Be limerence free – start your recovery today

I am Dr. David Perl, the quit limerence doctor and founder of limerence.net. I set this site up after struggling with my own limerence more than a decade ago.   We offer a range of support for both those with limerence and their partners. As a psychotherapist, relationship coach and medical practitioner I understand limerence and pass on this knowledge to you.

Watch the 1 min introduction to limerence.net  by clicking the video below.

DOWNLOAD YOUR FREE 11 STEP GUIDE TO HEALING FROM LIMERENCE NOW!

lost person with limerence

The most established limerence recovery community

Welcome to limerence.net. If you’ve found this place, I suspect you or your partner are hurting from limerence. If so, you’ve found the net’s oldest and most trusted community for those impacted by this condition.

What is Limerence?

If you feel you never heard of the word “limerence”, don’t worry! The concept of limerence is not very known, however it’s meaning is widely felt across individuals from all over the world.

Ask yourself, have you ever felt obsessed and crazy “in love” with someone? Have you ever felt that all you could think about during the day was that person? Or have you caught yourself constantly fantasizing about someone, even if there was no interaction or relationship between the two of you? If yes, you might have experienced limerence.  

Limerence is described as the obsessive and uncontrollable thinking of a limerent object (LO), usually a person, which can cause profound distress on someone’s mental health and well-being. Limerent feelings can become even more problematic for those who are in a committed relationship and experience it, as it can induce feelings of guilt and shame.

Developing my own limerence

When I developed limerence it had a devastating impact on both myself and my wife, Ruth and our decade’s long marriage. I discovered no therapists had heard of limerence and those I saw had no clue how to help so I had to learn the hard way.

It took me years of my own therapy, reading hundreds of books, participating on forums and working with many hundreds of clients in my own therapy practice to discover what helped and what didn’t.  You can now benefit from my experience thus saving you many of the mistakes I made. We use the latest discoveries in neuroscience along with well established behavioural approaches to managing addictions.

Setting up limerence.net

I am often approached by both those with limerence and their partners people asking for help. The one to one support we offer as professionally qualified practitioners  is great, its not accessible to everyone.

To address this we have developed a range of support. At limerence.net, you can trust the support, guidance and advice you receive.  Both Ruth and myself are qualified counsellors, psychotherapists and leadership coaches. I am also a medical practitioner. 

This begins with all the free resources on limerence.net including our articles, videos and podcasts. There is also the free to access parts of the limerence.net forum.

For those wanting more immersion, we have developed the online programme of videos and worksheets to help you with a phased approach on your own  journey of recovery.

For those wanting even more intensive support, we have range of membership programs from private groups, weekly zoom webinars with Q&A’s through to private one to one sessions with myself or Ruth.

The experience we gain through our LoveRelations practice as relationship coaches, couple’s counsellors and psychotherapists continues to inform us of this condition. We have worked in person with hundreds of people with limerence. You can read more about our experience and expertise here.

Are you struggling with these symptoms of limerence:

Intrusive obsessive thoughts of LO? 

  • Thinking 24/7
  • Fantasising of a future together
  • Feel you’ve met your soulmate
  • Overly focussed on cues

Replaying and rehearsing?

  •  Over sensitive to cues
  • Replaying interactions 
  • Rehearsing events
  • Fantasising about being together
  • Longing for reciprocation

Anxiety and self consciousness? 

  • Constant efforts to impress LO
  • Shyness and embarrassment 
  • Heart ache and increased stress
  • Fear of rejection by LO
  •  Social ineptness around LO

Emotional dependency on LO?

  • Yearning for reciprocation
  • Ecstatic when signs of reciprocation
  •  Mood swings
  • Uncertainty driving despair
  • Push/pull from LO

A partner with limerence?

  • Lying and deceit
  • Belief they have met their soulmate
  •  Emotional withdrawal
  • Rewriting history
  • Loving you but not in love with you
  • LO is just a friend

 If you answered yes to the above symptoms, why not kick start your journey to getting limerence free?

Get daily emails for 1 week  from Dr. David Perl, The Quit Limerence Doctor. 

Public facebook group

Limerence.net public forum

Limerence.net  private forums

Zoom groups with Q & A’s hosted by David

Focussed small group Zoom sessions with a maximum of 8 people, hosted by David

Self discovery online course on healing from limerence

Private one to one email / Voxer  support

Private individual and couple’s sessions

If you want more intensive support, why not join our growing community below :

VIDEO
SERIES

$99
Single payment

 A structured in-depth online programme of videos and worksheets to take you through the initial steps of becoming limerence free

  • Self discovery online video and insightful questions to help you  heal from limerence
  • Based on more than a decade of Dr. Perl’s personal and clinical experience of treating limerence
  • Includes videos, worksheets and reading materials on a  structured process to help you heal from limerence
  • 14 day no quibble money back guarantee

SILVER
MEMBERSHIP

$5 monthly
First 14 days free

Full access to all the  limerence.net forums with active involvement from Dr. David Perl and membership of our 2 private facebook groups

  • Full access to all the limerence.net forums
  • We have over 70,000 posts to learn from
  • The members only forums are actively contributed to by Dr. David Perl.
  • Access Private Message functionality of the forums to send messages to other users
  • Private Facebook group for women and men
  • Monthly subscription, 14 days free, cancel anytime

GOLD
MEMBERSHIP

$19 monthly
First 14 days free

Join the private community for those seeking day to day support from limerence with zoom webinars and private online groups

Silver membership plus:

  • Every 2nd and 4th Wednesday, a 90 minute zoom group call with Q & A with David and / or Ruth
  • Meetings are at 19.00 UK time
  • Join anonymously, voice only or by chat
  • We talk about all things related to relationships with a focus on limerence
  • Meetings recorded and available to all Gold members for viewing later
  • Monthly subscription, 14 days free, cancel anytime

PLATINUM
MEMBERSHIP

CONTACT
FOR DETAILS

For those seeking the very best in limerence support thats available. Work with 2 of the most knowledgeable therapists on the condition globally. 

Gold membership plus:

  • Video series
  • Private individual sessions either face to face or by zoom with David or Ruth
  • Online private support through email and Voxer
  • Online companion journal
  • Couples sessions also available. Note, we only work with couples as a couple.

All payment transactions are listed as docleaf leadership,
our coaching company at www.docleaf.com

Here are just a few of the videos we offer.

Click here for more.

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 Testimonials

I have worked with David (and to a lesser extent Ruth) for roughly 6 months and they have both been amazing and helped me to make some powerful changes to my life. David has shown me how to 'wake up', look within, become honest and authentic and meet my needs without the need to turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms that had caused harm and damage in the past. I have previously worked with counsellors and a hypnotherapist, but none of them did much more than scratch the surface. David is not afraid of getting to the root of the problems (even though this can feel challenging in the early stages of therapy) and has worked with me to help rip the roots out of the ground. These days I am way happier than ever and feel as though I am improving all the time with continued self-development. David has become a mentor, role model and a father figure (that I never had in my life) - on top of that, he is a brilliant therapist. Thank you both - you have changed my life for the better!
Simon
Sobriety coach.
Dear David and Ruth, Gavin and I have recently finished 8 months of couples coaching/therapy with you both. We wanted to thank you for the help and guidance you gave us in helping to communicate and understand each other better. This year has been very difficult, we now have more hope that next year will be better for us and our family.
Sally& Gavin
Professional working Mum
Went to see David as was struggling with limerence and being love addicted and obsessed over a work colleague. He really helped me understand and cope with this condition and helped me through a very dark period of my life. I always have found it hard to invest in myself and this really was one of the best investments i made.
Rick
Working father
"Ruth and David - how can we ever thank you enough for saving our marriage. When we first arrived at your office, we felt nothing would work as the love had gone. With your sensitive experienced guidance, we gradually healed the deep wounds in our relationship. It really helped us to understand how we brought our own issues into our marriage and working on these has been an extra benefit."
Karen and Les
Retired Couple
"I will take this opportunity to thank you for all of the hard work you have put in with me. It has been, and continues to be, truly transformative and what could have been a profoundly traumatic experience for me has been and is being processed in what I feel is a really healthy way, leaving me in a position of positivity, understanding and empowerment."
Keith
Father of 3
"Discovering my husband's affair was one of the most painful issues i've dealt with. With time and your gentle guidance and expertise, we have been able to rebuild our marriage into something even stronger than it was before his affair. We know communicate with honesty and are no longer afraid to express how we are feeling. My gratitude runs deep."
Karen
Retired grandmother

You can read what other visitors to this site have said below. Why not post your own comment at the bottom of the list?

100 Replies to “Home”

  1. I have been trying to figure out what has been wrong with all these years since teenage years I finally have a word for it. All my life I have developed crushes on people who would never return my affections and it is comforting I am not the only one.

    Is there any hope for people like myself?

    Are there any counselors, psychotherapists in the Boston, MA area that can help?

    Limerence seems like something people in English novels would frequently be afflicted with like a “Wuthering Heights” something from the Edwardian/Victorian era.

    I am curious to know if certain populations have a greater tendency for Limerence?

    Will there be a genetic therapy for this someday? I wouldn’t wish this on anyone it is a cruel affliction.

    Thanks for having this website.
    Sincerely,

    1. [quote name=”Arlene”]I have been trying to figure out what has been wrong with all these years since teenage years I finally have a word for it. All my life I have developed crushes on people who would never return my affections and it is comforting I am not the only one. [/quote]

      I cant believe how accurate this is to my situation. “having a word for it” changes everything. How is it posible that I need someone to tell me this kind of knowledge? That I need to say it, to become aware of it when others know it subconsciously.

  2. I’m more than happy to have found this site. I don’t want to self diagnose, but I STRONGLY believe im suffering from Limerence. It’s happening to me now, and it’s happened MANY times in the past, since I was 12. My longest episode lasted for about 2 years, and my LO was a guy that I didn’t even have a relationship with to begin with. Right now, it’s been about 14 months for me since the start of my Limerent epsiode, and the LO and I “broke up” about a year ago, even though we had an on-and-off FWB relationship.

    1. I as well do not want to self diagnose but according to this site I can’t help but to feel like this is what I am suffering. You said this has happened since you were 12? I am 17 and feel I am in a episode. My LO moved states away and clearly doesn’t have feelings for me. I’ve known this for 10 months and I still haven’t gotten over him. Our “relationship” started 2 years ago. It was a year ago that I realized I had to let go of him but I haven’t been able to. Do you have any advice? Do I just let it take it’s course? Is there anything I can do to, I don’t know, help it?

  3. Ive been feeling really strong feelings for a girl in my school ever since i started and now 5 years later those feelings are as stong as ever. She hates because she thought i was stalking her a while back and now i dont know what to do. Every morning and every night i think about her and me together because i know ill never be with her but i try to forgot that by imagining.
    What makes it even worse is that i didnt even talk to her before she thought i was stalking her. Now we’re both in collage and im in her business studies class, i really wanna talk to her but im scared she or her friend will ignore me or just diss me. I just hate the feeling of not meaning anything to her in life while she means so much to me. Sometimes i even have these days where i cant go to sleep because i can only think about what would happen when we finish collage and we both go our separate ways. I’ll never see the love of my life ever again. Please, i need help 😥

    1. So sorry to hear that. I am in the same boat. If you think that there is some chance you two can be together, then confess to her otherwise it’s best if you cut off all contact.

  4. Hello
    thanks for your site. I’m a 45 year old lady from Spain. I have suffered limerence many times in my life and I strongly believe this and other patterns are due to being raised by narcissistic parents. Thanks for helping find me voice 🙂

    1. Wow, I have a Narcissitic Mother who I discovered was Narcissitic about a year ago, Its been very hard to handle. Now, for some reason I was checking into obssesions, love addictions, etc.. and I found “Limerence” and I totally believe I am Limerent. So its very interesting to find that a probable cause would be having Narc parents. Thanks for sharing Barbara

    2. Hi Barbara,
      I would agree with this…narcissistic parents. I think it is something that develops because of a lack of parental affection, abandonment, narcissistic parents, etc, etc, etc… Basically not receiving the love, care and attention needed as a child sets one up for life-long struggles and issues down the road. Being aware of these issues at least helps one not to act on the impulses even though it is SO torturous to live with them. I have been experiencing this of late and it has been hell.

    3. Spot on!!! I was raised by them also!! I cannot talk truthfully to any of my siblings either. Robots to the Narcs while im thrown under the bus. Anyhow, limerence is So safe!! I guess I dont have the belief in anything real because it has all been squashed by the Narcs!! A real boyfriend or husband is too precious and they will Not validate so I live in limerence!!

  5. Hi Barbara

    I agree, narcissistic parents have a lot to answer for. As with all narcs, it seems low contact or even no contact is necessary if we are to separate and individuate.

  6. This is happening to me.
    2 months ago i hooked up with an old crush. She told me she ended her 6 year long relationship,and that she still have some stuff overthere. We hooked up on my initiative,only to find she was actualy still living with the bf and did not broke up with him,even if she claimed she wants to but cant do it now. I got the feeling she was playing with me. I broke up a month later because i could not trust her. I fell for her hard, and opened myself a lot very early into this affair. My ratio and my emotions went different directions.she wanted to keep it secret,no meeting in public. I broke up a month later. And 2 month after i am thinking about her 24/7 and replaying dialogues in my head.
    How to stop? I am a wreck….

  7. Its gotten to the point where my sickness and need for love has desensitized me and am no longer able to function properly. Its highs or lows, nothing in between. I can’t remember a time I didn’t feel like this but now I feel kind of scared I am gonna hurt myself and I don’t want to do that cause I do have family, they love me. Is there anything I can do to just end this already? I’m done crying 😳

  8. I have been in love with the same guy for over four years, though I’ve known him since 5th grade. He was one of my best friends and I saw him every day during school until I moved to Europe with my husband. Yes, I’m married and I still love him. I’ve tried everything in my power to forget him but I always find myself getting back in touch with him and falling all over again. I told him 4 years ago that I had fallen for him and he basically said he appreciated me telling him but never said anything else. He is kind of a loner so I don’t know if he might have had feelings and just wasn’t ready for a relationship. Regardless, I can’t stop loving him and it makes me feel awful because I love my husband but it just isn’t the same. I truly think that my LO was the “one” and I hate it. I hate feeling like this. But I love him.

    1. Hi,
      I just discovered today I’m 100% limerant! OMG. Obviously you are as well. Your LO hasn’t reciprocated your feelings. one strategy I use is avoidance of my LO. I was planning on seeing him at an event know Aug I thought he’d go to, but now that I see my illness described, I think I should probably avoid going. My advice to any limerent is to read “He’s just not that into you” a fantastic book. It’s funny and will help you more quickly realize your LO does NOT reciprocate your feelings. This is the best way to recover as quickly as possible from this ridiculous fantasy state of being! I wish there was a cure. Now that I’m aware, I’ll learn everything to rid myself of this.

  9. Oh I have been married for several years in which I often caught my spouse sexting other people so I had an affair. I was angry and bitter and wanted to show him how much it hurt, unfortunately I developed feelings and I am way over my head. This person is not one I would see myself being with but as many times as I have tried to back away, the more I get wrapped up. It has been almost 3 years and I am living in a separate room than my husband but not sure if I really love this other guy. I never thought I would be in this position, I have always tried to do what is right and I have screwed up beyond belief. So who do I choose? A cheating spouse (who says he has changed but I do not trust) or the guy who I may be an LO and will shorty be my remorse for not trying again in my marriage?

  10. I’m so glad for this post…I’ve always read into transference but this is spot on. I’ve always felt weird or out of place like no one would accept me in this state except for my best friend who is also limerent. But this is just soo comforting. Anyone wanting to chat about it with me?

  11. As we all know, Limerence is an illusion that provides the muse for poetry and song. I am reminded of a Paul McCartney song entitled “Just another silly love song.” At its core, Limerence is selfish. In his or her own mind the LE forces the LO to comport with their own fantasies and exaggerates the attributes and characteristics of the LO. In reality, this does a disservice to the LO by imprisoning him or her in this painting or portrait that is not really who they are but rather an idealized approximation of the LO. Limerence is a selfish thing in that it demands reciprocity from the LO who is largely a construct of the LE’s imagination. If an LE truly cares for the LO’s well and that of their own, they would let the LO be free of this burden.

    1. I was the LO of a songwriter, and my experience was that even though he referred to conversations we had in his songs, I sensed that he loved not me, but some version of me in his mind. I also noted that he sent his friends to try to get me to date him, but would become speechless when we touched on the subject of our relationship in person. Meanwhile, he was dating more than one woman at the same time. Clearly, he was at high risk of failure to attach.
      My response was to keep our relationship in friendship mode and not encourage romantic involvement. This was not effective in preventing his illusions, either, I found. I married someone else and moved out of state. This did not help. My marriage was abusive. My husband, jealous of him, threatened to kill us both. After sixteen years, I left. The songwriter kept trying to get in touch with me for three more years, never comprehending the danger he put me. himself, or my children in. Then he died in a car accident.

  12. Clare 1/2
    I quit smoking when my life burnt up into ashes.
    I had tried before but it was so easy to just have one and then another. because you think about them. they are on your mind and so is the memory of the feeling of breathing deep into yourself. in actual fact it tastes awful, makes your lungs feel wrecked and spins your head. easily forgotten.
    But then everything turned to shit and I decided I couldn’t afford cigarettes. I stop identifying as a smoker, more importantly I stopped identifying as a non-smoker. it wasn’t on my radar at all.

    Likewise my final escape* from LO was only because of catastrophe. a massive brutal dose of reality that left no room for idle thought or romantic intention. and in the clarity that followed, I made sure I wasn’t going to just drop back into old habits. here was my chance. the cell door was open, I wasn’t going to loiter.
    1/2

    1. Hi Rob!
      It’s amazing how you quit both! I’m have the same problems and somehow I know that when I quit smoking I will quit him too.

      How did you quit her?

      Btw, I haven’t smoked for a week now and planning to keep strong…

      1. Hi Crystal,
        The smoking analogy and LO were actually years apart. I brought it up because I felt it was two parts of the same kind of problem. Keep reading comment 2, sadly this wasn’t the actual answer. She’s gone now, no contact. still thinking of her most days, but its a passing thought and I’ve got better things to do. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Thank god, absence does not make the heart grow fonder.

        Also, really want to edit those previous comments.
        Good luck Crystal.

  13. Clare 2/2
    I marked down all her negative points and reevaluated how she treated me. There were absolute deal breakers I had glossed over for months.
    So I rebuilt my image of her, somewhat monstrous. something to avoid and resent. not true, not fair, too bad

    Ive had maybe 6 “days off” when she wasn’t totally dominating my thinking and each time I felt more like me, more in control, more confident.
    Yes the gloss comes off everything and i miss the soft lull of dreaming about somebody else and in weak moments, I mourn the girl that she was and hate the girl that she is. a deliberate choice to divide her into two different people, so I can mentally breakup with that beautiful soul with the eyes that I get lost in fuckfuckfuck.

    Quitting drinking helped.
    maintain strict discipline whatever you have control of but usually let yourself get slack on

    good luck everyone, its worth trying to beat it.
    2/2

    1. I believe I read somewhere there is a link to addiction for limerant people. I believe limerance is a form of addiction. It definitely generates dopamine. I used to think I was an “addictive personality ” because over my lifetime I’ve said I always needed a vice (cigs, weed, alcohol, LO), but now I believe as a result of childhood trauma, my brain did not develop optimally, that I have a dopamine deficiency which produced ADHD symptoms (Scattered: Dr Gabor Mate) and addictions were self medication to get appropriate levels of dopamine. If I have sex with a man, I get a dopamine rush and then immediately become addicted, even if he’s not right for me. Maybe not every time but a lot. Makes me feel like I have to avoid relationships altogether!

      1. [quote name=”Weeza”]I believe I read somewhere there is a link to addiction for limerant people. I believe limerance is a form of addiction. It definitely generates dopamine. I used to think I was an “addictive personality ” because over my lifetime I’ve said I always needed a vice (cigs, weed, alcohol, LO), but now I believe as a result of childhood trauma, my brain did not develop optimally, that I have a dopamine deficiency which produced ADHD symptoms (Scattered: Dr Gabor Mate) and addictions were self medication to get appropriate levels of dopamine. If I have sex with a man, I get a dopamine rush and then immediately become addicted, even if he’s not right for me. Maybe not every time but a lot. Makes me feel like I have to avoid relationships altogether![/quote]

        Absolutely re limerence and addiction – we have a whole section on the forum related to addiction – see http://limerence.net/forum/viewforum.php?f=59&sid=b98fc042c0ca491f5d99f8e2409fe60c

  14. I had a mutual limerence relationship with a girl for 3 years. It was very destructive for both of us and ended badly. It took me a good two years to get over her, although I never did forgot her

    !6 years later I found her and contacted her. She was happy to hear from me and said she never forgot me either. The funny thing is we are both in destructive mutual limerence relationships right now. We talk all the time and try to help each other get through it. It was like we had not talked in a week not 16 years and we grow closer each day

  15. I recently found out my boyfriend of 5 years had an obsessive crush about a girl he’d been chatting online with. It started as just friendly chat but he found he was having feelings for her, idealizing her, couldn’t stop thinking about her. He did the same to me before we started going out but I guess I thought I was special. He said he’s stopped talking to her and hates that he can’t control his feelings and he knew he had just made up this image of her in his mind. Can I ever trust him not to be limerence with another girl he meets? Or at least cut off contact if he recognizes these feelings again?

  16. I am currently in a limerence relationship in which my fiancé is the one struggling with these obsessive thoughts. He has got to jail a couple times because of it. Unfortunately, when I do leave, I feel horrible and only remember the good times. I convince myself that he will change. I think it’s important to remember that this is a mental condition and will not simply heal itself. He follows me. Calls me constantly. Asks me such personal questions and questions about the past that are irrelevant. He looks at my flaws and fantasizes about them as perfections. The first time I left him, he damaged my vehicle. The second time, he followed me and kept leaving things at my door. He was later arrested for domestic violence and harassment (originally stalking as well). Just yesterday, only a day after proposing, one of my neighbors down the street called the cops because a suspicious car was outside her house. He was stalking me again. I know we love these people. But we have to let go.

  17. I’m 15 years old and usually when I get crushes they’re mild and I don’t feel limerence, except for one person. I feel like limerence describes my feelings for him perfectly. I got a strong, obsessive crush on them in 6th grade which continued until about the end of 7th grade, though i never really got over him, I guess. We’ve started talking again recently and though I’m dating someone, I’m falling for this person all over again. I don’t want to love them but I do, and I don’t know why. These feelings won’t go away. I’m terrified and knowing that I’m obsessed with him makes me feel like a freakish stalker. Someone, please, please help me. I have no idea what to do.

    1. There are different things you could do that might help. Self help books, therapy, prayer, meditation, etc…. or maybe just when these thoughts come on, silently be your own limerence coach. Talk yourself off the ledge… I guess I am one to talk though… I have the same issues (see my post- I might be in bigger trouble!!)

  18. The last time I tried to break off contact with my LO I heard from mutual friend that LO very depressed about it. He’s been through a lot of heartache in life, and I am compassionate (to the extreme), and when he texted that he absolutely had to tell me about some important news, I capitulated. He poured out his heart about he told our friend how depressed he was when I was MIA, and just couldn’t understand it. He said “You are my best friend, and I am yours”. But that’s all it appears to be…friendship with no future! There is a large age difference (I am the older one) and I am quite different from his past two great loves (who both broke his heart into smithereens), . I do realize now that I am a limerent, I have known for a few years that mum has NPD. Why does LO insist on being my best friend? I know I have to try my best at NC and to finally heal (it’s been about 4 years) but as we all know, it’s agony. He has been kind, generous, helpful and so fun! A great love, but not.

  19. I have literally been head over heels in love with this girl at my college for seven straight months now. I freeze up and feel butterflies every time I see her. The other night, I couldn’t keep my feelings in any more. She’s a friend and colleague of mine. We are in the same club. I got invited to party thrown by another fellow club member last week. I got really drunk at the party and I confessed my feelings for her. She was really chill and she understood. She texted me the next day and told me I was a really great person, and although she wasn’t interested, she told me I would find someone awesome. So we are chill now. However, I saw her on campus twice today after my class, and felt the butterflies immediately. I do not know what to do about the butterflies. I want it to stop. I do not want to have feelings for this girl any more.

    1. [quote name=”MJ”] I want it to stop. I do not want to have feelings for this girl any more.[/quote]

      Exactly. 16 months here. I see him every work day. I really want it to stop. I also do not want to have feelings for him any longer. I research for ways to stay busy, try to discipline my brain. I try to ignore him – which makes him give me MORE attention. Arrggh! So, I try to act normal and talk to him like normal co-workers. Me changing jobs is not a possibility at this time. I doubt that he is going anywhere, but I keep hoping. In fact, I point out job opportunities to him. Sigh.

  20. I’m engaged and I am in love with a very good friend of mine. My rational mind doesn’t want to be with him but I can’t stop my internal voice from telling me that I’m in love with him every day. I feel like no contact is impossible. No contact would be so extreme and over the top but I just need to stop thinking about being with him. The fantasy is NOT the reality. Even if I was with him it would not be anything close to the fantasy I have. In fact, it probably has nothing to do with him at all. I want a fantasy that doesn’t exist and I just put it on him because he’s what’s there. I could put this fantasy on anyone. Because I’m obsessed with love, fairy tale love, the kind of love that you KNOW isn’t real. But why? Why isn’t it real? Is it real? If it is, why don’t I have it?

    1. Oh Mandy, I feel for you, because I know how it feels..like you are being pulled in half. The people I know that are happily married fall into either one of 2 categories..1=Star crossed lovers..they knew from an early age or when they met they should be together, and 2 – divorced and married someone more compatible. I have been married 15+ years, and there are times I question if I got it right. On top of that have 2 kids. It doesn’t make sense that someone has come into my life and turned it upside down with these feelings. I have not acted on this, but it is driving me crazy. The feelings go way beyond sex. I think it is great that you recognize your feelings as tied to fantasy because you’re right…you can live out a fantasy with anyone. I think the key is “Will the other person enjoy this fantasy long-term?”, and not just say anything because they are attracted to you. Also, what other fantasies do you have? Would your partner enjoy playing those out as well?

  21. I can’t believe I’m typing this. This is a pattern for me, every year or so I become so completely consumed with a guy. Generally they aren’t emotionally available or even gay for that matter. It become this obsession in my mind and my whole day revolves around whether I get attention from this person or not. Right now, they guy has a girlfriend and has told me sleeps with other men and doesn’t plan on stopping. I’m so embarrassed that I won’t even tell my friends. I realize the healthy thing to do would be to stop talking to him, but the thought brings about such intense anxiety that I will allow myself to keep doing, generally till the person sees how crazy I get and stops talking to me. I’ve literally passed up wonderful chances to be in relationships with available healthy guys but always have this other person who I unrealisticly beleive will be with me even though I realize it will never happen. It’s literally killing me. I guess thanks for reading.

  22. Thanks you for this site, after reading all the comments here I feel so much less alone and ridiculous in how I feel and have felt towards women, usually very close friends in the past. I am the typical nice guy, usually single, always pineing for the wrong girl who just think is of me as a friend. I look back on my romantic history and I see a very distinct pattern that keeps plaguing me. I will meet a girl, fall head over heals for her and spend literally years trying to recoup only to fall back into the same pattern again always with the hope that this time will be different. This most recent limerence has left me at all time lows and even though I know she cares for me, she dropped rather hard and quickly ending our fwb before as I hoped it would blossom into much more. I’m a wreck, she enters my mind everyday even though we haven’t talked in over a two months. I know if I truly love her I would just let her go but nothing will erase her from my soul, I won’t find peace

  23. I constantly experience Limerence. What’s horrible is that I’ve been engaged to the father of my child. I love him and we’ve been together for 9 years. Once I met a guy online and we had a relationship for 5 months and never even met. He was an escape. He had a great job. He was fun. He had qualities that I liked in my fiancé and others that my fiancé did not, which I also found attractive and intriguing. We talked about my son and I moving to Louisiana (we live farrrrr from there) and how we’d make an amazing life together. After we broke it off, I didn’t even miss him. It was so weird. I’ve also been experiencing Limerence with my third cousin for 17 years. I’m only 34. We have hooked up on and off for a long time. Sometimes we go a few years where we don’t talk, but when we finally contact each other again, we can’t stop the way we feel. My wedding is in 3 months. My cousin and I have been hooking up every other weekend for the past 3 months. I’m screwed up.

  24. Hi all,
    I would like to know where to find in the Forum about LE reactions to letdowns from LO, inlcuding extreme jealousy, abandonment feelings, rejection, that somehow do not match the situation in reality. I.e, my LO couldnt talk to me at the hour we set and I took that so bad, didnt have an argument but I felt worse than if I just gone through a break-up, which I logically see its not a natural reaction to what just happened. The feelings in me are: a lot of anger and wishing to get even, like punish him in some way for doing that, in fact I just ignored him after that and he is Limerent too, so I know he wont take that too cool. Perhaps I am reacting to abandonment and neglect from my parents, transferring that to this?

  25. Wow I didn’t know this had a word. I was 17 and she was 15 when we started dating. I fell head over heels in love with her and she with me. It was the best year of my life.

    I moved to college and could only come home weekends. I’m not sure what happened on her end other than she was young and not ready to settle down. People called our love “puppy love,” but I knew better (at least on my end). I knew it was the real thing. She was the first girl to ever tell me she loved me.. that really meant something to me. Why would she say it if she didn’t feel as strongly as I did I thought to myself.

    We broke up and not a single day has gone by that I don’t think about her throughout the day and miss her. That was over 12 years ago at this point.

    I tried reaching out to her a few years ago to see how she was doing hoping maybe things would work out, but it doesn’t look good. Whatever feelings she once had for me are long gone and are never coming back.

    1. I’ve had several LOs in my life, the first continuously since 1988. We broke up after college. I still think of her almost daily. We’ve remained friends and write each other every couple of weeks, and she’s far enough that I don’t obsess every day, but the pain over what might have been has never gone away. There’s never been anyone to talk to about it. So glad to have found this forum. Good luck Zach.

  26. I am 42 years old and have been limerent with six different girls, The first case began when I was 13 and lasted 9 years. I had a few shorter episodes, each lasting 1 to 3 years, and then another one lasting 9 more years. My current episode is going on 1 year. The worst part of it is, my last two LO’s have been significantly younger than me. It’s almost as if I am trying to relive the first experience. I am finally ready to start the work I need to do to better myself, but it is going to be painful since I’m not in a position to go no contact.

    1. Mike – curious about how it’s going now. I’m in a similar situation of limerence for someone I work with. Getting a new job is out of the question and it is likely we’ll work together for the next 15 years or so until retirement. To make it worse, she has been dating another co-worker of mine for a few years now while keeping it a secret because of workplace romance concerns. It is a daily torture and I’m curious if you ever found relief even while not being able to go no-contact. Thanks.

  27. I just found out about limerence like an hour ago, and realized I’ve sufferef from this my entire life. I’m 25 years old kinda a loner whos considered a good looking guy, throughout High School a lot of girls had crushes on me. But I rarely ever had interest in the. Id always develop crushes on one girl and become obsessive, to the point I cant even think logically and it never works out.

    3 years ago I became obsessed with a co worker who showed me signs of interest we even went on a date but i didnt work out and I had an almost 6 months long depression obsessing over her.

    I thought I learned my lesson but now again I find myself obsessed with a new girl. Shes the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with and I’m constantly fantasizing about her. I live in NYC she lives in DC but is originally from NY so shes visits often. We made plans to meet up a week ago but she postponed her trip indefinitely. Its driving me seriously crazy .

  28. Hi all,
    My LO emailed me in June telling me to cease all contact with him and blocked me on Facebook. You would think this had been the result of something major on my part, but honestly, it had only been some feelings of weirdness for a couple of months, on my part, followed by one particularly contentious text conversation that actually ended well. Two days later, I was cut off. It took everything in my power to respect the LO’s boundaries, but I have. Didn’t see him at all over the summer, which has been an immense help, but now am back to a regular weekly activity in which I will see him all the time. The feelings are flooding back, even though we are not even friends any longer! Anyway, just wanted to ask if anyone has pursued this as being a result of early attachment issues. In my own life, I had a father who passed away when I was 4 and mother who may well have been emotionally unavailable while dealing with this both before and after the death.

  29. How many Introverts are we? is there a correlation?
    Introverts upvote plz!
    Extroverts downvote plz!

    1. Extrovert here. Not sure if there’s a correlation with personality type. I’ve had intense crushes and overly fantasized about finding a soulmate but have always dealt with breakups well. This last one though may very well be limerence. We dated six months and it wasn’t working for him. He’s been fairly kind about it, and has proposed we be friends, but my obsession is just getting worse. It’s been six months since we stopped seeing each other and I keep getting more obsessed. I can usually leave him alone for about two weeks before I feel the extreme need to make contact. Sometimes he answers and sometimes he doesn’t. I feel like I’ll never be happy again. I know it’s not real love, it can’t be. It’s one sided. But he’s in my thoughts almost every waking moment. It has to stop one day. I just have to keep believing that.

  30. Wow, I stumbled on this site and everything I read makes me say out loud…oh my God! This is me, these are my thoughts, this has a name, I’m not crazy, there are others in the same awful boat…but there is hope

  31. Its been 5 years since she dumped me and i am living in a lie that “i can forget her”. After knowing that she will never c ome back to me i am still waiting . After all these years i still check her msg . I don’t know how to stop it , but i want it to stop bothering me.

    1. I had the worse case of Limerance imaginable. I deal with it very well now but I also think my LO will contact me. It’s been nearly 2 years with no contact. I still allow the thoughts to be im my head and I also laugh at myself and say “there I go again” when the thoughts do happen. At the end of the day thoughts are thoughts and thats all they are. Learn to live with them and don`t act on them. The deminish with time but will probably always be there.

  32. So…..I started dating this guy in 2011 and the beginning of our relationship was a fairytale. It was the best relationship I’ve ever had. We dated from July 2011 to May 2012. Around February I noticed a change in him. He was distancing himself from me. And I’ve never felt more lonely than when I was in bed with him and he wouldn’t hold me or cuddle. Anyway we broke up and almost 5 years later here I am still thinking of him everyday. I don’t think it’s obsessive but we made plans for a future together. And when we broke up all of our dreams went down the tubes. To this day I still don’t have an answer to why he left me. It really hurt because I put a lot into the relationship and I told him things I didn’t tell anyone. I miss him and us. Is that limerence or normal.

  33. 1 year together, he dumped me once so I unfriended him so he blocked me. We started again, I dumbed him, he unfriended me. I feel bad to have dumbed him today, but I know that it was the right choice at that time. I think about him 24/7. How sick is this!!!

  34. I had no idea that there were other people who felt this way. The closest connection I had was with a TV character. I hope I can get some help, I need it.

  35. 2 months dating, she sayd to me she miss me, that I am the best… 4 days later, she suddenly cut me off by message, saying she doesn’t think she is the girl for me… I felt so frustrated and hurt she took decision for both of us, while in fact I have just fallen for her. Somehow I let her in… and she was there in my heart ! My bad, I am very picky person, I waited 10 years to meet such a girl, and meeting her, I though, finally someone I could marry, have family with, travel the world, she become the key to my happiness, and in a what it seems over-reacting moment from her part, she decided to breakup claiming it was best for me… goodbye to the relationship, became goodbye to my found happiness, crumble dreams ! I am 40 year old, I should know better…. I need to understand… what went wrong ? am not a cat, can’t fall down on my 4 feets just like that, just because she think I can easily forget her… need a process, need to see you and talk it though….

  36. But here come the no Contact rule from her !! un-friended F–k! Grrrrr !!!! she just gave me a “sorry” …. now my Limerence is kicking in ! I am down ! It is easier to say goodbye to a relationship who is past then to say goodbye to the person, it is like death, the grieving process takes much longer. why you impose that to me ? I never asked for it ! just starting… we know how it goes… weight loss, projects at work get in trouble, start self abusing and self-destructive behaviors… Why she can’t understand ? all that drama could just have been avoided.. we are adult … in fact : why I CAN NOT GET IT ? am sick .. so stupid… like catch a cold for the body, a cold for emotional state.. where is my vitamin C ? let’s rebuild .. at least we learn something out of it…. Next time around a girl break up, I have to impose myself a 4 months no contact, let HER miss me, and realize I am the Alpha the one who know better. NEVER try to convince her…

  37. I came across an amusing case study on blog spot that I’ve been following ‘Limerence in the age of terror’

  38. I’m actually amazed at how much I have resonated with all of what I am reading from limerance/pnf/narcissistic parental figure. Extrovert here. I’m 34 I put my constant relationships ranging 1-4years down to ‘serial monogamy’ but the truth is deeper. In the last year, after a four year monogamous but not growing relationship, I have experienced many consensual sexual experiences but still I have this limerance quality where I want crave unconscious or not, to be a reciprocated long term relationship! Even when exploring polyamory!! I mean this is me to a tee, I’m so greatful that this site exists, that I can define it and move forward, and yes though the steps I read are very dramatic re:abstinence from relationships, my gut instinct is telling me in order to change I have no choice but to take that path, good luck everyone x

    1. I too just found this site and have the exact same experience as you Char. I am also raised by narc mother and since I was 12 I have been a serial monogamist who cheats. Is that possible? I am debating whether I have true Limerance because I have been having an affair for a year with a married man who I am in love with. I relate to having obsessive thoughts and fantasies about him but it is different because he does reciprocate his affection as well. I also have dabbled with being the third partner in a poly relationship. I don’t know if it is just an intimacy disorder or what but I relate to you and limerance. The idea of cutting it off cold turkey makes me nauseous to think about… ugh

    2. [quote name=”Char”]I’m actually amazed at how much I have resonated with all of what I am reading from limerance/pnf/narcissistic parental figure. [/quote]
      Wow…the narcissistic parent connection is undeniable to me now. Mine was also alcoholic, so was even further distracted (read: absent, unattached). In fact, I was the LO of a narcissist in my last “round” of this insanity. I was actually going to leave my husband and my life to find a way to be with this guy. He love-bombed me in the beginning, dumped me, came crawling back, then I dumped him — finally for good. What fun. My latest LO was very sweet…but was also alcoholic. And then would disappear. In the end, none of this is healthy. It could be 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years, or more, but the LO is often experiencing as many struggles or more as you are. They just present differently.

  39. Thank For i’ve found this website!
    I’m suffering of limerence and I thought that I was the only one, because I don’t know anybody else passing through tais as well! My friends think I’m crazy, and also do I. I am 28 years old and I am in love with a co-woker since two years ago, it’s completely unrequited! But 1 month ago he moved away to another city! Now my friends keep telling me that is time to move on, and I rationally understand this, but emotionally I can’t stop thinking about him every waking hour, I lost my religion, I’m sick, I can’t eat, or sleep, or even work! How can I move on? Thank you very much!

  40. It seems like im one of the few on this site on the other end of limerence. I think i must be a limerent object. Ive been searching for some way to explain my affect on this other person. He thinks im a magical witch. It was love at first sight for him. He says we are twin flames. It has been 8 years and he remains obsessed.
    The strangest part is, he has finally dragged me in, too. We recently cut ties, and now I am obsessed with him. I search his name on google, i leave messages for him on social media (ones i know only he will understand), i feel paralyzed by intrusive fantasies. I am in the most wonderful, committed, balanced relationship of my life, and i still feel this connection to this another guy. I do not admire him. In fact, i feel disgusted and ashamed. I never want to see him again. I want to reach out to him and pique his interest. I want to mail him anonymous letters. I want to manipulate his life for better and for worse. I feel insane.

    1. Hi,

      This must be difficult…. Well try to play your fantasies out in your mind- think of how bad and unsatisfying they would probably be….or how hurt people could get. It might help you kill the obsession before it gets totally out of control. Keep us posted! Good luck…

    2. You aren’t insane. So you were his LO, now he is yours. Remember it’s not about them, it’s about us. Possibly once he sucked you in he realized you weren’t the magical other he objectified you to be. You changed the dynamics after 8 years. He reacted by withdrawing? Finding another LO?

      Now you are suffering. You are lucky to have a healthy, balanced, relationship. Hang onto that. In time this ridiculous obsession will cease. It’s not about him. You already know he’s not right for you. Even if he was over the top crazy about you for 8 years, and you weren’t interested, you still likely enjoyed the admiration, the attention, reliability, the friendship. Now that he has withdrawn completely, it’s normal you would miss it and wonder why? Remember, when you had him,you didn’t want him. So likely you don’t want him now either. You just felt special being an LO.

      It’s possible you are limerent but not sure.

  41. My feelings for her were explosive, the result of deep admiration, attraction, and concern over the terribly unfair situation her husband put her in. I believed that I saw her only as a friend, and then it happened. She’s all I think about. The only way I can go to sleep is to either drink myself there, or to gaze inside my mind at her image until I drift off. All the other shiny things in my life are dull, muted by the dread that she’ll never love me. And if she did it would ruin so many lives, so many families, so many reputations. The result of any relationship between us would be poison, yet I want a double dose just to feel the satisfaction and the joy, if only for a moment. I didn’t ask for this. I’m fifty years old and I’ve never felt this way. I’m sick with desire and sickened by my desire. God please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    1. # Thomas. I deeply empathise with your situation and admire your insights. I am in early fifties and in a somewhat similar situation with a co-worker 15 years junior. It started with this deep empathy for her. Then several things converged. But I dont intend to see it as a neurotic condition. It makes me touch the far corners of my spirit, deep recesses of my soul. She makes me sense the nature of my truth – Existence, Consciousness, Bliss. Dorothy Tennov might exclaim – “I told you so, Limerence !’ . But naming something does not explain it. Life is much too complex. Ecstacy and despair might be two sides of a coin. Like light and darkness. One pays for the other. With all its pain, in the end I regard it as a gift. I only wish happiness for her. It aches as much as for anyone here. But I know I will never act and wreck lives of my children. It helps that that situation may never present itself. I am not happy to call her LO. It may be an object in a scientific paper.

  42. I’m in love with a happily married co-worker. Or is it limerence? Not sure. All I know is I can not stop thinking about her. I fantasize about her a lot…and mostly they are not sexual…mostly they consist me helping/saving her or impressing her in some way… Anyway, I really admire her husband and 2 children. I’d never dream of disrupting her marriage (as if I had a chance at that anyway- she’s way out of my league)…but having said that, I feel like we are getting closer slowly… she shares intimate family issues with me and I with her. We text sometimes me recently she suggested about doing some innocuous activity outside of work some time. I think she really feels relaxed with me be trusts me…. and she’s safe with me….but if she only knew how much I love and obsess over her, she’d probably freak out….

  43. I’ve been obsessed (not in love!) with this guy for 5 years since I was at school school who I didn’t really even knw, yet I haven’t seen him for almost 4 years as he moved abroad. I have on-off episodes when I can think about nothing but him lasting several months, when I constantly search for him on facebook, google etc. (I know I should just stop, but after all this time, and my pathetic willpower, that seems pointless). Its got to the point that I can’t ‘fall in love’ with anyone else, no matter how much I’ve tried. I’ve even tried to force myself to fancy others, and whilst transference works for a bit its not sustainable L-T. The fear of him being with/kissing/sleeping with anyone tears me apart, making me scour social media for ‘evidence’ to calm my nerves. I hate that I can’t get over him, and fear that I’ll never ‘love’ someone else to the same intensity, but properly, because I’ll always negatively compare them to him. Pls help if you can.

  44. I am in mid fifties and in a somewhat similar situation with a co-worker 15 years junior. It started with this deep empathy for her. Then several things converged. But I dont intend to see it as a neurotic condition. It makes me touch the far corners of my spirit, deep recesses of my soul. She makes me sense the nature of my truth – Existence, Consciousness, Bliss. Dorothy Tennov might explain it away as Limerence. But I think very often we assume we know just by naming something. Life may be much too complex Ecstasy and despair might be two sides of a coin. Like light and darkness. One pays for the other. With all its pain, in the end I regard it as a gift. I only wish happiness for her. It aches as much as for anyone here. But I know I will never act and wreck lives of my children. It helps that the question may never present itself. I am not happy to call her ‘Limerent Object’. It may be an object in a scientific paper. For me she might be the Subject itself.

  45. I have been limerent since I was 7 or 8 years old and from there the cycle has never ended. I never knew what I was suffering until I stumbled upon the term: limerence. It has been liberating to know that what I feel has a name. I have never been in a relationship which I feel is aggravating my limerence. Right now the cycle is just ending where my LO hasn’t reciprocated my feelings and on top of that is a friend. I am feeling depressed but I am sure that I will be over it soon, as it is a cycle. But this time I am committed to not have a new LO. Sorry if this seems disjointed, just got a lot of thoughts in my head 🙂

  46. It will destroy your life eventually if u can’t get control it…will take over your life ..simply; it drew me into an affair for many years all I could think about 24/7 was her… I lost years with my children because all I could think about was the next romantic fix… it is worse than a drug addiction it corrupts your mind body and soul and the person y once were is gone ..cheesy; on some level I was once anakin skywalker to darth Vader .. Corrupted by this I destroyed my marriage, friends family all gone … I do not want anyone’s pity or will make choices … however unless you experience luminance one can’t understand how it takes you over from the inside out slowly ….and now my marriage, my life as I once new it all gone as I still battle it everyday longing for my lover, knowing it’s limerence getting the best of me; again!

  47. Just discovered this term, and am starting to realize that I have spent nearly my entire life in limerence. I am married w/ 2 teenagers. Over the last 6 months I have fallen for a married colleague. She has moved to a new job a month ago and the feelings are just starting to subside. In my craziness I started doing online searches about my feelings and stumbled upon this group. I have tried to explain my obsessive thoughts to close friends over the years , they are sympathetic but cannot empathize. My current LO may have an idea about my feelings, but nothing overtly physical was ever said or done. Just me living in a selfish fantasy world. I have not attempted to make contact with her since she left and after reading many of the posts, I certainly won’t. Thanks to all of you!!

  48. So glad to have found this site. I recently learned about limerence after a heart-wrenching experience with the 5th LO in my adult life. He said I was the girl of his dreams, then essentially disappeared. It has been a destructive pattern that I’ve kept hidden for years. I am 50, married, with 3 almost grown children. A good life — perfect from the outside — but for me, there must always be a limerent affair in the shadows for me to enjoy intimacy with my husband. Trying to unravel the real WHY of it. My guess is early childhood attachment disorder. John is exactly right: it will destroy you. But you must forgive yourself first before you can move on. And it is an addiction, as well as a compulsion.

  49. well…i think my case of limerence is quite…unbelievable, but true. Although it’s like I’m just obsessing over him. And the worst part is, ME HAVING FEELINGS FOR HIM IS WRONG ON ALL LEVELS… there is a certain level of limerence for my case but I don’t think it’s just limerence. there must be something else wrong with me…

  50. Good to give it a name. I’ve been with my wife over 15 years. I had fallen deeply for my first serious girlfriend before that and that had been it. I love my wife, I truly do. I would put her happiness and her life before my own. However it’s been over a year now and my work ‘crush’ is only getting stronger / worse (take your pick). I know it’s not real. I know it’s just a fantasy with all the good and minus all the reality. But it doesn’t matter. I can’t seem to reason myself out of this. This girl is amazing, intelligent, lovely and to die for gorgeous, in every way. Of course, she is not single either, how could a girl like her ever be. Never mind, even if she were, she is laughably out of my league. Just writing it down, knowin other people out there feel the same way, makes me feel a bit better. Which is handy, because right now I feel like a total bastard. I just want it to stop. I want to find the switch & turn this off. Please let me find the strength to be the man I want to be

    1. Whoa… Right after I found this site I was about to write about what is happening to me, then I read *your* comment. I’m in exactly the same spot, almost to the letter, and is driving me crazy!! If you find that damn switch please let me know where is it.

    2. I am in the same spot as you, J! 15+ year marriage and obsessed with my work colleague for over a year. I can’t get him out of my mind. It’s awful. I know he likes me too, so it is just unbearable. I keep telling myself NO CONTACT, but I just can’t bear to lose him from my life. Working with him brings me joy, and there isn’t much joy in my life otherwise. He makes me so happy and so sad at the same damn time. Makes no sense at all. I know this is a chemical addiction to a person- and that I am building a fantasy about him in my mind, but I have never been drawn to someone like this ever before in my life. I keep telling myself that this is something special – it’s not like this has happened with anyone else. I wish I had never met him. On the other hand, I feel like if I can just get past this feeling (limerence ends eventually – from what I have been told) I will have a lifelong friend/soul mate to the end.

  51. I have a work crush. It’s INSANE. I have had obsessive crushes ever since i was about 5 and it’s so hard for anyone to understand because most people can somehow manage their emotions. I cry stupid amounts and it is a very physical pain of longing. It’s very upsetting that I have let this happen yet again but no amount of saying “i always do this so the person means nothing, they’re interchangeable” makes it stop. I feel I want to lose myself in him but this time it’s a step too far and I am struggling to pull myself back out. It hasn’t given me the good feelings most of the prior addictions have given me. It hasn’t given me a new lease of life. It has just made me feel awful. There is also another girl he looks at and I watch them and it makes me feel like my stomach is in knots. It’s an awful feeling. I want to be over this but part of me wants to sink.

  52. We were friendly acquaintances. Our paths would cross every few weeks and we would spend a short while talking. We got on well. There was an underlying attraction, soon forgotten after the event. Then, after about a year, there was a sudden shift for me. One day I was with him and I experienced this overwhelming sense of magnetic attraction and belonging. The indescribable joy and lightness lasted for a couple of weeks. Then it was overshadowed by a dark dawning that we were both unavailable. Months of limerent highs and lows ensued. I’d never experienced it before and it was seriously affecting my life. As no contact was impractical due to our circumstances, I initiated a disclosure of sorts. Mutual rejection stopped the limerence but the disclosure has left a trail of destruction. I have hurt him, his partner and my own. Friendships are torn. I restored my wellbeing but at the expense of others’ and I feel very responsible and sorry. Some feelings remain, but no limerence thankfully.

  53. This idea of limerance tears me up inside because I don’t want to believe it. I don’t want to believe that I’m selfish. But I do know that parents did neglect me and I know that’s why I feel empty inside. Just recently I wrote a song for someone I had a crush on. It wasn’t romantic, but it’s about this person in detail. And I sent it to him because he’s going away, before that I painted him a rock with a bible verse on it. Now I am loathing myself for doing these things. I wish I hadn’t done them, I wish he could reciprocate, I’m not mad if he doesn’t, but I had a dream that he wrote a song back to me and I know that’s just a fantasy. But at the same time, I love the song I wrote and I was proud of it, but now I’m ashamed of it because I think about how this isn’t Love it’s limerance. Is songwriting a selfish thing to do? I don’t understand it since everyone loves them so much. But in this view of limerance it’s a completely selfish thing to do.

  54. I met a 49 yr old gorgeous blond while at work. She flirted with me even though she had a live-in bf. We’ve been out a few times and her bf since moved out.
    It’s been 8 months, she never texts or calls first. I’m the only one chasing her. I cannot get her off my mind. I know a relationship between us wiuld be doomed but I’m still holding on. I’m trying no contact and trying to meet other women. I’m miserable with these obsessive thoughts about her.

  55. i am here to tell you IT IS POSSIBLE to get over it…i had a MAJOR depression for 1 year (zoloft and antipsychotics) then a more subtle one for 3 more years due to my LO’s rejection.
    we only had 2 dates, and separated by half the country. it came down to after college, was i going to move back to my hometown and make my dreams come true with this woman and live there forever, never going anywhere? or was i going to make my other dreams come true in california and learn to surf.
    well, after inquiring proposing a date of sorts, i was met with the weakest response on her part, (updating her facebook photo to something relevant about us?) i received no response and then confessed about my near-obsession (angrily) and just scared her off. it was bad.

  56. Wow. This is me. In the height of limerence after kissing the object of my obsession last week. I’m married, he’s married. We’re both unhappy in our relationships (at least that’s what he tells me) and I craved his attention, engineering opportunities to see him, google stalking, being where I hoped he’d be, checking out astrological compatibility FFS (we’re not BTW). Then we went out a part of a group (I ensured he’d be there). We chatted (he touched my knee), did shots, danced, he kissed me on my forehead, my neck, then kissed me on the lips. He said how sexy I was, more than his wife, how much he wanted to take me elsewhere and fuck me. Dream come true, sort of, but I’m not that kind of woman. He’s the first person I’ve kissed apart from my husband for the last 20 years and I knew it would break me if I did that, though I realise I’ve been having an emotional affair anyway. I want to be rid of the endless thought cycle whilst desperate to know his feelings. Please help. So mixed up.

  57. I’m 33 now. Ive been coping with what I now understand as a sex and love addiction, and primarily a problem with limerence since I was a teen. My dad told me after my first break up “time to upgrade from a Ford to a Porsche.” This is the narcissist who took advantage of my codependent mother their entire relationship. Star role model.

    I’m currently married with a batch of children to one of my first LOs. She ended up with a friend and had two kids, I went to university and tried my best to forget her. It was years before I finally cut my ties, and then within six months they were separated. Well, contact resumed and here we are. Along the way though it seems like alcohol filled some sort of void and now that our kids are all school aged it feels like there’s something missing. I’ve recently developed another limerent object and am feeling so lost.

  58. I’m ashamed to admit that I deal with limerence towards people who attend the same school as me. It’s been ongoing for 3 years and no matter how much I try to distance myself, it’s become a fantasized relationship between me and someone who hasn’t ever known I existed until I sent them a friend request on Facebook. There’s always that part of me that says ‘maybe there’s hope’ but I know it’s only over analyzing.

  59. This has been my life for 3 years, almost every waking hour I would think about my LO and neglect almost every other part of my life. I was in therapy and he dominated my sessions, I was on Wellbutrin for the utter sadness and loneliness from not being with him. When I read up on limerence so many professionals mentioned OCD, so I researched OCD meds and begged my doctor to put me on Lexapro, a go to med for OCD. Within 2 weeks I was a new person, I still think about him and miss him every day but I do not wake up and immediately think of him, I still fantasize but it is rare and not as intense, I can concentrate on other things and hours upon hours go by where I do not think of him. I feel like I have my life back…please don’t be afraid to medicate.

  60. HELP PLEASE!!! I FEEL LIKE I’M DYING! I’M PRAYING FOR DEATH TO COME! SEEMS LIKE I’VE BEEN THROUGH THIS SO MANY TIMES AND I JUST CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE! EACH TIME THE PAIN IS GREATER AND GREATER. WHERE CAN I GO FOR HELP?????
    CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME????

  61. My latest LO I actually dated for a few years. I broke up with him and I believe I was his LO for 2 years. He always wanted me back. After 2 years I started speaking to him more. He was with someone but always acted like he still wanted to get back. We ran into each other and he told me that encounter sent him over the edge. It really emotionally threw him. All of a sudden he got really mean to me and said he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. Then his girlfriend texted me and said not to

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Initial steps - Access our free content and support

 

The origins of the limerence.net forum

Limerence.net originally started out as a forum to help others. At that time there was only one other forum for limerence suffers called Tribes.limerence.net. Tribes was a community platform where anyone could easily create a group for any interest that too their fancy. The limerence community was created in 2008 by Meowbie and we have posted his story here.

I came across the Tribe community in 2010 and found it a life saver.  However the reliability of the service began to suffer and there were increasing outages. I started to panic wondering what would happen if that lifeline crashed and that was the motivation to start up a parallel forum. I took some heat in the early days with people claiming I was trying to draw away members. 

My intuition which normally serves me well, was correct. In around 2015 the Tribe system collapsed completely. If you want to read more about Tribe and its founders, see this article here. 

Since its inception in 2014, the forum has grown to nearly 3,000 members. we also know that for every person that registers, many more lurk.

Given challenges with the sensitive nature of limerence and the shame most people feel, we took the step to only allow registered users to see the forums.  Since the form was formed, we have not charged for access and self funded the expansion and maintenance.

In 2021 Ruth and I decided to up our game as we had left the forum to drift whilst we focussed on growing our LoveRelations business  and create a more secure part of the forum where we will take a more active role in contributing to member’s posts. 

A significant part of the forum  is still free to access whilst the more secure areas require a silver Membership plan. 

 

Over the years David has been writing numerous articles about his experience with limerence. More latterly he has expanded his writings to the expereince he has gained through working as a psychotherapist and coach with clients struggling with their own limerence. 

this has grown into a library of over 100 articles with at least 2 articles a week being added.  The articles are catalogued by date and searchable.

Alongside the articles, we are also building a repository of Youtube videos and podcasts. Our aim is to make this the best free resource available for understanding and healing from limerence.

Some of the videos and podcasts relate to other relationship issues, as afterall we are also couple’s counsellors and relationship coaches and have much to offer in these arenas too!

Overcome limerence in our guided video series

When first discovered that there is a word that describes what you are likely experiencing, it can be overwhelming in knowing where to start. There is now such a wealth of information available, however its not structured in a systematic way and it can all be confusing. 

If you want a more structured and guided way to work through  recovery from limerence, I have created a multi-module structures video training series along with worksheets and links to other relevant information.

This course is based on my thousands of hours of supporting  others with limerence, on my own clinical experience as a leadership coach, counsellor and psychotherapist and perhaps most important of all, my own  limerence. 

It’s a step by step guide to help you develop a deeper understanding of this condition whilst I hold your hand on the steps to start overcoming your limerence.

The videos are grouped under 4 separate modules. These do not need to be followed in the specific order they are presented as all the steps are important. However, if you can, watch a video a day and reflect on what I am talking about and then to undertake the exercises of they form part of that video.

For the full course contents, please click here.

And we offer a 14 day money back guarantee.  If you are not satisfied for any reason, we will refund you your full amount. 

Silver and Gold membership - more tailored support

 

For the cost of just a few coffees a month, you can now get direct access to world class limerence support which includes direct access to one of the most knowledgeable therapists on the subject.  I will hold your hand as you take your early steps through limerence recovery. I have walked a similar path and can relate to the turmoil in the early days.

Silver membership gives access to all the limerence.net forums.  I only spend my time in these forums so if you want my input you will need to join up.

As a Silver member, you will also receive membership to the limernece.net private facebook groups. The men’s group is moderated by myself and the Women’s group by Ruth. 

Gold membership gives you all the benefits of silver and you can also join the exclusive fortnightly 90 minute zoom webinars where I and/or Ruth host a topic and have time for questions and answers. Members can join anonymously and can just listen and ask questions using the chat facility of zoom.

Membership is on a monthly basis and can be cancelled at any time.

Please note it can take upto 24 hours to grant you access to the silver member forums., although it is usually much quicker and in many cases immediate.  At the moment we cannot automate the process and have to manually add you to the silver forums.  Please do not change your username, we will ask for this in the confirmation email of your subscription as it will be required to add your forum privileges. 

For those wanting the best limerence support available

If resources are not an issue, than you may be interested in joining our Platinum  membership program for individuals or our Premiere membership program for couples.

This is for those individuals and couples that really are looking for the best of the best input and support and the absolute best chance of affair recovery.

With Platinum membership  for individuals you will receive direct private one to one sessions from either myself or Ruth.  These can be in person or via Zoom.

With Premiere membership for couples  you will receive joint couple’s sessions with both myself and Ruth.  We only work as a couple with couples.  In addition, both halves of the relationship will receive individual one on one sessions from myself with one half and Ruth with the other half.  We also add fly on the wall cameras in your common living areas to truly see the communication dynamics in your relationship. There is no hiding and no lying!

We also work with clients from our dedicated therapy centre. We are based just north of London in the UK.  Click here for our contact details.

All members receive  ongoing support between sessions via email and Voxer voice communication.  And use of our coaching monitoring portal to monitor and keep track of your progress.

Plus complimentary access to the online video training series with early access to new content.

We work only 3 days a week and have a busy practice and we only work with a select number of clients.

If you are interested in understanding more on how we work and to see if this could be a good fit for you, we recommend booking an initial exploratory session with either myself or Ruth. The link is here.

We also work as a couple with couples through our LoveRelations practice.  The link here will take you to the booking page for a couple’s exploratory with both of us.