago. I think I posted it here that she invited me for a drink and then he texted me something about missing me. As my brain turns this over and over... I don't think the drink overture is at all insignificant. I've been unavailable to this point because I've been married. She knows my divorce is about to be final and 4 to 6 weeks. We had a drink that I invited her to 18 months ago (the initial back and forth on scheduling this for months was what crystallized the limerence) when I had planned to disclose. That led to the firing of the therapist who was pushy, the threats and the whole sordid mess after. So let's say I didn't jump for joy at this drink suggestion... It was done very weirdly because it was like she meant to do it that day, which was on a day when it definitely wouldn't happen because it was unbelievably busy. But in my head today, I'm like oh if I asked her for a drink, it would come out weirdly like that, and ambiguous and noncommittal. Baby giraffe-ish. Because we are both continuing to deal with the situation that is like a nuclear bomb if There are really feelings between us.

She had made some other comment about a month prior when she was extremely upset for several days about being on a life transition like the one on which I am about to embark... that was such a weird comment. She's been divorced for four years. What transition is she still on? I feel like the choice of word transition here is a little suspect or my limerent brain making something out of nothing?

Anyway, I was thinking about the drink thing. I didn't see her for three weeks and then I saw her this week. And I got nothing but a very neutral reaction. No discussion of getting together, etc. But When she Asked why I was leaving early. I told her I was going to my mediation. This was the truth. She asked the day before how it was going, and I gave her a little bit of the saga of how my mediator almost fired us because my husband went bananas on the mediator.

Anyway.. 24/7 thoughts of LO And how a conversation is going to go down now that I am more of a free agent. I think my own opening up of my situation is driving that. I've tried to divert my attention to looking at dating sites and thinking what my dating life will be like... is LO Maybe just a placeholder? Like I've got a good visual on her, but I don't have one on anonymous other person I might end up with.

I'm starting to think I need to have a clear conversation. What is this relationship. LO dear This is very confusing to me in a way no other relationship is and I want to understand what's going on and the boundaries here can you help me with that?

I mean, I've been managing this successfully for two years now and it rears back up. I Spend some time away from her and it didn't go away. It just made me miserable. I will spend more time away from her after I'm divorced because I won't see her anymore.

Does anybody feel like they really just need to know to move on with their life if it was real or their imaginations?

[L-F]

Does anybody feel like they really just need to know to move on with their life if it was real or their imaginations?

Almost every day for a considerable period of my life! While it's less intense now, it did occupy a significant portion for about a decade. It wasn't solely about infatuation (though that phase lasted three years), but also about a continuous fascination with the thin boundary between sanity and madness, responsibility, accountability, and the root of it all.

No matter how you perceive things now, rest assured that your viewpoint will evolve numerous times before you ultimately end a chapter and craft your own conclusion.

I don't believe any ending concludes with a "happily ever after".. you make the most of what life throws you. I will always want to know the answers but equally know I don't need the answers. In fact, pretty sure any answer will only mess with me. It will either spiral me into a self loathing sinkhole or a myriad of "what do I do with this information now, and why now?" type obsessive torturous thoughts. Best I let sleeping dogs lie.

Sometimes the best answer is no answer.

[L-F]

But as always, keep us posted and stay positive. You'll work things out in your own time.