Could both people have limerence?

[hurting heart]

I've been married 25 yrs. The man I am talking to and sometimes seeing in person has been married for 27 years. I have know him for a bout 20 years and known his wife even longer. We have many mutual friends. I will say I never considered her a "friend" I didnt really care for her personality, its a bit strong. I have always thought he was funny and easy going though. I have been in a difficult marriage for about 10-12 years and he is in a similar situation. Both of us are not having our needs met within our marriages. We are crazy about each other. We have not discussed where this is going to go. I just wonder is it possible we are each other limerence? I do think about him constantly and the attraction is strong for us both. I should add that I did have a limerence in the past about 4 years ago. That person led me to believe there was some interest when in fact there was not. He liked playing games.He was 45 and had never married but I did make him in my mind, to be someone much better than he was.This new man however is so kind and sweet and just wants to be loved.... just like me. Is this even limerence? Can 2 people be in limerence with each other? Could it truly be that we are falling for each other? That's how it feels but I'm apprehensive because of that past limerence. If it matters He is 47 and I am 46. Our children spent time together growing up, so this is complicated.

[David]

yes there can be mutual limerence. For sure its complicated and enmeshed. Better you go in to therapy to look at why you have not spoken with your husband about the marital issues. And if you have, why you are not leaving the marriage before pursuing a new relationship.

Pursuing an affair will be like pushing the nuclear destruct button - it never never never ends well - many people will get hurt.
Sorry to be love's executioner.

[hurting heart]

I am going into therapy in a few weeks. I have talked with my husband repeatedly. He has an autoimmune disease and says he is doing all he can do and that he has nothing left in him to do more. I am the sole supporter. I explain it as he "checked out" a long time ago. I have a room mate not a husband. As for why I haven't left. Religious reasons have kept both myself and the other man from leaving....even more complicated. This man fulfills the things I am needing and I am getting to the point where I am thinking of leaving. Our children are grown and I'm just not sure I want to continue to live like I have been. With that said the limerence or other man whatever you want to call him and I have not discussed any of this about leaving mates or anything, not yet anyway. We both know abt each others issues with our mates but no plans have been discussed or made. I just think its odd when you get a huge hug from someone and you tell them "I never get hugs like that" and they say they dont either that things are not good with the marriage. Thats as far as things have gone physically...so far.

[David]

these situations are never easy.

best advise my own therapist gave me many years ago was never leave a relationship for another person because we take ourselves with us. Better we do our own work first before seeking a new relationship. Trouble is once we have limerence, our emotions cloud and warp our judgement.

I spend 50% of my working life helping couples with affair recovery -so my message of doom and gloom is based on real world experience.

[L-F]

Yikes what a complicated situation.

IMO two can be limerent but highly unlike unless the other person has told you they are limerent. Limerence is in the head so impossible to see. Think of it like depression, someone can show signs of depression but not necessarily be depressed. Only they could tell you if they were.

Something I tell people who think the other person is into them is to discuss a long-term committed relationship, such as moving in together. Then and only then will you see their true colors. Men especially will say anything to get sex but don't necessarily want strings attached. Talk of commitment will separate those wanting sex and those wanting a relationship.

All the best!

[David]

Men especially will say anything to get sex but don't necessarily want strings attached.

100% -

[hurting heart]

Interesting points. We are not to the point were we would discuss any kind of commitment. There has been no sex and I think in order to possibly be able to do that I would have to have a commitment discussion. I suppose then I would know for sure if there is something there for real or just sex. Having known him a long time and us both being in long term relationships, I don't know if I think it would be a "just sex" thing with him.

[L-F]

I don't know if I think it would be a "just sex" thing with him.

Exactly, you won't know unless you discuss the topic with him. If he says no to sex but is still flirty, then he is telling you what you want to hear until you let your guard down. If he says no to commitment then sex will be off the table unless you are both planning on having an affair behind your SOs backs, in which case I will double up on what David said

Pursuing an affair will be like pushing the nuclear destruct button - it never never never ends well - many people will get hurt.

[L-F]

IMO two can be limerent but highly unlike unless the other person has told you they are limerent. Limerence is in the head so impossible to see. Think of it like depression, someone can show signs of depression but not necessarily be depressed. Only they could tell you if they were.

Was thinking about this and my theory/thought is that limerence is on a spectrum like depression, from:
A little down/the blues to clinical depression.
Lust/infatuation to limerence.

So in terms of both being limerent, well that would be as rare as a clinically depressed person partnered with a clinically depressed person. Im sure the partner of a clincally depressed person feels pulled down at times, much like a person would feel glimmers towards a limerent.

But then I'm not a doctor and these things would need to be researched. My bet is this subject boils down to "could be's", as in it could be this for this group of people or that for that group of people.

[hurting heart]

I'm just very confused. Like I am not making up this fantasy about him. I see some of his flaws. I don't have this fairy tale life I think I'd have with him.I know the beginning would be TERRIBLY hard dealing with the fall out of what we may or may not end up doing. So does that fall into the category of limerence? OR is this just someone I've found later in life that I care about I click with and I want them to know they are valued and important and cared about? And someone who does the same for me? He isn't perfect I know that. I'm just trying to weigh what to do. My first inclination of course is go for it. When do I get to be happy if not now? I know that sounds selfish but I have raised my children and lived in a pretty much loveless marriage for many years. I have discussed this with my husband and told him I feel like I have a roommate....that I provide for. His reply was he is too tired and worn out to give me more and that I should go to therapy to save our marriage. That seems a little unfair to me but I said I would...at least then I can say I tried on my side. I'm just so torn by what my heart says to do, what my logic says to do, and what I WANT to do.