Limerence is Ruining my Life

[Limerent_Limerent]

Some background: I’m about 30 and have never been in a serious relationship my whole life. I grew up in a privileged background, but with low confidence and this is something I feel I’ve been battling since adulthood. I don’t truly know if what I have is limerence, but the attachment formed with a family member, so it seemed to fit fairly closely.

The gist is I’ve just turned 30 and I feel like I’m unable to form a healthy romantic relationship with women as it feels like I get so attached easily that it feels unbearable and that I simply can’t deal with it. I’ve only had one properly reciprocal relationship in my life in my early 20s where it got extremely intense very quickly (we said “I love you” almost immediately) and there was a heavy emotional reliance on each other from the off. The circumstances in which we got together weren’t great, there was a toxic background to it and the relationship ended up blowing up fairly quickly, after which I needed some time to get over it.

Since then, I haven’t really had many women I’ve connected with, but when I have, it’s put me in a position where I’ve really struggled to deal with the situation when it feels like it’s going well. Part of this is that I feel like I connect a lot better with people in person than via text, so messaging gives me a huge level of anxiety when I meet someone I really hit it off with. But I feel like I get so attached when I meet someone I really like that I can barely function. I catastrophise every time they seem distant, imagining the worst possible interpretation and when I do this, it affects my life in a hugely negative way, often damaging my output at work. If I get into a situation where it’s affecting me, I don’t tend to feel back to normal until the person feels like she’s back. Most of my limerence since then had ended up with the girl either in a relationship or not reciprocating my feelings, but I kind of feel even if they did, a potential relationship would be a mess.

As I said from the outset, I don’t know if this is limerence (it’s appeared to form multiple times as opposed to just the once), but this attachment did form in a non-romantic way with a family member in a situation that almost blew up our family dynamic eventually. In every case, I’ve felt better once I’ve cut contact and given some space to the situation, but I’m sick of being lonely and I’m really scared that I’m simply unable to have a healthy relationship. I’ve tried to talk to a therapist about this, but it doesn’t seem to work whenever I’m in a limerent episode – only when I’m getting over it in the aftermath.

Is there any experience with people forming multiple limerent connections and finding ways to deal with it? I’ve considered in the past that I’m simply not cut out to be in a relationship, but that thought is incredibly depressing.

[JupiterTaco]

Some background: I’m about 30 and have never been in a serious relationship my whole life. I grew up in a privileged background, but with low confidence and this is something I feel I’ve been battling since adulthood. I don’t truly know if what I have is limerence, but the attachment formed with a family member, so it seemed to fit fairly closely.

The gist is I’ve just turned 30 and I feel like I’m unable to form a healthy romantic relationship with women as it feels like I get so attached easily that it feels unbearable and that I simply can’t deal with it. I’ve only had one properly reciprocal relationship in my life in my early 20s where it got extremely intense very quickly (we said “I love you” almost immediately) and there was a heavy emotional reliance on each other from the off. The circumstances in which we got together weren’t great, there was a toxic background to it and the relationship ended up blowing up fairly quickly, after which I needed some time to get over it.

Since then, I haven’t really had many women I’ve connected with, but when I have, it’s put me in a position where I’ve really struggled to deal with the situation when it feels like it’s going well. Part of this is that I feel like I connect a lot better with people in person than via text, so messaging gives me a huge level of anxiety when I meet someone I really hit it off with. But I feel like I get so attached when I meet someone I really like that I can barely function. I catastrophise every time they seem distant, imagining the worst possible interpretation and when I do this, it affects my life in a hugely negative way, often damaging my output at work. If I get into a situation where it’s affecting me, I don’t tend to feel back to normal until the person feels like she’s back. Most of my limerence since then had ended up with the girl either in a relationship or not reciprocating my feelings, but I kind of feel even if they did, a potential relationship would be a mess.

As I said from the outset, I don’t know if this is limerence (it’s appeared to form multiple times as opposed to just the once), but this attachment did form in a non-romantic way with a family member in a situation that almost blew up our family dynamic eventually. In every case, I’ve felt better once I’ve cut contact and given some space to the situation, but I’m sick of being lonely and I’m really scared that I’m simply unable to have a healthy relationship. I’ve tried to talk to a therapist about this, but it doesn’t seem to work whenever I’m in a limerent episode – only when I’m getting over it in the aftermath.

Is there any experience with people forming multiple limerent connections and finding ways to deal with it? I’ve considered in the past that I’m simply not cut out to be in a relationship, but that thought is incredibly depressing.

Some background: I’m about 30 and have never been in a serious relationship my whole life. I grew up in a privileged background, but with low confidence and this is something I feel I’ve been battling since adulthood. I don’t truly know if what I have is limerence, but the attachment formed with a family member, so it seemed to fit fairly closely.

The gist is I’ve just turned 30 and I feel like I’m unable to form a healthy romantic relationship with women as it feels like I get so attached easily that it feels unbearable and that I simply can’t deal with it. I’ve only had one properly reciprocal relationship in my life in my early 20s where it got extremely intense very quickly (we said “I love you” almost immediately) and there was a heavy emotional reliance on each other from the off. The circumstances in which we got together weren’t great, there was a toxic background to it and the relationship ended up blowing up fairly quickly, after which I needed some time to get over it.

Since then, I haven’t really had many women I’ve connected with, but when I have, it’s put me in a position where I’ve really struggled to deal with the situation when it feels like it’s going well. Part of this is that I feel like I connect a lot better with people in person than via text, so messaging gives me a huge level of anxiety when I meet someone I really hit it off with. But I feel like I get so attached when I meet someone I really like that I can barely function. I catastrophise every time they seem distant, imagining the worst possible interpretation and when I do this, it affects my life in a hugely negative way, often damaging my output at work. If I get into a situation where it’s affecting me, I don’t tend to feel back to normal until the person feels like she’s back. Most of my limerence since then had ended up with the girl either in a relationship or not reciprocating my feelings, but I kind of feel even if they did, a potential relationship would be a mess.

As I said from the outset, I don’t know if this is limerence (it’s appeared to form multiple times as opposed to just the once), but this attachment did form in a non-romantic way with a family member in a situation that almost blew up our family dynamic eventually. In every case, I’ve felt better once I’ve cut contact and given some space to the situation, but I’m sick of being lonely and I’m really scared that I’m simply unable to have a healthy relationship. I’ve tried to talk to a therapist about this, but it doesn’t seem to work whenever I’m in a limerent episode – only when I’m getting over it in the aftermath.

Is there any experience with people forming multiple limerent connections and finding ways to deal with it? I’ve considered in the past that I’m simply not cut out to be in a relationship, but that thought is incredibly depressing.

I've been limerent five times and have managed to get over it and move on but I may always be susceptible to limerence. I've gotten really good at noticing my particular patterns and likely potential LOs and quickly cut and run from those situations. It might take some self-exploration to get there.

Some things that have helped me in the short term were to plan for another limit episode and get as much done between episodes as possible that can kind of counteract the times when you're limerant and you are less productive.

Also try to find things that you like as much as limerence or that keep your attention that can help you keep your mind off of it when you're going through. Don't beat yourself up if you struggle but but keep trying.

Don't try to date when you're limerent it will make you depressed and quite frankly is unfair to other people as I had the misfortune of figuring out.

What you likely think you need is love and validation from someone else but first and foremost you need love and validation from yourself to yourself and healing from whatever made you susceptible to limerence. Putting all of this on a partner is very stressful and a lot to ask of someone.

Try not to get too wrapped up in what they call magical thinking if you're into that. As someone who is somewhat spiritually inclined myself I know that I took that to mean more than it was when it became most obvious with former LOs.

Nevertheless if you follow something like twin flames as one example, understand that you see the signs if it makes you feel better but do not sit and wallow on why you think you and should be together. My former LOs came here to teach me about myself and to help me evolve as a person, those are my thoughts.

[marko]

One positive is you recognize things aren't right. Limerence makes me feel very special and I run blindly into things. Even though I'm married, I now have many thoughts like yours and feel that it's bad because I made relationship choices while limerant. The so attached I can't function is to me a pretty strong indication you are LE. I'd be "in love" as you state. Only feel good when they are around, or that they reciprocate. I came here and recognized it as unhealthy 5 years ago and just returned with another episode.

I could write again Le is ruining my life. It's sad and lonely, rollercoaster of up and down as you see a future alone. Sorry . Our stories here do run a similar path. We are wounded, we look for wholeness through others--reciprocation and only feel whole while it happens. This is a great place to post whatever and don't underestimate how small or large things from your past can haunt you.

I discovered a wounded me that made "relationship" my healer. For many of us, discovery is painful. I really feel for you as well as how do you shut off the "jump in with both feet I'm in love in about 30 second ". I'm in it again and working through, but it's so tricky as I thought I was on guard now. A few talks and bam the brain took it and ran. It has a short life of feel good, then you feel bad, back and forth. Good luck here, we understand.