Help - has my ex partner a limerence to his new partner?

[Shinysebs]

Hi L-F,
What exactly do you mean with „pained by obsessive intrusive thoughts relating to her co-worker“ ? I think she had obsessive thoughts about him and the situation in this 1,5 years of heartbreak.

[L-F]

Hi L-F,
What exactly do you mean with „pained by obsessive intrusive thoughts relating to her co-worker“ ? I think she had obsessive thoughts about him and the situation in this 1,5 years of heartbreak.

That's what limerence is. Obsessive intrusive thoughts regarding someone you are attracted to. There isn't a limerent who wants to be limerent that I'm aware of. Being limerent is akin to living in hell, so to speak.

[L-F]

It's possible she was limerent towards her co-worker, it's possible she is limerent now (while with him). I think I read somewhere David saying all affairs start with limerence?

[Shinysebs]

Hi L-F,
Thank you very much.

What are the experiences of how sustainable such connections are. Who might confuse limerence with love? I have read about both sides. One that it's not sustainable and one that it might also work
I still believe that if you leave a very good, high level relationship so quickly, there must be another reason. Such as addiction or limerence.
And ja she told me that the 1,5 years was hell for her.

[L-F]

Do you constantly think about her? Do you feel limerent towards her? If so, how are you going to resolve the issue?

Who might confuse limerence with love?

Anyone with unresolved childhood trauma, because this is where they learned what dysfunctional love is.

I can't say if her current relationship is sustainable. If they are codependent then they will both be needy and probably stay together for quite some time. It's difficult to tell.

I do know it is a painful time losing a loved one to another person. Have you given yourself time to grieve this loss?
Are you still on talking terms with her? Could you have discussions with her about closure or about staying in her life as a friend?

If you really really love her I'm sure you'll want the best for her.

All the best to you while you navigate things.

[Significant other]

Hello, I think you should thank your (Ex)girlfriend for showing herself as she is before the engagement.
I don't think it matters if it's limerence, fear of commitment, etc... etc... in any case it's her problem.
Break the relationship and forget about it.
There can be no trust.

Hey SO, how's your relationship going? Are you still with your ex-limerent SO? I'm wondering if Sebs posts are triggering which made me reflect on your situation (which I'm a bit rusty on). I hope all is going well. I'm also wondering about your statement "There can be no trust".

Hello L-F, possibly I am projecting.
But I read between the lines of Shinysebs' hopes of recovering their relationship.
Shinysebs wrote (2/15/24;13:28 pm): "...She also thought about what would happen if it didn't work out and whether she would come back to me."
It really sounds like narcissistic manipulation or codependency.

[L-F]

Hello L-F, possibly I am projecting.

How did things turn out for you? From memory all was resolved and you both moved forward together ?

But I read between the lines of Shinysebs' hopes of recovering their relationship.

100% I too believe he wants to rekindle things. But then, how much of that is his limerence/heartbreak/ego?

It really sounds like narcissistic manipulation or codependency.

It does doesn't it? Going back to the projecting concept, did you view your partner as a narcissist, and if so, how did you overcome this? Or did you call it quits and still view them as a narcissist?
As for whether Seb's ex is a narcissist, who knows (I don't). All I see is a woman desperately clinging to the notion a man can save her.

[Shinysebs]

Do you constantly think about her? Do you feel limerent towards her? If so, how are you going to resolve the issue?

Hi L-F
Thanks for your reply.
Yes I can't stop thinking about her. It's like a blockage in my head. It's not physical but purely psychological and it annoys me. I don't know how to release this blockage or get away from the thoughts. It works reasonably well in the afternoon and evenings, but in the morning it's quite bad.
And I don't even know why it's like that. It could also be a bit of an ego problem. I have to be honest with myself about that

Are there any tips here?
It's only been 2 weeks and the fact that it's a different man doesn't really make it any better.

If you really really love her I'm sure you'll want the best for her.

I told her that also, and of course I want to see her happy, although it’s hard that it’s not me to make her happy.

[Shinysebs]

She also thought about what would happen if it didn't work out and whether she would come back to me."

And I know her very well. Of course she's not sure if it's the right decision and I bet she has doubts about giving up what she had. Because we quit not because of not loving eachother.
She is an over-thinker and not always confident. But she has learned to always be very honest with her and do what she thinks might be better for her. That's why she wants to try this option because of her past with him.

And I think that when some time has passed and the daily routine of a divorce relationship sets in with all the difficulties with children and the new partners of their ex-partners, that she will compare.

And she processes it more with herself and doesn't talk about it much with friends. I think it's to protect herself and her decision. So she's trying to be very rational even though that's not her nature.

[L-F]

My only concern is that it's too soon to delve into what limerence is. Give yourself time to heal from standard heartbreak which is to be expected.

Something to think about that requires radical honesty, reflection & introspection:
What percentage of pain is a bruised ego and/or pride? And how much is true love? Also, look at male psychology (hoping David jumps in here lol), of 'competition' and that prey drive men have from caveman days of needing to be the one to procreate (which I think is a load of bull but I'm not a man so I won't argue it).

I can understand wanting to investigate her limerent mind, which is something I would do to try and make sense of the separation, however, you have your answer when she said it's something that she has to try given her past with him.

I can also see you wanting to cling to anything that will help ease the pain and/or give you hope that she will see the light and return. Either way Seb, you gotta look after yourself and put your self-care needs first.

Do you have good support around you? Does your culture allow men to cry? How are you feeling about the separation?
David often talks about men's support groups which I think is worldwide. You could always ask him more about it if interested in finding a support network.

I can see it's a painful time for you (it would be for me). I wish you the very best.