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Effective tips after breakup

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Kara-ZorEl
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat May 06, 2023 6:52 pm
Gender:
Germany

Effective tips after breakup

Post by Kara-ZorEl »

Hello everyone. I am quite new to limerence and not sure if I even have it. I (30, F) ended a relationship with a guy (26) about 8 months ago that was quite toxic. I had my own share in that (probably have CPTSD & avoidant personality disorder, not yet confirmed) but I ended the relationship for a reason on his part (verbal abuse, dishonesty/gaslighting, ignoring sexual boundaries). For 7 years of our relationship, there were regular patterns of being close to a breakup and then always making up again. I also heard about trauma bonding in this context but I am not sure if that only applies to someone intentionally causing harm/toxicity and then rewarding again. While I think in our case, we both stuck around with each other because it was a fix to our own personal problems (validation, loneliness).

Either way, the relationship is now over. The first few days, maybe weeks, I was actually relieved. But as soon as we started messaging each other again with "final closures" that never seemed to end, I started to have hopes again that he could change. I started obessing about only the good things about him and our relationship (I am assuming because due to my mental health issues and social isolation, I have not much else that is good in my life), even when I actually uncovered only more red flags after seeing how he behaved after the breakup. He started following Andrew Tate and said seriously questionable things about the woman having to basically provide the man with respect, housekeeping and sexual readiness, something that is incompatible with my own values. He even idolized me in the beginning of our relationship as "docile" and "submissive" when I was just a young naive shy girl that didn't know how to speak about my boundaries. Since the breakup he had also asked me several times to meet for sex, when I said it would hurt me every time. He could literally not stop asking. Sometimes he would claim to want to try FWB, but his ulterior motive was always only sex.

I have to also admit I until today never stopped "stalking" him on any online platform I knew he could share something personal about his current life, even creating fake accounts for that. I also haven't wanted to follow/befriend any new people on my public accounts in order to keep the hope alive that he would want to come back to me, when paradoxically I don't even see or want a future with the "real" version of him. I really seem to be addicted to the false hope of him deciding to finally change for me, yet another part of me knows that there are red flags screaming at my face and the reality of 7 years of him not changing contradict that hope. It really feels like an addiction where I can't stop obessing about him, how he might be talking to and dating other girls, the realization filling me with anxiety, yet I don't even really want him at the same time.

Is this limerence? What can I do about it as most immediate fixes that are not about the underlying issues (my mental health) ? Mostly I need help to see him for the red flags and toxic behavior towards me and not the idealized version I have of him in my imagination. How can I do that?

Sorry for the long post, I am not good at putting my thoughts into words. Thank you to anyone reading until here.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Effective tips after breakup

Post by L-F »

No contact is your best bet. It's the first step in creating enough emotional and physical space for introspection, reflection, to examine thoughts and feelings as well as challenge old habits.
Welcome to the forum!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5666
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Effective tips after breakup

Post by JupiterTaco »

I definitely add my support of no-contact with your ex. Welcome!
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
Lily_Flowers
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat May 13, 2023 10:38 am
Gender:
Australia

Re: Effective tips after breakup

Post by Lily_Flowers »

Hi there, I'm new here.
Go no contact - block all his social media accounts and do not look - don't engage for a minimum of 6 months.
This should be long enough to disconnect the connection you feel.
I am a limerence sufferer and I am going through something similar.
I have seen my "person" flirt/engage with other women online during our relationship and have finally cut him off.
It ended quite badly..he is married it is toxic and I now realise I was groomed by him as I was grieving the death of a loved one when we met.

Knowing you deserve better is the key.
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