Help, 25 years of limerence

[Angel4545]

Wow Angel, that's a fascinating history with him.
Have a look around the forum at other stories and you might find something similar. It sounds like he cherished your friendship. Could you be viewing it as an obsession instead of friendship? What makes you think it's limerence?

I'd love to hear more if you feel up to sharing.

Tank you, I am reading and learning everything about this. I can definititely relate to the feeling described by the members here, somewhat. Not everything of course, but as everybody else I have had crushes on people before, the one thing I really can’t relate to is the anxuiosness and agony part of it. To me my crushes have for most part been about happiness fun and joy. Not this extreme type of addiction and obsession, that is described here. And not for so long periods of time. Of course I have been in love unhappily with people that didnt reciprocated my feelings but it didnt cause me that much agony and pain.

What makes me think he is limirent? Well he had written many letters over the years where he describes his feelings. I have always believed it was a super crush or something but that it would go away when I didnt return the feelings. But the years went by and it
didnt go away so I thought to myself, wow this really was a hell of a crush.

And it was his descriprion of the feelings of this urge to reach out and the agony of not doing so in respect of my marriage, even If he wanted to so bad. And the description of me as a perfect woman (believe me I am somewhat old, and not even good looking). So the blindness to my very obvious flaws I guess is what ked me to this conclusion.

[L-F]

Interesting!
You mentioned that you think he wants his obsession to end...

I am 100% sure that he also dont want this to continue. If he had a button he could push to get rid of this, I am sure he would do that. Both of us want this to go away. It is a very strange and scary ”disease”. And almost impossible to get rid of it seems. I cant believe it still is so stong after so many years.

All I can say is, he will have many months of heavy lifting (inner work) to do before it ends. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do other than support him. Is this topic something you can discuss together? Could you refer him to these forums?
As for supporting him, and if he was open to looking into the subject of limerence, I would ask him what he needed from me. Could it be no contact? Or being able to talk about it?

Keep in mind your unconscious people-pleasing drivers, and the possibility of wanting to rescue him.
I would relish the feeling of heroism that rescuing someone brings.

So there are two lines of thought.
1. Supporting him
2. Doing your own heavy lifting (inner work)

Are you able to share what you did to encourage his limerence? What words, body language, signs, etc?

And, you do know that limerence is his problem, as in, it most likely relates to unresolved childhood trauma.

There's a saying of David's that sick attracts sick. This means those with unresolved childhood trauma are attracted to those with unresolved childhood trauma.

At the end of the day, your story is unique to you and only you can find the answers for yourself. The same will go for him.

I admire your strength and ability to be open when it comes to discussing this "disease" (so you speak). I also want to point out that one can overcome limerence when one spends time diving deep into old thought patterns and learned behavior.

All the best Angel!

[Daydreaming]

You definitely bear a significant amount of blame for the end of your marriage.
You could have been direct, completely cutting off contact with this man when you realized that the situation was damaging your marriage, but you preferred to continue to hope, because perhaps deep down you wanted to have someone dependent on your attention.

This may be hard to hear, but you allowed the situation to get where it is. From his report, it is not possible to determine that this man is an individual with Limerence, perhaps it is just obsession or need.

You mentioned getting a restraining order, but I don't know how any judiciary would grant you something like that if you at no point tried to cut off contact with this man. He also does not appear to have used any means to circumvent an attempt to block contact or even stalk you, you have always allowed this communication to continue.

[L-F]

Just pointing out to the general reader that "childhood trauma" doesn't necessarily involve parents being the cause of the trauma. I think there is this misconception that parents are ultimately to blame. Not so. In my opinion, all it means is that something happened to a person who was not yet emotionally equipped to deal with it. It makes complete sense when trauma, grief, and loss surround us from birth to death, yet the brain isn't mature enough to cope until our early 20s. So in this sense, who hasn't suffered trauma, even if it happened generations ago?

[Angel4545]

You definitely bear a significant amount of blame for the end of your marriage.
You could have been direct, completely cutting off contact with this man when you realized that the situation was damaging your marriage, but you preferred to continue to hope, because perhaps deep down you wanted to have someone dependent on your attention.

This may be hard to hear, but you allowed the situation to get where it is. From his report, it is not possible to determine that this man is an individual with Limerence, perhaps it is just obsession or need.

You mentioned getting a restraining order, but I don't know how any judiciary would grant you something like that if you at no point tried to cut off contact with this man. He also does not appear to have used any means to circumvent an attempt to block contact or even stalk you, you have always allowed this communication to continue.

I absolutely agree, about my marriage, I did not take this seriously enough at the time. I must mention also that during my marriage, this man really tried very hard not to contact me so much, it was only when something very eventful and revolutionary happened in his life, he couldnt resist reaching out to tell me. Maybe 1-3 times per month or so.
Me personally have been in no contact for 25 years, since I never reached out to him even once. I only replied to his phone calls, and that is because I believe that ghosting him would not help at all. Of course I did not write him letters back.
We do not live in US, we live in Europe and in our country, we do not hav your restraning or protection orders. In our country the person must have been convicted for violence against you and also there must be a physical threat to you from the person. Only then you can get a form of protection order, it is called,” contact protection,” which means the person can go to prison If they contact you. But they must have been convicted of violence against you first. Obviosly this is not the case here. This man is not violent nor a threat. He doesnt threat men in any way.

[Angel4545]

Just pointing out to the general reader that "childhood trauma" doesn't necessarily involve parents being the cause of the trauma. I think there is this misconception that parents are ultimately to blame. Not so. In my opinion, all it means is that something happened to a person who was not yet emotionally equipped to deal with it. It makes complete sense when trauma, grief, and loss surround us from birth to death, yet the brain isn't mature enough to cope until our early 20s. So in this sense, who hasn't suffered trauma, even if it happened generations ago?

So do you believe that it always has to be some form of trauma in the past, parental or others like bullied in school or something, in order for you to develope this kind of obsession. Dont you think it can happen to everyone If only all the right circumstances all appear at the same time?

[L-F]

Dont you think it can happen to everyone If only all the right circumstances all appear at the same time?

Are you suggesting it could be something written in the stars?

In majority (not all) of the cases trauma is involved, which leads to a lack of self-esteem, self-worth, self-belief, etc. Something happened to the psyche that forced it to freeze and go into protection mode - causing that person to use a defense mechanism such as humor, charm, or any behavior that deflects or ignores the issue instead of addressing it head-on in an emotionally mature way. But, it is not the child's (hence the wording 'childhood trauma') fault given their level of maturity to meet the issue head-on. Anyone can be traumatized at any age from any event and it's not always evident or obvious since we are talking about the psyche and not the body. If we could physically see mental health issues then there would be a lot more empathy and understanding for those who suffer rather than a "just snap out of it" mentality.

Rather than focus on the word "trauma", I will pose a question or two...
What makes you do what you do?
What makes you believe what you think?
What makes you you?
What makes you behave the way you do?

Behind our actions is a reason. It's finding the 'reason' behind the limerence. Could it be a need for validation? To be seen & heard? Understood? (think of the defense mechanism as being an energy block to what we really wanted to say in any traumatic situation we had no words for).
A lot of the time, it takes a wounded soul to understand a wounded soul on a subconscious level.

But, I must say, this could sound woo-woo to you and that's perfectly fine. Hence why I said you are unique and must find your own answer. The same would go for your LO. Don't take my word as gospel, you will need to research different views and find the path/theory that resonates best, for you as an individual.

I do love your curiosity and courage given you are the LO. It can be scary being the LO and I'm glad you feel safe and in a good space to do what you can to better understand his behavior. And even though the LO plays a part in feeding limerence to keep it alive, I can see you are doing your best to not be the person who destroys his sense of self & soul. You are a very caring person. Having said that, he will need to do his own research in order to help his limerent mind.

[Angel4545]

Hi everybody, Thanks for the repats I really appreciate your concern.

Since last time I wrote things have happened. This man has escalated his attempts to contact me, to the point where I had to block him unfortunately. I never thaught it would come to this. But I think this will help both him and me. In the long run.

And I have been taken some therapie sessions, since I am fully aware that it is most likely my own behaviuor that is causing much of this.

You see, I have been doing some introspection these last couple of months. And realised that it has been a pattern in my life that when I meet someone and like to persue a relationship of some kind, both romantic and friendship, very often I have to back of, because the other person starts to behave kind of strange after a while. They became nervous, acting anxious and they often starts to exibhit mood swings that I think is out of proportion. And they start to behave possessive to the point where I back of, and their behaviour become even more clingy. For these pepole they after a while have been able to let go and move on, but not this man I was talking about. But it has been a reoccuring pattern in my life, when I make new aquintaces.

And since I really want a new relationship to work it is important for me not to trigger this begaviour in the other person, because it is impossible to have a real relationship with someone that behaves so strangely and possessive.

I realise that I am the common denominator. And whith help from my therapist I come to find out that, I have a very distingtive pattern of giving mixed signals to people. And that probably confuses them.
Together with the therapist I pinpointed especially my texting and telephone habits. I have a fear of telephone calls, which is why I call people very randomly. And I want people to like me, which is why I often give people a lot of compliments. But then I get afraid that they misinterpreted this, and I pull back.
This is my biggest problem and I am now on a ”practising schedule ” in order to be more consistent in my behaviour towards others.

[L-F]

That sounds great Angel. Good to read you are working on yourself with a therapist.

Also good to see you have finally created a firm boundary with him by blocking him instead of trying to people please, which is something that will continue to bait him.

It's also good, IMO, that readers can see that even limerent objects are human, and have flaws (we all do). And even though you don't represent ALL LO's, your behavior is typical in that 'hot/cold' & 'give compliments/pull back' dance style LOs tend to do.

I know I keep saying this, not ALL LO's are narcissists. What I would especially like to see, is for many LS to start viewing LO's differently with a bit of empathy since they too have their own struggles that no one knows about. It's not all about narcissism people! lol

Empathy for the damaged/wounded whether LOs, family or friends goes a long way to understanding them, and more importantly, self, just my view of course.

[L-F]

It's a shame people have to reach the ghosting stage regardless of being LO or LS. Makes you wonder if either are mature enough to have adult conversations.

Or perhaps they are Avoidant? Avoid conflict at any cost? Or scared of rejection? Or just not emotionally literate enough to express themselves with regards to how they are feeling?

It really doesn't matter what the reason, what's important is reflecting upon ones own abilities and deciding if that's they way they want to stay.

Imagine being able to express oneself and having the opportunity to be heard? So healing. Especially with regards to a limerent mind.