Fired Therapist

[Asha999]

Exceedingly helpful annotated review there LF, I say that sincerely. It helps when someone points directly to the flaw in the thinking.

I do seek approval from LF… I mean she’s my coach after all, that’s normal in such a relationship. Outsize in ours because apparently I have some maternal thing with her and guess whose approval I struggle with… my mothers! Shocker.

Re her feigning interest… I think you are right here as well. One of my other coaches once called her a “professional best friend.” She’s good at befriending clients and the perks that comes with that. It’s her job to stroke us, chat, etc. I totally get this… I’m in sales so of course I make it look like I’m rapt with interest at all times but I’m actually thinking of something else entirely, either my sport or LO. Makes sense.

And yes my plan was to tell her about my little pride adventure in a matter of fact no big deal kind of way. Except this is kind of a big deal, unfortunately more so that I would have expected based on my own and others reactions… it’s something I kinda choke up about, making me think there’s some deeper truth there.

I bailed on telling LO today because I was a little annoyed with her for making me limerent and I felt like such a conversation was Worthy of more than a passing comment. This is valuable information to me, so she should actually have to show up to that convo was my thought. I may have missed my window there though. Who knows.

Thanks for the answers on disclosure Marko and LF… that’s a big bell that can’t be un-rung. And I can see how in the end it is unlikely to change anything in my mindset.

[L-F]

I had a thought.
LO might be a closet lesbian or even bi (can't recall her sexuality), but let's say she is bi at the very least. No wait, let's assume she is a full-blown lesbian. She still may never ever come out due to her career, family, friends, obligations, personal experiences with women (who knows what she hides from her past), etc. The point is, some women consciously choose to ignore who they are in fear of perceived disappointment. Fear of rejection from peers. I know of several women who pine to be with other women but choose to live a half-life, one where they are safe, secure, and relatively happy. Because at the end of the day, they would rather be where they are than be thrust into the unknown. Even if LO wants to be with a woman, she may never choose this path. Be warned. Some lesbians live in the shadow of society's expectations and secretly admire the brave, and youth of today who have it easier.

[L-F]

I know of a lady living in a rural community where being anything but hetero is unacceptable. She loves horses and her elderly mother lives near so she refuses to leave. Instead, she has reassigned her sexuality to bi and has relations with men so that she at least has company, yet prefers women.

A friend of mine put her sexuality on hold for the past 15 years to focus on raising her children (religious family background) even though her husband knows she's a lesbian and they co-parent without showing the outside world their true story.

Another lady lives in a country where she would be killed for coming out so lives as a hetero.

So many women choose life or put others' needs above their basic need for true intimacy.

[Asha999]

L-F I think you might be right about the closeted thing… or at least maybe that’s what my limerent brain wants to think. Couple reasons… last year we were at a social event and everyone was teasing LO about a trip she was going in with a female friend… they were teasing her in a sexually explicit way about what the would be doing… her reaction was to blush bright red and shrink while laughing… LO is a total smartass so this was weird to me. I was focusing on looking like a dead fish with no reaction while trying to gauge. She and have discussed our total lack of interest in sex in our marriages. The pride comment. Her looking me dead in the eye when someone made a comment about her peaking in looks as a teenager. None of these things are much on their own but I feel like cumulatively they are. but she also has told me about dates with Guys and referred to her dream partner using “he”.

I wish in many ways I had dangled the carrot yesterday but just couldn’t do it… it felt like too big of a reveal for the moment which would be like 30 seconds max (plus I had been performing super poorly in training and wanted to focus). I hope the window didn’t close. The window had opened on that pride comment from her months ago but it closed again…it’s so hard to predict and if I have a second to talk to her I need to seize it. Tomorrow I’ll see her twice but I don’t want to make a weird forced reveal. But my laying it out there and seeing what if anything shifts is a disclosure of sorts. It puts the next move if there is one on her IMO.

The few people I’ve shared this Bi angle with mostly try to tell me I’m suffering temporary insanity or something or jump to it being disgusting. It’s a disappointing and scary reaction from people who are supposedly very liberal snd open minded or whatever. I totally get being closeted, esp with kids and being older… like it’s accepted with the kids and all but people really aren’t cool with it, not Nearly as much as I might have thought anyway.

I didn’t got through with saying something because I was debating pulling back from LO for days. I don’t want to re-enter the trap of hoping to get some sort of reaction from her. She gives it to me… very inconsistently. And this is big stuff. The reactions around my testing the acceptance of my possibly more fluid sexuality have just made me feel sad and icky, so it feels like maybe this should be kept some deep secret or something until I have a partner in it that’s worth rocking the boat over.

[L-F]

The reactions around my testing the acceptance of my possibly more fluid sexuality have just made me feel sad and icky, so it feels like maybe this should be kept some deep secret or something until I have a partner in it that’s worth rocking the boat over.

Totally normal reaction, not that you need me to confirm that lol
May I suggest if anything makes you feel icky, don't do it. Period. You owe no one an explanation about your sexuality. Absolutely no one. Not even a therapist. There's nothing to diagnose or treat.
There will be a time when you are ready and if not, that's okay too.

[L-F]

Unless you like animals or inanimate objects then I'd definitely seek therapy.

I heard a saying, "there's a lid for every pot". You'll find that someone, and when you do, you'll know! Or you could try, figuratively speaking, kissing a few frogs. PS, you're never too old to explore. I became friends with a 65yr old who was curious but felt her age was a barrier. She ended up having a beautiful relationship with a lovely lady for many years.
Besides, there's heaps of horney hungry lesbians just waiting on the sideline for women to turn

[Asha999]

We’ll just here to report another revolution around on the merry go round of limerence. Since booking a trip to come stay at my house with some of my teammates in August a few weeks ago LO is rather predictably on the cold side of hot and cold. Busy? Pulling back? Who knows. Until of course yesterday when we have a lovely little text exchange about our kids….we always seem to engage in these when she’s on a day off. I think she’s one of these remarkable humans with good phone discipline.

So of course that puts me up all night dreaming of what will happen on this August getaway.

Here’s the thing with LO right now… in person… this is normal. I don’t feel weird. I meet her normal nothing special energy with same these days and don’t feel bad about it. But when I get a hint of something more im pulled back in to fantasy land when im away from her. It keeps me from loving in the present. On the balance it’s getting better, but some days I have deep mourning that this unmet need for required love has existed my entire life and really blown up the happiness I felt the last couple years. It’s very confusing what to do about it… I was great but clearly missing something or this would not have happened. But what happened was the limerent projection of that need. I have zero desire to keep doing rounds of this if I were to get out of my marriage.

Has anyone had a successful transition to normal relationships coming off LE? I think in the back of my mind I chose a partner I wasn’t deeply in love with because my previous unrequited love experience left me not wanting to feel anything like that ever again. Getting slammed by limerence makes it clear this unmet need thing is pretty serious and will haunt me if I try to suppress it (again), but I’m not sure this is “work” I can do for myself… I understand the trauma, needs, etc… it’s around feeling accepted and nurtured. Ok… I can’t do that for myself?! Like I’ve been doing all the stuff.. career, hobbies, family … those needs came roaring to the surface anyway.

LO I think is just an actual person to whom I could attach and project those needs on to… I didn’t have a person before to associate those feelings to, now I do and I see here nearly every day.

My friends in the know including and therapist last week say I’ve got to get away from her…starting to agree this might be next despite the massive disruption (I’m now like the queen bee of our training facility as the chair for a huge upcoming event and finally aligned the stars where I need them there for sport success, I’d have to start over somewhere else).

Is having in person interactions normalize (but decreasing but still present fantasy) a sign limerence is on the wane? I’m wondering if I can outlast limerence as opposed to running from it.

I guess it’s something of a waiting game for six weeks until this trip in august. If something were to happen it would be then. If it doesn’t it never would.

[L-F]

Who knows with your LO and situation?
If you haven't already, check out the Drama Triangle by Karpman.

I was watching 'and just like that' where Miranda falls in love with a woman & leaves her husband. The husband asks Carrie (the wife's friend) what she knew about the relationship and the attraction to women. Carrie replied "it's a Che thing", meaning, it had nothing to do with the fact that his wife found woman attractive, only that she was attracted to Che.

This resonated because I don't find women particularly attractive. It was LO, as a person, that I was attracted to. I was smitten by all the things I wanted to be. Nothing but a projection. Yes some woo-woo thrown in for good measure too, and had I had a handle on my LE (or at least known what it was I was experiencing), we could have been friends. Who knows with your situation.

I understand the trauma, needs, etc… it’s around feeling accepted and nurtured. Ok… I can’t do that for myself?!

Yes. You can. And you have to.
Why? Because whether with her or anyone else, you'll always expect something of someone. This is where you learn to expect nothing in return. Where you learn to love someone regardless of their shortcomings. This is where you learn no one is perfect.

Going back to 'And Just Like That', even though I don't know how the story ends, I'm predicting Miranda leaves Che to meet her family's needs. Because out of all of this, limerence teaches us what it means to be selfless not self serving. From my experience and observing others who have transitioned one learns about their own shortcomings and how to move forward to a healthier place from a healthier place. While limerent, we are not healthy. And you can't have healthy relationships when one is not healthy.

[David]

I understand the trauma, needs, etc… it’s around feeling accepted and nurtured. Ok… I can’t do that for myself?!

Yes. You can. And you have to.
Why? Because whether with her or anyone else, you'll always expect something of someone. This is where you learn to expect nothing in return. Where you learn to love someone regardless of their shortcomings. This is where you learn no one is perfect.

Bingo

[L-F]

Hey Asha, if you're around, would love an update! I'm going to jump in the deep end and assume nothing has changed, LO still flirts yet keeps her distance. Plus the professional thing still plays a part because neither of you wants to go your own way due to the expectations placed on you by the circle/society you're in to keep on keeping on.

Hey listened to a great podcast I wanted to share.
Jay Shetty talks to Nick Kyrgios on how to deal with being misunderstood, etc. Was interesting in terms of the pressure sports people are put under and the expectations of them.

Anyhooo... Was thinking about you.
Let's hope things are exactly where you want them! Sending love.