Help, 25 years of limerence

[Angel4545]

Hi there everybody, I am new to this forum, just recently found out that this ”problem” I have has a name.
I am a woman in my 40,s, and for all of my adult life I have had a man contacting me every other day, for the last 25 years. So I am the LO so to speak. And it is not fun at all, I tell you.
In the beginning we where class mates, both 20 years old at the time. I thought we where friends, but he reached out a little more than the regular people I hung out with. We were not close at all, just class mates.
But ever since then, he has contacted me om a regular basis, he never married , never got a girl friend or kids.

I married and got children, but he still tried to reach out to me every now and then. He was always friendly so I couldnt get a protection order or anything lika that. And I didnt have it in my heart to be mean to him cause I felt sorry for him in some crazy kind of way. He says we are soul mates and so on, and that he always knew this.

I told him no soooo many times but he still continued. It took a toll on my marriage so after 20 years of this, my husband couldnt take it no longer.

And now after my divorce things has kind of escalated. It was always a mystery to me how a person can have a crush on someone that lasts for so long, several decades in my case. So I googled and found this ”Diagnosis” of limerence.

What do you think about my case? Is limerence the problem here? And most important: what can I di to make his limerence go away or fade or someting.

From what I can read from this forum I have been acting wrong all along, I should have been more direct and I should have never answered to his calls, right? But I didnt know back then what to do and I didnt want to he inpolite since he always is very kind to me.

What do you all think your LO could have done to make things easier for you to get over your limerence.
I am really in a bad place right now, please help me. This is ruining my life and my relationships.

[L-F]

This may come across as sounding blunt and I don't want to put you off posting as others might have a different view...

I didnt want to he inpolite since he always is very kind to me.

^^^ perhaps focus on how to stop 'people-pleasing' behavior?
You can't do anything to change his behavior or mindset, but you can change yours, and changing yours will have a natural knock-on effect which will lead to him changing his.

Welcome to the forum!

[L-F]

Limerence is difficult for both sides, I can empathize with you. I'm glad you're sharing your experience as it may help others.

[Angel4545]

This may come across as sounding blunt and I don't want to put you off posting as others might have a different view...

I didnt want to he inpolite since he always is very kind to me.

^^^ perhaps focus on how to stop 'people-pleasing' behavior?
You can't do anything to change his behavior or mindset, but you can change yours, and changing yours will have a natural knock-on effect which will lead to him changing his.

Welcome to the forum!

Thank you for the welcome. And of course you are right, but I am afraid it is too late to future now, whats said and done is done unfortunately. I didn t know better and still to this day I find it very difficult to be mean or arrogant( cant find the right words english is not my native language). Especially not to people who says I am a wonderful person and give a lot of compliments. It feels very rude to cut them off in those situations. But of course I will fight my people pleaser habit in the future for sure.

[Angel4545]

And I also forgot to mention, one of the main reasons why I just cant cut contact and go NC with him, is that I really feel quite guilty. Why ? Well it is I believe because of me he never got into another relationship and didnt have children. It is a very heavy burden to bear.

Maybe it is not because of me he didnt get a family of his own , but to me it still feels like it.

[L-F]

And I also forgot to mention, one of the main reasons why I just cant cut contact and go NC with him, is that I really feel quite guilty. Why ? Well it is I believe because of me he never got into another relationship and didnt have children. It is a very heavy burden to bear.

Maybe it is not because of me he didnt get a family of his own , but to me it still feels like it.

That must feel like a very heavy burden to bear. I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm going to share the following for the general reader, which you may find helpful.
Those who are obsessed with people need to learn healthy boundaries. Both sides could use lessons in creating and maintaining healthy boundaries.

This boundary setting is for the benefit of the person suffering (whether you are an LO or LS). Let's talk narcissism here for a moment. Or better yet, an emotional vampire - someone you feel emotionally drained by. That could be a work colleague, friend, family member, or anyone who leaves you feeling flat (drained of energy) after spending time with them. You may bump into them at a work conference or party, or they drop by for a visit. The point being, you end up feeling worse than you did before seeing them. The only thing that will save your sanity and energy is healthy boundaries. Learning to say something polite and excusing yourself, or learning to say no. No one needs to be rude in these situations. I see you have a fear of being perceived as rude or offensive. What if I were to tell you you could be viewed as being calm, confident, and in control when you use healthy boundaries?

The thing is, you never know how you will be perceived unless the other person directly tells you. So, healthy boundary setting has nothing to do with being rude or not friendly, it's quite the opposite. People with healthy boundaries can make others feel good about themselves all the while maintaining self-respect and making themselves feel good too.

Oh, and don't worry about your English. I find it perfectly fine - it's easy for me to read and understand. I'm sure others find it good too.

[Angel4545]

And I also forgot to mention, one of the main reasons why I just cant cut contact and go NC with him, is that I really feel quite guilty. Why ? Well it is I believe because of me he never got into another relationship and didnt have children. It is a very heavy burden to bear.

Maybe it is not because of me he didnt get a family of his own , but to me it still feels like it.

That must feel like a very heavy burden to bear. I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm going to share the following for the general reader, which you may find helpful.
Those who are obsessed with people need to learn healthy boundaries. Both sides could use lessons in creating and maintaining healthy boundaries.

This boundary setting is for the benefit of the person suffering (whether you are an LO or LS). Let's talk narcissism here for a moment. Or better yet, an emotional vampire - someone you feel emotionally drained by. That could be a work colleague, friend, family member, or anyone who leaves you feeling flat (drained of energy) after spending time with them. You may bump into them at a work conference or party, or they drop by for a visit. The point being, you end up feeling worse than you did before seeing them. The only thing that will save your sanity and energy is healthy boundaries. Learning to say something polite and excusing yourself, or learning to say no. No one needs to be rude in these situations. I see you have a fear of being perceived as rude or offensive. What if I were to tell you you could be viewed as being calm, confident, and in control when you use healthy boundaries?

The thing is, you never know how you will be perceived unless the other person directly tells you. So, healthy boundary setting has nothing to do with being rude or not friendly, it's quite the opposite. People with healthy boundaries can make others feel good about themselves all the while maintaining self-respect and making themselves feel good too.

Oh, and don't worry about your English. I find it perfectly fine - it's easy for me to read and understand. I'm sure others find it good too.

Thank you for your very helpful response about boundaries.You absolutely nailed it, since I was a child I have had problems with settingthe right boundaries not only towards men but also friends and family. And now as a motherI tend to be too allowing towards my children. I was the kind mother and my ex husband was the strict parent who taught them how to behave. I admit that is my weekness. I guess it is because I Will do anything to be liked, and unfortunately that have had catastophical consequenses for this man.
If you turn it around a little, I have been selfish in my need to be liked by everyone. I totally understand that now.
How ever this is to late to change now, I want to know how to best proceed from now on. Things have escalated.

It is embarrising but I really dont know what a healthy boundarie is? For example of he calls tomorrow and asks whats up?
What do I answer? What is normal boundaries setting so to speak? Normally I would answer something like, I good, Nice to hear from you, how have you been?

On the other side I imagine I can answer with Dont ever call again, but I feel this to be very rude.

What would be normal boundarie in this situation? Something in between?

And also how do I go with social media, Facebook etc? Do I block him? And what if I do this, wouldnt this be a kind of”mixed signal” if I still answered the phone calls . From what I have been reading here, givning mixed signals is something to really avoid.

[L-F]

From what I have been reading here, givning mixed signals is something to really avoid.

Mixed signals is possibly the biggest trigger for those prone to falling limerent, becoming hooked (obsessed with a person).

We call LO - limerent OBJECT. It's not you he fell for, it would be the compliments (or whatever he is chasing). He could be subconsciously chasing recognition, or feeling like he is worthy of your time, or... ??? There are a lot of reasons people fall limerent. Because I don't know you or your relationship with him, I will assume you paid him attention. Perhaps growing up he lacked this and the attention you gave provided him with a sense of euphoria or dopamine hit. Again, I don't know what he was lacking/chasing.

In short, LO's must stop all mixed signals. I am pleased you understand your role in his limerence. That is very mature and courageous of you to admit to, that you possibly sent mixed signals. On the flipside, you must put yourself first if his limerence is causing you distress.

Regarding what to say to him, the only thing I would do is examine exactly what I want & need in order to know what to say to someone limerent for me. I need to know what behavior I'm okay with and what behavior I will not tolerate.

Are you able to elaborate on how you met and how he managed to stay in your life for so long?

It's nice to have you here sharing what it is like being the LO.

Regarding social media, is he on your friend list? Let's assume he is. If it were me, I would change my audience to exclude him from seeing future posts and unfollow him (not unfriend him). If he wasn't on my friend list I would lock down my profile so he couldn't see anything. I would not respond to his posts in any shape or form.

I have a friend who annoyingly posts all the time about herself, so I unfollowed her to avoid her posts, and also made a specific friend list for all my posts. As far as she is concerned she thinks I don't post anything and I don't see anything she posts in my newsfeed.

I hope others chip in as they may have different views or ways of coping.

[Angel4545]

From what I have been reading here, givning mixed signals is something to really avoid.

Mixed signals is possibly the biggest trigger for those prone to falling limerent, becoming hooked (obsessed with a person).

We call LO - limerent OBJECT. It's not you he fell for, it would be the compliments (or whatever he is chasing). He could be subconsciously chasing recognition, or feeling like he is worthy of your time, or... ??? There are a lot of reasons people fall limerent. Because I don't know you or your relationship with him, I will assume you paid him attention. Perhaps growing up he lacked this and the attention you gave provided him with a sense of euphoria or dopamine hit. Again, I don't know what he was lacking/chasing.

In short, LO's must stop all mixed signals. I am pleased you understand your role in his limerence. That is very mature and courageous of you to admit to, that you possibly sent mixed signals. On the flipside, you must put yourself first if his limerence is causing you distress.

Regarding what to say to him, the only thing I would do is examine exactly what I want & need in order to know what to say to someone limerent for me. I need to know what behavior I'm okay with and what behavior I will not tolerate.

Are you able to elaborate on how you met and how he managed to stay in your life for so long?

It's nice to have you here sharing what it is like being the LO.

Regarding social media, is he on your friend list? Let's assume he is. If it were me, I would change my audience to exclude him from seeing future posts and unfollow him (not unfriend him). If he wasn't on my friend list I would lock down my profile so he couldn't see anything. I would not respond to his posts in any shape or form.

I have a friend who annoyingly posts all the time about herself, so I unfollowed her to avoid her posts, and also made a specific friend list for all my posts. As far as she is concerned she thinks I don't post anything and I don't see anything she posts in my newsfeed.

I hope others chip in as they may have different views or ways of coping.

How we met was very random, we had one class together for about 4 month 25 years ago. I was 20 years old. Then we had nothing with each other to do when class was over. We didnt really talk that much even when we had class together as I remember. I was living with another man by this time.
But then he started to call. This was in the 90-s before social media and smart phones. He came to my house also and wanted to talk. Always kind and friendly, never angry or aggressive. That is why I am against using the word stalker, because that word brings the thoughts to some vicious evil, vengeful person, and he really is not. He just has had the bad luck to be caught up in this obsessive thinking. The same way you can’t be angry at an OCD person or one with Tourettes syndrome when they say bad words. They just cant help it. It is not a choice for them.
I have never been afraid at all for this person, he is not threatening at all,only kind.

I am 100% sure that he also dont want this to continue. If he had a button he could push to get rid of this, I am sure he would do that. Both of us want this to go away. It is a very strange and scary ”disease”. And almost impossible to get rid of it seems. I cant believe it still is so stong after so many years.

For me personally, it hasnt been all that bad all the time for this 25 years. When I was married he only reached out maybe once every other month or so. It wasnt to much that I couldnt handle it I thought. It was not so annoying to me, more so for my husband, since he was a little jealous.
But now recently after my diverse it has escalated and now it is really bad I must say. For both him and me I guess.

[L-F]

Wow Angel, that's a fascinating history with him.
Have a look around the forum at other stories and you might find something similar. It sounds like he cherished your friendship. Could you be viewing it as an obsession instead of friendship? What makes you think it's limerence?

I'd love to hear more if you feel up to sharing.