Im just back from another weekend staffing at an Man King Project weekend. Connecting with other men at a deep intimate level feeds my soul. Being in service to others ( i was on a cooking team of 6 feeding 100 men) feeds my soul. I felt safe enough for only the second time in my life to touch my primal pain amongst the company of other men. This is the place i need to go to if i’m going to grow and heal.
And yet the pain is indescribable, it feels like my heart is being torn from my chest. I’ve never lost anyone really close to me, perhaps it’s the pain of grieving when we lose someone/something we really love? Maybe i’m grieving for the generations that went before me and didn’t have the opportunities that i’ve been blessed with? Within this there is guilt and rage as well.
When i come away from these events, i crash. It’s a feeling i’m starting to recognise and now expect. This is when i’m at my most vulnerable. This is when i get that urge to merge with the magical other. And yet I know and am starting to feel there is a strength in my vulnerability. As for the desire to merge, yes a few thoughts entered my mind of LO and also of another woman I met on the same course. With this other woman we shared a mutual sexual attraction. The difference was this other woman was able to talk to me about her feelings towards me, and me to her, there was no game playing, we respected each other’s boundaries and there was no limerence for me.
And the more i grow, the more separated i feel from my FUFOO and their sick enmeshment. The more i also see just how deficient and in some ways abusive their parenting was. My father called yesterday wanting me to attend an event where he’s laying a plaque to honour his murdered family. I didn’t feel like i had a choice for fear of upsetting him, a script i was indoctrinated with – ” don’t upset your father, he’s suffered enough”. I talked this through with a friend after who asked why i wasn’t honest and just say no. Another example of how i still need to grow stronger boundaries. I texted my dad back saying i won’t be going, no need to give a reason. I felt bad doing that but i’m sick of putting duty before love.
Im noticing how when i decide i need to separate from my family my father starts calling me more, after 54 years of him never calling and showing little interest in my life. Just like with LO – when I went NC she tried to reel me back in and yet was never interested in me. So one more parallel that’s just come into my awareness as i type this, my father that is feeling me breaking away and his efforts to reel me back in for his own narc supply. It wont be long before one or more of my 3 sisters also gets involved and tries to get me back on the drama triangle by acting as the rescuer to my dad and attempting to persecute me. I shall not be playing the victim, nor try to rescue my dad nor persecute them in return. All i can do is find compassion for each of them. They are all on their own journeys, their own paths becoming more and more divergent from mine. All part of letting go with grace and compassion.