Anyone else's obsession start because their LO showed interest first?

[Caitlyn]

My LO showed interest in me first (leaned in for a kiss, gave plenty of forehead kisses, really long hugs) which started this whole thing. He showed interest then pulled back completely. He gave me a dopamine rush, made me crave him then just disappeared out my life when I wanted to start hanging out with him properly. Last night, he admitted he's an avoidant type and he also seems like a completely different person. So I guess this really is the end. I know I need to stop thinking about him, but how? I've been wanting another dopamine hit from him so bad. I almost hate him at the same time. It's so messed up! Why come onto me then disappear like nothing happened?

[JupiterTaco]

Yes that's how it happened with all of them. Hit this thing where it hurts and just keep changing your thoughts every time this person comes to mind. If you feel like you need to reflect then give yourself time to do that and then move on.

[fup]

Yup. Same with me. It usually starts by LO showing interest in me. I guess going forward we have to be careful when people take interest in us. But nothing good will come from trying to understand why people act the way they do if they are not doing us good anyway. Though I really understand the need and frustration

[HelpWithGOLO]

In my case she was the only one who gave me any attention at my new job. She was friendly, always greeting me, always making it a point to talk to me, etc. I never saw her interact with anyone else as much or as warmly. I really thought she might be flirting with me and I was flattered but I had no intentions of responding in kind. At least at first. But then her hours changed and I started seeing her less. I started missing her since she was the only one who would talk to me and that is when I started developing my misguided feelings.

[L-F]

Is LO okay dating someone married? Have you asked him?
I see you didn't reply to your last thread, could you be avoidant? I'm not saying this to be mean, often our LOs are reflections (mirrors), which got me wondering if, in the last thread, you read something you didn't like, so avoided it, if you know what I mean.

I could be way off, just an observation. Hopefully, you will be able to talk with LO about your concerns, is this possible? Or... do you avoid these kinds of conversations?

Sounded like he was into you. Did he know you were married when he tried to kiss you and does he know you're in an open marriage now?

Honestly, knowing very little and going by what you've shared, I'd say he was never really into a relationship, only a fun time without strings, assuming he knew you were married.

But. All of this doesn't matter. You are right, best to focus on yourself as opposed to trying to work out if he is avoidant or not.

[Caitlyn]

Is LO okay dating someone married? Have you asked him?
I see you didn't reply to your last thread, could you be avoidant? I'm not saying this to be mean, often our LOs are reflections (mirrors), which got me wondering if, in the last thread, you read something you didn't like, so avoided it, if you know what I mean.

I could be way off, just an observation. Hopefully, you will be able to talk with LO about your concerns, is this possible? Or... do you avoid these kinds of conversations?

Sounded like he was into you. Did he know you were married when he tried to kiss you and does he know you're in an open marriage now?

Honestly, knowing very little and going by what you've shared, I'd say he was never really into a relationship, only a fun time without strings, assuming he knew you were married.

But. All of this doesn't matter. You are right, best to focus on yourself as opposed to trying to work out if he is avoidant or not.

Sorry, I've got ADD and I read the replies but forgot to reply to any of them, I'm always getting distracted. Especially by thoughts of LO lately.

I asked him if he was avoidant and he confirmed. (I saw him Saturday night while he was working. No other customers in the pub at the time. I think I've mentioned this but he's the bartender in the micro pub on my street, as well as neighbour.) I don't think I'm the avoidant type, if anything, I'd be anxious.

He also said he's got a lot of things he's dealing with and will only speak to a certain friend about it because that friend has been through the same things. So I don't know if he's pushed me away because of these things he's dealing with. He did tell me before about his abusive dad but he said there are other things he won't talk to me about.

He knew I was married when he tried to kiss me. Since I've had an open marriage, I've told him about it. And it was after that when he gave the really long hugs like neither of us wanted to let go and he did forehead kisses. There were a couple of times when I thought he was about to lean in again but maybe he was hesitant because I swerved it that first time.

I didn't think an actual relationship would ever work with him though, he's quite a bit younger. So I was surprised he came onto me at all. I guess I was flattered too. I've just tried to keep the friendship going and become closer friends even though he's become my LO. It's like hanging out with him and getting those long hugs/forehead kisses make me feel better about the limerence. I've just been craving that affection from him again, even if we're just friends. I don't know, the whole thing is confusing. I tried to arrange a movie night with him because he loves horror and I've been wanting to watch some of his horror films with him. He seemed enthusiastic about it at first but since come up with excuses. Hard to know if he still wants to be friends or if he's like this because of whatever he's secretly dealing with.

I have given up for now. I usually go into that pub once a week because it's my favourite and so close. I've been going since before he worked there. but I'm planning to stay away for a while. I doubt I will hear from him in the meantime.

[Caitlyn]

Yes that's how it happened with all of them. Hit this thing where it hurts and just keep changing your thoughts every time this person comes to mind. If you feel like you need to reflect then give yourself time to do that and then move on.

Good idea. I've been focusing more on the negatives of him lately. I'm no longer daydreaming about him as the great guy I once thought he was. I've definitely seen a darker side to him even though I'm still thinking about him a lot for some reason. I'm beginning to wonder if he was nice at all or just an act. He seemed to think it was ok to call me a c**t and his excuse was "he calls most people that".

[L-F]

He seemed to think it was ok to call me a c**t and his excuse was "he calls most people that".

Erm... depends on the context but I kind of feel if his tone wasn't nice then it was an insult. Where I live the word is used casually and just about everyone is a c**t. The world has become trendy to use by young & old. Here's a breakdown from the urban dictionary that fits what I'm trying to say "term of offense and or respect, depending on the combined inter-relationships between the participants, objects, context, location, intention, and tone."

However, I'm assuming he wasn't complimenting you??

Bartender. Right. Hmm... Woo the gals and keep them spending $.
Having said that, I'm not denying your friendship is real. Limerence is a real mind-bender, isn't it? One can never tell how much is on them and how much is lustful wishful thinking.

I can relate to the confusion. As for the topic, yes, LO sent subtle hints for a year before I found myself limerent. But then, how much did I read into them? Anyone's guess.

Are you able to ask him directly if he's into you? That way you get closure and can then work on why you fell limerent and what you can do to avoid it happening again.

If I were in your shoes, I'd stop going to that pub until I knew he no longer worked there.

[JupiterTaco]

Yeah people have a tendency to fall for people like bartenders even strippers LOL.

Also I hate to feel like I keep stressing this but there are people that just have literally no boundaries. You never stated whether you noticed how he treats everyone else as opposed to you but there are people who literally cannot keep their hands to themselves. Also physical touch is a love language. So depending on gender culture even group dynamics people may touch everybody LOL and they know that's just the way they are they may not mean anything by it.

I agree with just trying to find out the truth if it's important to you. You can even joke it off like it seems like you're flirting with me right now LOL.

[L-F]

there are people that just have literally no boundaries.

You are not wrong there. Mind you, why should they? I mean, some people like you said are very touchy. Call it culture or whatever or even laziness, boundary-less, etc. Why should others have boundaries that live up to our expectations? It's up to us to stipulate and enforce boundaries, but others that have slack boundaries don't make them bad people, nor does it make their boundaries slack, only different when it comes to what is acceptable boundary-wise.

I was watching a crime series where it involved a potential rape situation, thankfully she escaped. It showed him kissing her and being rough (she chose to go to his apartment for after-dinner drinks), whereby he bit her lips and scratched her.
Not saying it was okay because it clearly violated her boundaries, but, there will be some who like it rough.

So.... Boundaries are person-specific.