Devastating limerence

[yoguisan]

I've dated a girl about eight years ago and she broke up with me after five years and a half. It was a very difficult breakup for me and the LO I'll refer to here is her. In these years after the breakup, I met my wife and we've been happily married for almost two years now, and together for almost seven.

Recently, I was starting to get into a depressive episode (an event that's recurrent in my life, but it was never a major one), until about two weeks ago I dreamed about my LO and it has been devastating me since then. All day I can do nothing except think about her and imagining her going out with other people, which is always affects me so much as to cause physical pain and nearly trigger a panic attack. It got to the point where I reached out to her and apologized for past mistakes (I was indeed not the best guy in the world back then, but in my despair I thought this was the result of never apologizing, or any other unfinished business), something I only realized was limerence when it was already too late.

I've had this my whole life, but ir was never so severe (I even forgot at some point in my life that limerence existed). It's been affecting me enough that I had to increase my antidepressants dosage and been having intrusive thoughts about things I wouldn't like to do. It's breakup all over again, but worse. This has also been preventing me from sleep properly, and has left my wife worried. I feel so bad that I can't tell her exactly what's going on. I love her and don't want to hurt her.

Sorry for the long rant, but this has been destroying me and I needed to put it out

[L-F]

Welcome to the forum. It's always good to get things off our chest. Have you had many LEs? Any after your LO that you've talked about? We're you ever limerent for your wife?

[yoguisan]

Hi, thanks for the welcome.

I've had incountable LEs in my life, but they never happened to be this intense. I did have some of these episodes regarding other LOs I met after her, and one of them actually got me in trouble because I disclosed to her and my wife found out. Strangely, I don't recall being limerent for my wife, though there's something odd regarding her: she's a widow, and I have an irrational anxiety that she still has feelings for her deceased husband, even though it literally could lead her to do nothing

[yoguisan]

Just a not so quick update.

Today was unbearable. So much that I worked to turn my obssession into anger.

LO responded to my apologies for being a dick in the past. She said she doesn't hate me, that I should be in peace with the past and that she only keeps fond memories of our time together. The way she spoke gave little indication that she ever sees us together eventually, but was vague enough to keep a flame of hope lit. I decided that's it.

"There's no way back now"
"She died and now is a ghost in your life"
"While you suffer, she might as well be sleeping with someone now"
"You moved on. So did she. You're an idiot for creating expectations"

I kept repeating these words to myself all the way back home. This gave me such a surge in energy. I got home and started exercising as hard as I could. I hate exercising. But this energy had to be dumped somewhere.

In my mind I told her:
"You got me in this. You will get me out it. Your rejection will no longer bring me torment, but will fuel my anger". A sentiment I'm too familiar with.

My wife has been so supportive. She prepared almost a ritual to help me relax and feel better. She doesn't deserve me causing her pain over someone to whom I mean nothing. And I love her.

I apologize for once again taking the long winded approach. But I've always got a million voices in my head, all screaming at once. LO brought along a million more. And this has to stop. I m sharing this in tears I don t even understand.

I won't lie. Part of me stills waits for the notification sound where she, maybe drunk or in a bout of despair, admits to me she can no longer hold her love for me. But it's been eight years. This is not happening. And it hurts like hell to admit it. But I must accept it.

Hopefully I'll be able to hold true to my word and get rid of the drug she became to me. And hopefully tonight she won't be once again that phantom in my dreams.

[L-F]

Letting go is hard isn't it?

[yoguisan]

It sure is, especially for me. And limerence definitely hits harder when LO is someone you've had something meaningful with. But I see now there's no option.

Now that I'm in a calmer state of mind, I'm afraid I sounded too dramatic, even edgy. But this sure represents the chaos that was inside my mind.

My biggest fear now is not sticking to my promise to let go. I have a bad habit of being impulsive and undisciplined. I know it won't be easy. But I have to.

[JupiterTaco]

Don't worry it's quite common in the forum feel free to share. Welcome to the forum!

[L-F]

I came to say the same thing as JT.
You should see the Journal section (for members), full of 'letting it out' which is a great way to process things.

[yoguisan]

I actually delved into other posts and forgot to reply on my own, sorry about that. I'd like to thank you all for the support, I'm very glad I found this space, where I can learn and share what I'm going through. It's not something that can be debated with anyone, and much less at home.

About my situation, I can say it's a bit better, but I can definitely say it's not over. I still think way too much about LO and get heartbroken over the certainty that by now she probably moved on and is very likely with someone (like me, quite the irony). But in the beginning, I was at a point where nothing else made sense in my life, and I'm glad that's over, now I can find pleasure in doing my things again. Now I need to learn how to let go.

[yoguisan]

A little update on the situation: even though I feel a little better about LO and can distract myself from thinking about her, it's still impacting my life. I get easily distracted at work because I'm so busy thinking about her, and the last few days the thoughts of her are becoming overwhelming again. I've been feeling a huge urge to disclose, I even wrote her a message (in my personal Drive, not intending to send it to her) about how I feel. I also feel like telling my SO what has really been going on with me; I've been having a few problems in my life, and she's been talking about having children, I feel like now's not the time to think about it.

These last days I asked her if she misses her deceased husband and if she still has feelings for him; she said everyone has a place in our lives and our hearts and no one comes to replace anyone, which basically means that she does. Though it probably comes nowhere near the limerence I've been feeling. Ironically, knowing she still has feelings for someone else makes me sad. But it also increased my urge to disclose to both of them, which I'm pretty sure is a terrible idea. Things sometimes feel a little hopeless, like I've put myself in a hole I can't get out of.