Fired Therapist

[katewatson2024]

I am glad I found this thread because I'm afraid I would be labelled as bi if I saw a regular therapist. That's why I'm searching for one that would really help me to get to bottom of it. Any suggestions of therapists would be appreciated.

Here is my story...

I became infatuated by my long-distant friend whom I met at work. We met once in person, but we would chat/text almost daily. She would confide in me, and I loved the fact that we connected on very deep, personal issues.

Her messages to me were very warm, very persona, and at times suggesting that she liked me more than a friend. We're both married to men with children. I would think about her daily and she said she does too....

During one of our conversations, I told her that I felt our friendship crossed a platonic line. She agreed but didn't say much about exactly what led her to agree to that. When I probed into how she feels about me she said she is not into me and that we there is absolutely no way we'll be in any kind of relationship. I am relieved because I was not looking for a relationship with a woman, let alone leaving my marriage. It is a crazy idea. When we were together, cuddling, hugging the intensity was so strong that I was sure she was enjoying this (and she confirmed she was) so all of this combined with her saying that she loves my physical touch made my head spin and confuse the heck out of me. I was so, so terrified of my feelings toward her that I would freeze being around her. At the same time, I wanted to kiss her. Nothing further. I did not want to have sex with her. I was never in a relationship with a woman, although I did get infatuated by my teachers when I was young, I was never into women, nor am I now.

Has anyone been there? What did you do? I feel like she is putting a distance between us although she says she is glad we talked about it and our friendship is stronger than before.

[L-F]

Sounds like a story I've heard hundreds of times Kate. One of friendship & bluring of the lines. I can't suggest any particular therapist. You mentioned that you'd be afraid of being labeled, this maybe something worth looking at. What scares you about being labeled?

Because of the amount of stories I've heard over the last decade, I'm starting to think that labeling people causes more harm than good. Whatever happened to the word preferences? Every single person could be bi but with a preference for a certain gender (however that is expressed). One day we may even find ourselves in a genderless society, who knows.

Hey welcome to the forum Kate!

[L-F]

I feel like she is putting a distance between us although she says she is glad we talked about it and our friendship is stronger than before.

I'm confused? The friendship is stronger but more distant?

[katewatson2024]

I feel like she is putting a distance between us although she says she is glad we talked about it and our friendship is stronger than before.

I'm confused? The friendship is stronger but more distant?
- I know, it is confusing. Like our entire friendship, she has been sending me mixed signals. Stronger in a sense that we have clarity but she needs distance to work on how/why she was sending signals. I'm not even sure.

[L-F]

- I know, it is confusing. Like our entire friendship, she has been sending me mixed signals. Stronger in a sense that we have clarity but she needs distance to work on how/why she was sending signals. I'm not even sure.

You could go with the trendy societal assumption that's she's a narcissist and bread crumbing you and also vacuuming it up (hovering), but I don't buy into it.

Well Kate, this is the perfect time for deep reflection on what exactly you want & need out of the relationship, what your boundaries are and how to voice yourself in a way that's considerate and validating to self & others.

Could you discuss with her that there could be confusion and reservations on both sides and that you both reevaluate your relationship and find a mutually respectful ground on which to move forward?

[katewatson2024]

- I know, it is confusing. Like our entire friendship, she has been sending me mixed signals. Stronger in a sense that we have clarity but she needs distance to work on how/why she was sending signals. I'm not even sure.

You could go with the trendy societal assumption that's she's a narcissist and bread crumbing you and also vacuuming it up (hovering), but I don't buy into it.

- I really like her and we had such a deep connection. I felt that she has taken a real interest in me and I in her. But in all honesty, I could not go on like this any longer. Her sweet messaging me, saying I love you, I want you, need you were confusing me. I feel like she would have go on like this to if I hadn't brought it up. I don't want it be a relationship, I only want a friendship but I did allow my feelings to carry me away crossing the friendship line.

Well Kate, this is the perfect time for deep reflection on what exactly you want & need out of the relationship, what your boundaries are and how to voice yourself in a way that's considerate and validating to self & others. - I just want to be her friend. I enjoy it and so does she.

Could you discuss with her that there could be confusion and reservations on both sides and that you both reevaluate your relationship and find a mutually respectful ground on which to move forward? Yep, we should talk more I know. But I want to give her space because she mentioned that I was suffocating her with attention at times when she suspected I was maybe into her.

[L-F]

she mentioned that I was suffocating her with attention at times when she suspected I was maybe into her.

Gosh Kate I'm sorry she thinks this, this must be an unsettling time for you right now.

Her sweet messaging me, saying I love you, I want you, need you were confusing me.

Do you feel you could ask for clarification?
Something like 'in what ways do you love me? Or 'what is it that you love about me?' her love could be sisterly, for example, not romantic.

It sounds like you both want to have a friendship and that's great! Can you tell me what's bothering you? Is it the attraction to a same sex person? Or were you never attracted but asked her if she was because her wording was confusing to you?

I'm getting a bit lost here. If you want a friendship only, and she wants a friendship only, then what's the problem? Share only if you feel you want to.

[katewatson2024]

she mentioned that I was suffocating her with attention at times when she suspected I was maybe into her.

Gosh Kate I'm sorry she thinks this, this must be an unsettling time for you right now. Yeah, I wish she had told me sooner and not made me think she likes the way our friendship is going.

Her sweet messaging me, saying I love you, I want you, need you were confusing me.

Do you feel you could ask for clarification?
Something like 'in what ways do you love me? Or 'what is it that you love about me?' her love could be sisterly, for example, not romantic. _ Yeah, i suppose I should. But when you say you want someone, you normally don't say that to a friend, do you?

It sounds like you both want to have a friendship and that's great! Can you tell me what's bothering you? Is it the attraction to a same sex person? Or were you never attracted but asked her if she was because her wording was confusing to you? Same sex thing is bothering me because I haven't been in this situation and I don't want to put her off.

I'm getting a bit lost here. If you want a friendship only, and she wants a friendship only, then what's the problem? Share only if you feel you want to.

What's bothering me is that I felt I loved her more than a friend but didn't want to because I'm in a committed relationship and that is wrong but also that while I was feeling all of that she was sending me mixed signals. In any case, I can def talk to her when we talk although we talked already but there are probably things we can expand on.

[L-F]

What's bothering me is that I felt I loved her more than a friend

You will find your answers here.
There's nothing wrong with being bicurious btw.

In any case, I can def talk to her when we talk although we talked already but there are probably things we can expand on.

Sounds like you've got a good friendship with her worth keeping.

[JupiterTaco]

If you're actually talking and communicating boundaries then that sounds like an improvement. I'm not generally a fan of remaining friends with someone you're attracted to even if you decide that a relationship can't work unless you can get yourself to remember that every time you think about it because that's the way your limerent mind works. Female friendships can be tricky if you're bicurious or LBT. I'm bisexual and there was always that layer of trying to keep things appropriate because I was always terrified of people thinking I was interested in them when I wasn't really.