BECOME A MEMBER AND EMBRACE EXCLUSIVE ACCESS
Unlock exclusive features and connect with like-minded individuals by upgrading to our premium membership.
As a member, you'll gain access to our members-only forums, where you can:
Engage in meaningful discussions: Read, create, and search all threads and posts, fostering a vibrant community of like-minded individuals.
Establish deeper connections: Utilize our private messaging system to connect with other members on a personal level, fostering meaningful relationships.
Enjoy these benefits and more for just $2.99 per month, payable securely via PayPal.
Membership is flexible, allowing you to cancel anytime without any hassle.
Sign up today and embark on a journey of personal growth and connection. Join our community of passionate individuals and unlock a world of possibilities.

Click https://limerence.net/membership-accoun ... p-checkout

Death Blow

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
Post Reply
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Death Blow

Post by Zsababy »

When someone dumps you, anger is kind of a given.
But when they're unavailable you can't expect any kind of bond with them if they're a coworker. She's not responsible for your depression -- it was there before.

LF had talked about entitlement of limerants in another thread. Sorry to be harsh, but I think there's a touch of this here. She really doesn't owe you anything and stewing about them and resenting them is just another form of fixation, but a bitter one. And if it's one thing that will drive a new potential partner away, it's bitterness. People that I know that are bitter have problems finding mates and keeping friends, then they get more bitter. Bad road to go down.

If you choose to do that, I can't stop you, but you will basically be creating your own life of unpleasant feelings.

I'm bipolar & have had suicidality for decades but if I can't accept that life is random & go around blaming people I will never move forward.

I hope you can find a way to feel better about yourself & just wait for this to wear off, because it will.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Death Blow

Post by Zsababy »

On the positive side, I'd try to throw yourself into positive activities & tools to manage your depression. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is very helpful. Also, I can't say enough about walking in nature. If you can be around animals, if you don't have a pet, volunteering at a pet shelter is a wonderful experience. Even just going to pet stores where they sell pets just to look at them.

I also watch comedies, particularly dumb ones with John C. Reilly, listen to meditative music, and sometimes energizing rocking music to either soothe me or lift my spirits.

Try to get in touch with good things in your life & yourself instead of dwelling on your shortcomings and stewing in negativity. It sounds sappy, but it's really true.
NickMarone
Posts: 42
Joined: Fri Nov 18, 2022 8:30 pm
Canada

Re: Death Blow

Post by NickMarone »

Zsababy wrote: Fri Dec 09, 2022 3:28 am When someone dumps you, anger is kind of a given.
But when they're unavailable you can't expect any kind of bond with them if they're a coworker. She's not responsible for your depression -- it was there before.

LF had talked about entitlement of limerants in another thread. Sorry to be harsh, but I think there's a touch of this here. She really doesn't owe you anything and stewing about them and resenting them is just another form of fixation, but a bitter one. And if it's one thing that will drive a new potential partner away, it's bitterness. People that I know that are bitter have problems finding mates and keeping friends, then they get more bitter. Bad road to go down.

If you choose to do that, I can't stop you, but you will basically be creating your own life of unpleasant feelings.

I'm bipolar & have had suicidality for decades but if I can't accept that life is random & go around blaming people I will never move forward.

I hope you can find a way to feel better about yourself & just wait for this to wear off, because it will.
Yeah, building resentment and hatred and contempt for the LO, I'm pretty sure is not an enlightened, "I'm becoming a better overall version of myself"-type of ultra-mature strategy. It's a bit of an emergency quick and dirty fix just to sort of distract oneself in the face of overwhelming limerence longing. If the anger is there, may as well use it for something sort of productive.

I know the feelings I have are pretty much all about me and any anger I have is really just a temper tantrum on my part. That's the harsh reality. That being said, if I can flip and lower my limerence by letting myself dwell of the bitter parts of the LE and sort of blame the LO for everything and really GET MAD, it does alleviate the reverie stuff and help me in the short run. At least sometimes. The lesser of two evils, so to speak.

I kind of tried to do the angry/resentment thing recently with my current LO. Unfortunately, she's actually too wonderful and terrific to even feign anger towards for more than 15 seconds or so and then I cave and go back to worshiping her.

At this point, I'm sadly satisfied with getting 12.6% of attention from my LO and really content on just living on crumbs. Hey, it is better than zero. I never been good at full out "partnerships" in long term relationships with females anyway. When I 've been in them I'm insecure, clingy, needy, frustrated. I'm just not in a good place. Maybe a minor EA affair is all I can handle.

Also, I'm quite poor at the whole reprogramming/mindfulness/affirmation healing stuff. I just don't understand the concept or know where to start. I'm going to try eye stimulation hypnotherapy and see if I can just dull or erase that part of my brain somehow.

Nick
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame, but I think it's my own damn fault.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Death Blow

Post by Zsababy »

Well, I suppose if anger staunches the bleeding, so to speak, maybe it's ok temporarily.
I guess the big focus is on getting your depression under control. Maybe if you can level out neurochemically things will even out. I firmly believe there's a strong chemical component to limerance; at least there is for me.
NickMarone
Posts: 42
Joined: Fri Nov 18, 2022 8:30 pm
Canada

Re: Death Blow

Post by NickMarone »

Zsababy wrote: Fri Dec 09, 2022 5:01 pm Well, I suppose if anger staunches the bleeding, so to speak, maybe it's ok temporarily.
I guess the big focus is on getting your depression under control. Maybe if you can level out neurochemically things will even out. I firmly believe there's a strong chemical component to limerance; at least there is for me.
For me there is a strong chemical component to both the depression and the limerence, for sure. The thing I was in a pretty good spot a few months ago overall and had my meds and mood sorted out to a degree, but then was thrust into the middle of a strong LE and all the crap that goes with that, and I'm basically on tilt lately.

The anger thing really isn't a tried and true strategy or anything but there might be something to it. I feel some extreme emotions (like anger) sometimes crowd out other strong limerent leaning emotions to a degree. I don't know. Just throwing darts here, really.

Nick
Last edited by NickMarone on Fri Mar 24, 2023 8:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame, but I think it's my own damn fault.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Death Blow

Post by Zsababy »

Smooth sailing to you! I think you can work this out. Coming here is a good start.
NickMarone
Posts: 42
Joined: Fri Nov 18, 2022 8:30 pm
Canada

Re: Death Blow

Post by NickMarone »

Well, it is three months later. Still working with my LO. I'm pretty convinced she has no real feelings for me, as far as I can tell. Still obsessed over her. Still feeling the lowest of lows. Basically, a holding pattern. Very depressed. My LO is pregnant with her third child with her husband. That threw me for a loop for a few days when I found out. What a hopeless situation.

I need help. I don't know from whom. Or where. But this must end soon.

Nick
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame, but I think it's my own damn fault.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Death Blow

Post by Zsababy »

Do you have a therapist? Do you keep a journal? I use my phone to just occasionally write out my thoughts & also messages to myself about staying grounded. I remind myself not to get carried away with fantasies.

I'm sorry you're in such pain. Hopefully, we can brainstorm ideas. David has videos & so does the Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube.

Your depression & limerance may very well be driven by early trauma. Anything you can do to help that, maybe get massages or hot tub sessions to soothe your body.

For the chemical components, I strongly recommend exercise & getting out into nature, if you can.
L-F
Posts: 4587
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Death Blow

Post by L-F »

Zsababy wrote: Sat Mar 25, 2023 2:03 am Anything you can do to help that, maybe get massages or hot tub sessions to soothe your body.
I came across this really cute meme with a simple voiceover, it reads...

"When you are feeling off, turn your body on - lift, run, train.
When you overthink, turn your body off - sit, journal, meditate.
Your body isn't just a home.
It's a vehicle.
Use it to change yourself.
Physically,
and mentally."
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
StillWonky
Posts: 16
Joined: Wed Mar 22, 2023 7:48 pm
Great Britain

Re: Death Blow

Post by StillWonky »

Sorry, I know this thread started ages ago and I'm late to the party so feel free to ignore if my input is out of date.
It's like God/Universe is testing me for some reason.
I'd go with this. I'm of the opinion that there is meaning in these limerent experiences and they come for a reason. Whether it's God, or the Universe, or a better part of ourselves trying to force us into facing things, I generally feel we're put through difficulties like this to heal and grow. You say everything was going well in your job was going well and then this happened. Sorry if I'm misunderstanding, but I've taken it that you don't see the rest of your life was going well? Maybe you were using the job going ok as an excuse to just coast along? Sometime it helps for everything to fall apart for us to face things. I sometimes wonder if limerence isn't some weird first step to self love.
LO is gliding along life, everything is peach fuzz, lollipops, and sunshine.
No ones life is like this =)) . I'm sure you know that already and it was a jokey comment but gosh I'm not sure how far you'd get being angry at an illusion. But there does seem to be a lot of extremes (is this called black and white thinking?) in some of what you've written. She fancies you or no one in the world does. If your life isn't perfect like hers it's a disaster kind of thing. I think I'd feel quite sad and hopeless too if I had that mindset. I'm sure there are ways to find your way to a more middle path.

Uh, I wouldn't underestimate the damage an "anxious and overprotective" mother can do. I have one myself. Of course they affect different people differently so I wouldn't presume to say your reactions were the same as mine. But they can instill a nagging sense in you that you aren't capable of properly taking care of yourself, especially if they keep "worrying" about you through adulthood. Though it may be presented as that they just care too much, they can unintentionally keep you in a bit of an arrested development stage so they can feel that you still need them. Anxious mothers generally aren't very good as processing their own emotions so can't show their kids how to. Just some examples of how they can affect you. The teacher and LO seem very different to your mother in that regard - is there something in that?

Like Zsababy, I went through the John C Reilly route of therapy. Just shows that you can look like a potato and still have a female fan club.
Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests