Limerance dulling my love for partner

[L-F]

Meh, the above is nothing new or fancy.

Susan Jeffers wrote a book 'Face your fears and do it anyway' many moons ago.

Fear keeps us trapped in the 'what if'. Facing our fears moves us out of the 'what if' in to the 'what is'.

[yoguisan]

There was a time when the emotional pain of limerence would bring me to tears of frustration, including suicidal thoughts

I was afraid of admitting suicidal thoughts and sounding edgy or like I was seeking attention, but I actually feel like things don't make sense anymore. I haven't been doing too good to be honest, and I've been struggling to find purpose in life. Medication has been keeping me alive, I suppose. I've also felt like doing self harm, I don't know what kept me from doing it to tell you the truth. I've been drinking like never before, though (as a matter of fact, I'm drunk while posting this).

When I'm really down, I like putting on songs that represent what I feel (I have an entire playlist dedicated to my LO) and scream it off the top of my lungs. It's hard to do it when you're married, however (glad my wife doesn't speak much English though). LE does translate itself into physical symptoms however...pain, sleeplessness, you name it. I just wish it was over

[L-F]

I just wish it was over

For now yoguisan, for now. Not forever.
I hope you focus on remaining stable, not fixed. Leave that for when you have the strength. For now, focus on being here regardless of this thing called limerence. As pointless as this sounds, you will get through this AND reestablish a new norm. In fact, a healthier new norm with SELF.

Because at the end of the day, it's not really a battle with limerence, it's a battle with a new identity forming which inevitably happens when we grow. And, it's thanks to limerence.

It might not make sense to you right now and that's okay. It's all okay, even the pain because through the pain we grow.

Just don't get in your own way. You are growing Yoguisan, and that's painful! So play those songs and dance to them when you can.

We have this saying that "it's okay to not be okay". There's no rush to fix this. You are doing great even if it doesn't feel like it.

Sending you a ton of love.

[yoguisan]

Thanks for the support L-F. These last days have been tough, but I have managed to get by for now. I might just have thrown it all out the window, though. I've been reading old messages I exchanged with LO shortly after we broke up (which I had entirely forgotten we had done) and I realized she was actually really nice to me for some time, and at times I was really an A grade douchebag to her; she only stopped responding me a few months after we were no longer together. Remembering this now and seeing things from a different perspective today I wonder what took her so long to dump me. Hell, now I believe I deserve all I'm going through, and maybe more.

This sort of brings me a sense of closure since now I can say I understand what happened, but it also resurrected the guilt I felt at the time for doing all of this to her. Maybe I can't stop unconsciously punishing myself for this, and this could be the reason why I'm having this LE. I wish I could go back and stop me from doing this to her (and also other people as well; I have over the years lost some great friendships due to my terrible temperament, which only recently I recognized was an issue). Not sure if recognizing and admitting this guilt is a step forward, but I know it sure doesn't make me feel any better.