Contact with my father is a good catalyst for this as much of my limerence was as much about about my relationship with him as it was with my mother. Both were crap at providing enough of the right kind of love.
Last week at the age of 87 he moved into an assisted living facility that is much closer (20 mins drive) to me where my 3 sisters live. I visited him on my own last week. I’ve avoided seeing him on my own for a few years now as i got too triggered and having someone else around helped calm the situation. For the first time, I could sit with him and not get triggered by his passive aggressive comments. He still finds it hard to accept I’ve found inner peace – mostly because i’m not dancing on the tables with outward expressions of joy. I told him I dont have a need to show / tell what others im feeling. This segued into his own codependency which he finds hard to understand and yet is totally understandable given his own origins.
Im back in contact with one of my sisters. The other two are still avoiding me after their attacks on me and my daughters with me not returning home for my mother’s funeral a few years back. SO and my daughters have seen them and they get on well. My other 2 sisters are are waiting for me to make the first move. I will when the time feels right. Anyhow it was a pleasant couple of hours. I come away feeling sad though, witnessing a life that I judge to be unexamined and unlived.
Reminds me of a book by John Lee, the Flying Boy that set me on my own path on examining my relationship with my father and from that my relationship with my own masculinity. I continue with my involvement with the ManKind project and have stepped up to the leadership track. I hopefully will be helping lead the weekends when ready. The training path is tough and exposing – the feedback on my performance radically honest – something I feel in short supply in this world.
There have been some deaths, an aunt who was married to my mum’s brother. Much of my mum’s anger to the masculine that was projected onto me came from her fractured relationship with him – i never did find out why she hated him so much – no doubt some form of abuse. I like him and was getting friendlier with him when he died from cancer just as i was completing my finals at university. Her father was also a cold distant man.
Otherwise life is good. I am allowing myself to feel and appreciate the joy of living more. A couple of amazing flying trips were highlights, one around the coast of Scotland and the Lake District and the other through the Italian lakes were just stunning. Our younger daughter moves out next week for good which leaves me feeling joy for her and sadness for me. I rarely get triggered / regress. Dreams of LO may occur once or twice a year and I’m OK with that.
I’m a firm believer that ruptured attachments from early life never get fully healed, we just learn to live with them. I think therapists and those writing self help books are dishonest on this point, selling false dreams and promises. And also being disingenuous with the amount of work and time required to reach a place of inner calm.