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Wife hiding an affair and pushing divorce

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Kev
Posts: 6
Joined: Mon May 08, 2023 5:13 pm
Gender:
Canada

Re: Wife hiding an affair and pushing divorce

Post by Kev »

L-F wrote: Sun May 14, 2023 4:57 am My son is going to be 23 soon and has just bought a house with his partner who is 27. I have never met such a perfect match, neither immature nor trying to be something they are not. Fuck the age gap, that's for people projecting their shit. Focus on what's important to you and if you can stand by her and work out this horrific limerence thing together then all thumbs up to you. Again, focus on what matters to you.
Thanks for the back up. Our age has never been a problem in our marriage, even though she WAS concerned when we first met. She never brought it up again after we started dating... only when this situation started did she begin mentioning my age. I'm trying my best to be the best husband I can, to love her in the ways that she NEEDS (however, those aren't particularly the ways she WANTS... I hope she sees later why I did what I did). Although I am broken in her rejection, I am more broken that this is what she's going through, and going to have to deal with at some point on the other side of this worm hole. I'm scared for her.
Kev
Posts: 6
Joined: Mon May 08, 2023 5:13 pm
Gender:
Canada

Re: Wife hiding an affair and pushing divorce

Post by Kev »

David wrote: Mon May 08, 2023 6:39 pm Kev - ill be honest as no point in bullshitting with you.

The more I work with couples, the more I am realise most affairs (im not talking about one night stands) have limerence at their core, and from what you describe this reads likely to be the case with your wife.

Once someone is caught in the vortex of limerence, its rare for them to listen to any other viewpoint - its hard to break the fantasy unless that person has an inkling of self awareness and again, in my experience few people do seem to have this when they believe they have met their "soul mate" . they rewrite history to demonise their partner and further justify their behaviour and you have described this well.

Unless your wife wakes up from her fantasy and does some self development work, the odds are against you for the relationship to work longer term. Without children to bind you together (you don't mention children) i'm not sure what's going to make your wife do any introspection. And even if you win her back, without her understanding wny this happened (I believe affairs start in childhood) what's stopping it happen again?

If you are determined to to try and make this work, the best shot is doing an affair recovery 180 - you can google this. Again, the men i coach through doing a 180 find it nigh impossible to stick to it as most of them are "nice guys" and don't know how to set and more importantly keep to boundaries.

Good luck wherever things end up and im sorry to not be able to paint a rosier picture - limerence sucks all around.
Hey David. I appreciate the honesty, it's what I need to hear.

Unfortunately, this may have gone from her fantasy to desired reality as she decided to fly out and meet with/stay with this guy for a week or so. I don't know how long, I only got notified on an app of a strange log in location and confronted her on where she was, as to which she confessed.

One this that feels like a blessing and a curse is children. We were trying to conceive for nearly a year, but having problems. This situation happened within the same month she finally has the medicine she needed to try for children, but halted it immediately... and I wonder if it's because she started questioning her life with me and started acting on her desire for this guy at that time.

I read Affair recovery 180, and wow, that is some REALLY good advice, definitely have that bookmarked and read over it whenever I need to gain some focus. I hope my wife snaps out of this, I'm broken over how she's treated me, and I know I've treated her, due to all of this.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Wife hiding an affair and pushing divorce

Post by L-F »

Kev wrote: Sun May 14, 2023 5:05 am
L-F wrote: Sun May 14, 2023 4:57 am My son is going to be 23 soon and has just bought a house with his partner who is 27. I have never met such a perfect match, neither immature nor trying to be something they are not. Fuck the age gap, that's for people projecting their shit. Focus on what's important to you and if you can stand by her and work out this horrific limerence thing together then all thumbs up to you. Again, focus on what matters to you.
Thanks for the back up. Our age has never been a problem in our marriage, even though she WAS concerned when we first met. She never brought it up again after we started dating... only when this situation started did she begin mentioning my age. I'm trying my best to be the best husband I can, to love her in the ways that she NEEDS (however, those aren't particularly the ways she WANTS... I hope she sees later why I did what I did). Although I am broken in her rejection, I am more broken that this is what she's going through, and going to have to deal with at some point on the other side of this worm hole. I'm scared for her.
No, thank you, Kev. I saw you coming here to understand limerence, not for finger-pointing. Your contribution is invaluable. Yes, you will discover views that go along with yours or go against what you'd like to hear, but, limerence is a mental disease and in my opinion, shouldn't be confused with narcissism or affairs. Those things are completely different from limerence. As to why she became limerent (as in her drivers) is anyone's guess.

She isn't thinking straight and I'm glad you get this. I would be scared for her too, but being here you are at least getting an idea of how f up this thing is and how our minds are half in reality and half in fantasy, which ultimately pains the limerent self.

I hope she is at least willing to talk with you, but going back to what David and I said earlier, she may not 'be there yet' while you're champing at the bit. Give yourself space and look after your own well-being mentally, physically and spiritually.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Wife hiding an affair and pushing divorce

Post by L-F »

Kev wrote: Sun May 14, 2023 5:11 am I'm broken over how she's treated me, and I know I've treated her, due to all of this.
Boom. Right there is growth!

Whatever happens, look after yourself while not allowing your ego to get tangled up in all of this.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Wife hiding an affair and pushing divorce

Post by L-F »

L-F wrote: Sun May 14, 2023 5:21 am limerence is a mental disease and in my opinion, shouldn't be confused with narcissism or affairs. Those things are completely different from limerence.
Limerence may be the core of affairs, or NPD may tend to fall limerent over other personality disorders, or childhood trauma could be the reason why we fall limerent. The main take away from this is, to learn what limerence is before unpacking 'why' someone falls limerent, or what they do as a result of being limerent (affairs).

Start with WHAT limerence is.
Only your wife can unpack the WHY she was impacted.
But, you can guarantee it's a mutual playground, meaning, you too will have your own unpacking to do. That is WHY it's never, EVER, about finger pointing, in my view.

This goes for your husband too Asha999. He too will have his role in all of this.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Wife hiding an affair and pushing divorce

Post by Zsababy »

I was only commenting on age in idle speculation, just to see what could be at the root & taking stabs in the dark. Looks like I set off an unintended controversy.

Anyway, Kev, I'm wondering about what you said about her suddenly diving into video games & ignoring other hobbies, like it was a personality change. I think there may be something there. Did she have any major events in her life recently, like deaths in the family or friends or even a friendship ending, or trouble at work? I'm wondering if she's diving into the world and to fixation with this guy to escape something; sometimes it's just a pattern we have as a means to cope with trauma, past or present. Sounds like she might be identifying with his lifestyle of gaming; another poster on FB talked about how their spouse idolized their LO and wanted to be just like them & took up the same pursuits. Sometimes we see something in our LO that we want to change about ourselves or attain ourselves. Maybe she's having some kind of quarter-life crisis? Again, I'm just totally spitballing here. I'm not saying I'm providing accurate psychoanalysis lol.

Again, the personality change thing really jumps out at me. Maybe somewhere in there is a lead you can talk to her with/about, like does she feel like she's missing something in her life, etc.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Wife hiding an affair and pushing divorce

Post by Zsababy »

Also, the personality change thing is exactly what the other spouse I mentioned talked about on FB. It's an interesting phenomenon; I know with me, I've felt myself changing a bit when focused on a new LO; like they appealed to something latent in me. I don't have any great insight on this phenomenon, though, just that I've heard this a few times from SOs who are looking at limerance from the outside. To us, our changes can feel like growth or transformation, like we could be our best self with our LO, but I suppose it just looks like an irrational 180 or bizarre change from the outside. I do have to say that sometimes these transformations, which feel like a revelation to us, have had a positive effect on me. It was a kind of growth but in a weird, tangled way. But I do have to say that I've come away from limerances feeling like I've gotten in touch with repressed or forgotten aspects of myself.
It's almost as if we limerants, or maybe it's just me, don't really know how to personally grow in an independent way. Like we need someone to show us or someone that we can vicariously live through.

I'd like to hear David's thoughts on limerants undergoing seemingly sudden personality changes during limerants.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Wife hiding an affair and pushing divorce

Post by Zsababy »

Gah! I meant "during limerance", as in the mental state
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Wife hiding an affair and pushing divorce

Post by L-F »

L-F wrote: Sun May 14, 2023 6:06 am That is WHY it's never, EVER, about finger pointing, in my view.
Actually, take out the words never ever - I typically don't like words that box things in. Good for you for wanting to work on the relationship. Hopefully your wife meets you halfway in terms of counseling or whatever intervention is required to talk things out.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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