Question about jealousy

[yoguisan]

Hey, it's me again.

Previously I mentioned about my LO and that what hurts me the most is when I imagine her with other people. Well, problem is, of all intrusive thoughts I have about her, about 95% is of her having sex or any kind of intimacy with someone.

It's been over 8 years since we broke up, I know it must have happened several times, but the thought of it consumes me. Does anyone also struggle with it? Do you have any tips to overcome this?

[JupiterTaco]

Hey, it's me again.

Previously I mentioned about my LO and that what hurts me the most is when I imagine her with other people. Well, problem is, of all intrusive thoughts I have about her, about 95% is of her having sex or any kind of intimacy with someone.

It's been over 8 years since we broke up, I know it must have happened several times, but the thought of it consumes me. Does anyone also struggle with it? Do you have any tips to overcome this?

Non-monogamous nowadays so I know when I experience jealousy now it's generally a red flag telling me to exit stage left of whatever situation is making me feel that way. Just some food for thought. Other than that you can try to figure out where it's coming from. Does it bring up past memories for you?

[yoguisan]

It does bring me memories sometimes...shortly before we broke up, she proposed a non monogamous relationship, which I reluctantly accepted, but I always kept thinking about she being with someone else when not with me...got to the point of going through her phone to see if there was someone asking her on a date (I was not quite a good person back then), and it was a huge shock when I figured there were, wven though I was going out with other women. That to me was a clear indication that maybe a non monogamous relationship might not be for me, even though I struggle a lot with a monogamous one. Almost cheated on my wife with another LO, but the guilt of it was crushing.

But I'm getting sidetracked here. Maybe there never was closure for me? Maybe deep inside I still think she's my girl. I never quite understood why she left me, even though I can see some reasons for ir nowadays.

[L-F]

Have you always been limerent for her since you separated or did something trigger it?

[yoguisan]

I've had several LEs about her, but they came and went sporadically, until a few years ago when I could remember her and feel nothing but miss her a bit (even so occasionally), nothing a beer couldn't wash away. Also in the meantime I had a few LEs for other women I had quick relationships with before my wife, but nothing too severe, mostly I kept thinking about them for a few days and then it vanished (exceptions happened, but never interfered with my life).

Recently I started getting a bit depressive and there were a few occasions where I would wake up in the middle of the night because I dreamed of her, but it normally would resolve the next morning or at most two days later.

This last episode happened while my wife was travelling with her sister, and not having her around always gets me the blues. In this time I had dreamed of my LO and fantasized a bit about her, but this would mostly last an hour or so and I'd get on with my business, until one night I dreamed of her and it hit me like a boulder. Since then I've been having this LE, which is kind of getting better now, sometimes I can think about her and not get this heartbreak. Could be the medications taking effect, but it's a relief nonetheless.

[JupiterTaco]

It sounds like you've got some good ideas of what helps trigger it. Maybe you can plan for the future fun activities or other ways to keep your mind occupied when you know your wife is going away. Maybe also ask yourself what comes up for you when you're left all alone?

[L-F]

I can't help think jealousy is tied to possessiveness. A shadow worth looking at? Did you ever feel LO was someone you wanted to control?

As for looking at triggers, I ditto what JT has mentioned. Good on you for being open minded and not afraid to look inwards.

[L-F]

As for feeling jealous regarding LO, no sorry, I didn't feel jealous of her husband. I can't relate but I know many can, so I hope they jump on and share their experiences.

[yoguisan]

Well, I could use some more activities indeed, I do have a hobby, but it's airsoft, it's not something I can simply go out and play since where I live the fields generally only work on Sundays or late at night during the week, which makes it impractical for me. I also really like gaming, but I feel it's not enough of a distraction and actually makes me feel worse by imagining me stuck at home feeling miserable while she's out having fun and being happy without me.

As for being possessive, looking back now I do see many occasions where I unconsciously was controlling her, which actually was the excuse I used to reach out to her and apologize for my past self (not that I shouldn't have apologized, but it definitely didn't help me get any better). She even one day realized she was kind of submissive. Nowadays I'm not very proud of what I was back then, and this haunts me to this day as a voice in the back of my head saying that's why she left me. That being said, I do feel jealous of other LOs when I'm in an LE involving them. Maybe I am a control freak and never realized it?

[L-F]

I don't know if you're a control freak, maybe? Maybe not? There's a lot more going on to unpack than simply labeling oneself. And as I mentioned, kudos to you for being brave to share and even questioning yourself. Doing so on a forum also helps others when they can see themselves in your story.

Another thought is, did you ever feel you had control when younger? Idk, I don't want to get into a psychoanalysis rabbit hole here, but... Looking at human behavior + logic, if one is made to feel not in control (had controlling parents), then it's possible to want to [albeit subconsciously] be controlling, or regain some sense of control.
But like I mentioned, too many layers to this. It's a guessing game where we (the readers) can only ask questions. Hopefully, they are not too intrusive!

You mentioned you are feeling better, do you mean your limerence is fading?