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What do you expect from your LO?

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L-F
Posts: 4512
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
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What do you expect from your LO?

Post by L-F »

I will admit, that I enjoy watching trashy reality TV shows. One is Married At First Sight (MAFs).

When talking to SO and saying that should I find myself single, I would not apply to get married at first sight;
1. I'm not there to mother them
2. I'm not there to fix them

Often you'll see the experts pair based on one being extroverted, for example, while the other is introverted - grounded enough to bring balance to the relationship.

I call BS on this for the reason I would expect someone to meet me on my level (of maturity, awareness, energy, etc). Now I'm not saying I'm aware or mature or whatever, BUT, I am saying that I wouldn't want anyone to fix me or me be required to fix them.

What would your expectations be from a union with LO? Do you expect them to complete you?
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
BurstBubble
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Re: What do you expect from your LO?

Post by BurstBubble »

A pertinent question given my situation. There's a real likelihood I could be in a relationship with LO by the end of the month; I have a breathing space this week [he's away] and am using the time for yet more soul searching to figure out if this would genuinely be the right thing for me.
I've never thought of myself as someone who needs fixing or is incomplete. I'm seeking something from partners or LOs, but I still can't see what it is.
My limerent experiences have a strong element of the 'rescue fantasy'. My LO's current relationship (ending this week...?) has barely been a relationship for years, and in the previous one he was badly hurt. I'm telling myself that I'll be The One to make up for those 20 or so years of pain and misery by being perfect; we'll live happily ever after etc. But I'm in danger of losing myself in trying to be what I think he wants. What he would actually want is for me to keep being me. I don't know if I can do that, so maybe we would both be better off if I stayed on my own. (I separated from my SO last month.)
HelpWithGOLO
Posts: 95
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Re: What do you expect from your LO?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

In my fantasies, she and I would be so happy together. She would be everything I imagined her to be and we'd raise her daughter together and she would think I'm the greatest man ever and be so proud of me. We'd have our problems of course but we'd work them out. We would be the perfect fit for each other. I answered this question days ago but I'm thinking more clearly now. Honestly, I think my expectations would be that our marriage would be like the one I have now. But maybe she would be saving ME by bringing back excitement to my life. I love my wife but I am not happy with my life in general. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I have few friends and I rarely see them. I can't relate to other men very well, which makes making friends frustrating. We don't have kids and never will and that never bothered me until I met my LO. I guess she represents a life I could have had. Maybe in that life I would have been a different person. I dream of all the life choices I could have done differently. I know she is different from my wife and that our marriage would be much different. I don't know what it's like to actually live with my LO so who knows how compatible we would have been. I remind myself there's a reason we weren't meant to be. She was new and exciting and made me feel so wonderful when I was in a terrible mental and emotional state. But would I have still felt that way weeks or months or years down the road if she had returned my feelings? I know the probable answer.
L-F
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
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Re: What do you expect from your LO?

Post by L-F »

HelpWithGOLO wrote: Sun Feb 25, 2024 5:27 am In my fantasies, she and I would be so happy together. She would be everything I imagined her to be and we'd raise her daughter together and she would think I'm the greatest man ever and be so proud of me. We'd have our problems of course but we'd work them out. We would be the perfect fit for each other. I answered this question days ago but I'm thinking more clearly now. Honestly, I think my expectations would be that our marriage would be like the one I have now. But maybe she would be saving ME by bringing back excitement to my life. I love my wife but I am not happy with my life in general. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I have few friends and I rarely see them. I can't relate to other men very well, which makes making friends frustrating. We don't have kids and never will and that never bothered me until I met my LO. I guess she represents a life I could have had. Maybe in that life I would have been a different person. I dream of all the life choices I could have done differently. I know she is different from my wife and that our marriage would be much different. I don't know what it's like to actually live with my LO so who knows how compatible we would have been. I remind myself there's a reason we weren't meant to be. She was new and exciting and made me feel so wonderful when I was in a terrible mental and emotional state. But would I have still felt that way weeks or months or years down the road if she had returned my feelings? I know the probable answer.
Hey HWGOLO
I look at you as someone described in the below which I've put in bold. Hope you are well!
"The last thing that I want you to do is to think that you need to become someone more 'conventional', emotionally-flat and unreactive, because this is a). impossible (suppression never equals healing) and b). entirely unnecessary. Serial limerents are normally quick-witted, verbally-expressive, perceptive, emotionally-astute, analytical lovers of life; I am yet to help someone suffering from limerence who has not had a beautiful command of their first language, someone unusual hobbies and a great degree of interest in affairs of the humand mind. This curious essence does not need to be tampered with in any way, and this is why I treat limerence the way that I do; the wonderful thing about considering the pathology from a psychological-touching-on-spiritual perspective is that it allows you to spot-treat your psyche, only altering elements that do not serve you."
Lucy Bain, The Limerent Mind: How to Permanently Beat Limerence and Shine

We tend to beat ourselves up more than we celebrate the good stuff. Go lightly and enjoy your day!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
HelpWithGOLO
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Re: What do you expect from your LO?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

L-F, thank you for your kind words. I've been pretty sleep-deprived lately due to a flareup of depression and anxiety so I'm not quite sure if I fully understood the quote you shared. Would you mind explaining a little further? I think you'll be happy to know I reached out yesterday to a potential counselor I could talk to face-to-face as well. I told my wife about my depression and anxiety issues (still can't bring myself to mention the limerence, too) and she was extremely supportive of me seeking help. When the counselor asked me what kind of problems I was dealing with, I had to try really hard to say exactly what was on my mind. I've been in my own head about this for so long and I'm so used to people just telling me to cheer up that I was afraid to even say the words. I could barely put the feelings INTO words. It's sad that I can spill my guts online so easily but when a person is looking me in the eyes I become afraid. My wife reminded me that this person WANTS to help. They can't help me if I can't tell them what's wrong. I'm super nervous about talking to someone in person but I can't keep this all inside. I'm really afraid to bring up the topic of limerence, too. But I guess that the worst that could happen is that they can't help me and I'll just have to find someone else. In the meantime I'm trying to go much easier on myself. Just mentioning the problems to someone was a relief and made me feel a little better. As this person told me, we all face problems and sometimes we can't deal with them alone. There's no shame in that. I promise I'll continue to try and look on the bright side. I'm going to be okay. :) Thank you for checking in with me!
L-F
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
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Re: What do you expect from your LO?

Post by L-F »

HelpWithGOLO wrote: Thu Feb 29, 2024 1:11 pm L-F, thank you for your kind words. I've been pretty sleep-deprived lately due to a flareup of depression and anxiety so I'm not quite sure if I fully understood the quote you shared. Would you mind explaining a little further?
No problem! Very simply, everyone of us limerents, no matter the pain we are going through, have amazing qualities within such as perceptive and verbally expressive. Things we don't often shine the light on or we gloss over. This author is saying that there are parts of self we ought to cherish, and that limerence is not the person, but a condition to treat. The same goes for a person with cancer, they should be viewed as more than the condition they have.
Limerence may even help in some way to boost our creativity, can you see where I'm heading? How often do we see ourselves as resilient? Battling a condition but resilient nonetheless.
It might help to reframe limerence and perhaps the word 'limerent' is redundant. I use it to describe us in terms of what we have experienced, but as of now, will no longer use the word - hey, if I confuse you, don't worry, I'm just rambling.

In short, I see the good stuff even if you don't feel it. You'll be fine with this new counselor and if not, like you said, you can always look for someone else. Having your wife on board sounds awesome. I hear you regarding the shame of it all, shame is such a tricky feeling to get around. All the best!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
HelpWithGOLO
Posts: 95
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Re: What do you expect from your LO?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

Thank you for clarifying, L-F. I very much appreciate your encouragement. :)
I was so afraid to even talk to my wife about getting help, even though I knew she'd support me. She always has. She even told me that she'd understand if I don't want to share everything I talk about with the counselor. She wants to see me happy and feeling better. I couldn't ask for a better partner in life. I need to stop letting this limerence or any other issues define who I am. I'm taking new steps forward starting today.
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5691
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
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Re: What do you expect from your LO?

Post by JupiterTaco »

Among the things I wanted from past LOs for a sense of belonging a sense of protection a sense of security and someone who accepted me and these were all things I could do for myself.
"Tell me...how many times did you have sex with him?" Griselda, Cocaine Godmother
"Six, why?" Affair partner
"Because that's how many times I'm going to shoot you," Griselda
HelpWithGOLO
Posts: 95
Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2023 10:06 pm
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United States of America

Re: What do you expect from your LO?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

@JupiterTaco I know what you mean. My LO was the only one who reached out to me when I was feeling alone at work, plus I was already in a bad state in other ways. It was exciting to have her pay so much attention to me. I wanted to believe she was into me. I needed it. I shouldn't have developed feelings but in the midst of such emotional turmoil I didn't try to fight it. Like you said, I should have looked within for all those things you mentioned.
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