Help - has my ex partner a limerence to his new partner?

[Shinysebs]

Hi everyone,
I have one question about my situation and maybe you have a kind of an answer. I have read a lot about limerence now. May I ask you a question about my situation? The following background. I had a partner for over 2 years. The relationship was at an extremely high level of feelings and love. My partner was previously in a very bad marriage before over 17 years. Her work partner told her after 10 years that he had always been in love with her. She then fell into a 1.5 year long heartbreak and depression because no one could say goodbye to their marriage. (I think she had some kind of limerence). Then she got divorced and 1 year later we got together. Now her work partner from the past then has also left his marriage and they met by chance. A day later she broke up with me because she says it's the love of her life and they are very connected and she has to take that option. I have no doubt that she loved me just as much as I did. But I believe that she left me because of her continuing dependence on her work partner. Is it possible or likely that her dependence or love for him can develop into a real love because of their history. Or do you think it's difficult for them to build something up because of the limerence part of her.

Thank you in advance for your help.
Best regards Sebastian.

[L-F]

Hi Sebastian
I've read and re-read your post. I'm not really sure what to say in this situation other than welcome to the forum!

I would like to know what you hope to gain from a better understanding of her situation though. Is it that you are holding out hope of getting back with her? Or is it that you want to avoid a future limerence-prone partner?

[Shinysebs]

Hi and thanks for your reply.
Yes, that is exactly the question. The one I ask myself too. I just want to understand her side. I think she developed an "addiction" to her work partner because they never had a chance to explore their "love". Because she also had 1.5 years of heartbreak and I don't think she ever got over it and got stuck in her bad marriage.
We both had the love for each other to get married. And then she leaves me right after meeting him again. I really just want to understand if it can be some kind of limerence with her and maybe she is mistaking it for love. And of course I hope that it might not last. We are on good terms. With a lot of love. It's not gone on either side. At least she says it broke her heart to make this decision. But in the end she made the decision. She knows that going into this relationship is a higher risk and that she had doubts. But her work partner and she have had the same connection for over 15 years. They developed this while working. It's just that no one would have spoken of their love. She also thought about what would happen if it didn't work out and whether she would come back to me.

[Significant other]

Hello, I think you should thank your (Ex)girlfriend for showing herself as she is before the engagement.
I don't think it matters if it's limerence, fear of commitment, etc... etc... in any case it's her problem.
Break the relationship and forget about it.
There can be no trust.

[Shinysebs]

Yes, that's how I think too. I've already processed it all. I want to understand what's behind it psychologically. Also in terms of limerence or addiction. That would make it a little easier. I know there's nothing I can do to change the situation.

[Shinysebs]

But her love wasn’t fake. That’s why I want to understand what could it be, why she did this. I think, this is not normal. There must be a kind of addiction or limerence.

[Significant other]

Narcissism.

[L-F]

Hello, I think you should thank your (Ex)girlfriend for showing herself as she is before the engagement.
I don't think it matters if it's limerence, fear of commitment, etc... etc... in any case it's her problem.
Break the relationship and forget about it.
There can be no trust.

Hey SO, how's your relationship going? Are you still with your ex-limerent SO? I'm wondering if Sebs posts are triggering which made me reflect on your situation (which I'm a bit rusty on). I hope all is going well. I'm also wondering about your statement "There can be no trust".

Hey Seb, from a psychological point of view, it's too difficult to diagnose (so to speak) or unpack your SO's behavior. We would have to know more from her side of things. On the surface it looks like limerence, but, the biggest question is, was she pained by obsessive intrusive thoughts relating to her co-worker?

As for the relationship dynamics, I'm still a little confused. She was married 17 years and when they broke up, you two got together a year later? Which to me is far too soon but that's none of my business. And have you been together for 2 years and then she left you for her coworker that she fell in love with over 10 years ago while married but neither could pursue the relationship? Is that correct?

I am assuming you want to wait it out for her to come to her senses and come running back to you? If so, my first reaction is to question your role in all of this.

I understand its painful to lose someone when deeply in love with them. Could you be limerent towards her?

[Shinysebs]

Hi, thanks for the answer.
Yes for me it looks like limerence also. But not sure.

A quick background. She has worked with her co-worker for over 15 years. She said that there was always a click. But she wasn't aware that he was in love with her. After 10 years of working together, her colleague confessed his love for her and she realized that she was in love with him too. But she was still in an unhappy marriage. She was stuck there. After that, she fell into a 1.5 year long heartbreak with depression because she couldn't live out this "love". The way it looks now, she never got over it and the addiction remained.

She left her husband one year later and came to live with me. We were together for 2 years. Then one evening she happened to meet her work colleague and it all came up again. The next day she broke up with me and said that she had to take this option. Our love and relationship was at a very high level. That's why I don't understand why she's now taking the risk of trying again. My question is, how sustainable is a relationship based on "limerence"?

To her. She is an overthinker and was not self-confident back then. I gave her all that back. Showed her how it is to be loved. She told me If it wouldn’t be him that this would never happend. She said that they have had the connection we have for 15 years. And they have to try. They know everything about them through work and told each other everything. Like best buddies. It's a very high level of trust, she said.
Yes, I've also thought about the fact that I have limerence with her. We were very close. I didn't see it coming. It’s only 2 weeks ago. And thought it was bigger. I just want to understand her behavior behind it. We quit with so much love to eachother. The last evening (goodbye evening) was the best we ever had in our life’s. So a Perfect match on every level. And she felt the same. But left anyway.

[Shinysebs]

And I believe everything what she said to me about us. We were always honest to eachother dosn’t matter how hard it was.