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NC & Phases of Grief

A tough thing to do - the pros and cons
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WishMagick
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NC & Phases of Grief

Post by WishMagick »

It's been 33 days since I initiated contact with LO who is my next door neighbor. I hoped I would be much further along in my healing / grieving process than I actually am. Especially considering that I (partially) disclosed to him and his wife. I suppose I am not as far along as I hoped because I see him (and hear him) through my windows, and also see him in person outside when we are outside at the same time. So, my NC efforts are not 100% by the book. I have no control over seeing him, unfortunately. Sometimes I really feel that would make all the difference.

Still, we do not communicate in any way shape or form. The last time I heard from him was the 26th of April. That day has such a significance for me. It's really messed up. April 26th last year was the day I got a call from the doctor at the hospital my mom was taken to after she had the heart attack that killed her.
And that day this year, my LO told me that he wasn't interested in an "extramarital sexual experience" (his exact phrasing). Because he and his wife assumed that what I wanted to talk to him about was that I had the hots for him and that I planned to proposition him for sex!!! LOL.
It's great that I can laugh about this part right now.

But, I keep bouncing back between the Anger and Depression phases of grieving him.

I barely spent any time in denial. Though, I do go back to that in moments. I also never really Bargained, at all. And I feel so far away from Acceptance. I hope once I get there, I will never circle back to anything else. But, does that happen??

I am very bitter about how my attempted disclosure went down. LO never allowed me to tell him what I felt I needed to tell him. And his wife intercepted the whole thing. Maybe that is what he wanted because he didn't want to deal with whatever I was going to say. And I had changed my mind about it, but his wife PULLED it out of me. I really resent her for that and I am having such a hard time letting it go. When I brought that up to her, it was hard for her to hear and she made excuses for doing it. She shut down the entire conversation, which makes it impossible for me to be her friend. And we all know I can't be LO's friend.

So I have been trying to pretend they don't exist. Very difficult to do since I see them pretty much every day.
And I worry that they are angry with me (I don't have anything to support that idea, but where is rationality in this whole thing anyway???).

He hasn't unfriended me on Facebook, it seems he has no plans to do that. And I just do not have the strength to unfriend or unfollow him. I simply do not use Facebook much anymore. I go on about twice per week for approximately 5 minutes at a time and sometimes I do not see his posts in my feed. Sometimes I do. He has been posting WAY more than he did when I was active on there.

Almost eliminating my FB usage and not messaging him or even acknowledging him at all when I see him has done a lot for me. I don't have any compulsions anymore. But, I am still replaying my half-assed attempt to disclose to him.

I had a chance to finish what I started when I replied to his email - but I only cleared up the misunderstandings that he and his wife had. And my husband said I only hinted at my unfortunate condition in the message. I really felt like at this point, LO didn't deserve the truth. I don't feel like he and his wife were honest with me, so why should I be honest with them?? He doesn't seem to be able to handle the truth. Nor does it seem like he wants to hear it.

This post turned into a journal entry, sorry about that. Thanks to all who read this far.

Anyone else stuck on one or two phases of grieving their LO during NC???
Can anyone please tell me that it gets better after the 1 month mark?? Even in my situation where I have to LOOK at him so often??

It's so hard to grieve someone who is still alive :((
Last edited by WishMagick on Fri May 22, 2020 7:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I'm Married - with two children
LO is married - with two children
(He lives next door) Partially disclosed - NC is in full force

I'm a SAHM and indie musician. "My unyielding melancholy brings all the existentialists to the yard"

Acrobatica
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Re: NC & Phases of Grief

Post by Acrobatica »

Give yourself time. One month is not very long. And you are grieving for something much deeper. Give yourself time and permission and the compassion to grieve for as long as you need.

I grieved for about 18 months. I cried nearly every day. Sometimes for hours. Sometimes, unfortunately, while waiting in line at Chipotle.

I still cry more than I used to. But it doesn’t feel unmanageable any more. Probably two years ago I asked the forum if the well of tears would continue like a river, or if they would eventually reach an end. Someone wise on here encouraged me to keep crying, but that it would eventually end. They were right.

JMS164
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Re: NC & Phases of Grief

Post by JMS164 »

I just want to say, Wish, that you did your best. Unfortunately, there is no perfect closure. We all feel there is an ideal set of words and actions that will set us free, but it's a lie. Sometimes endings aren't pretty. It can take a really long time to let go. If you can, be patient with yourself. I know it isn't a "traditional" loss or one that is deemed "acceptable" by society, but I maintain that it's a loss nonetheless. It is going to take time to heal and process, perhaps months or even years, depending on your commitment to moving forward. At the very least, he was a dream for you that fulfilled a deep inner need. I'm sorry you've been through so much pain.

I know it isn't what you want to hear, but his wife had every right to intercept. Maybe if you put the situation in the context of your own marriage, it would help you let go? What if she had the depth of your feelings and wanted to disclose to your husband who may have felt the same way? Would you have felt threatened? As important as LO is to you, your SO has been incredibly supportive and loving through this whole experience. My guess is, you may have also reacted with fear, if faced with the same circumstances. I know you want your feelings to be heard and understood (how many times have I quietly cried wishing for the same fulfillment?) but it may never be the case. I hope you find peace, regardless. You deserve all the love in the world.
"Love is a human religion in which another person is believed in." — Robert Seidenberg

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WishMagick
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Re: NC & Phases of Grief

Post by WishMagick »

JMS164 wrote:
Thu May 21, 2020 4:40 am
I know it isn't what you want to hear, but his wife had every right to intercept. Maybe if you put the situation in the context of your own marriage, it would help you let go? What if she had the depth of your feelings and wanted to disclose to your husband who may have felt the same way? Would you have felt threatened?
Here's the thing, I TRUST my husband. And I trust that he chooses me. If she had these feelings for him, I would let her say what she wanted to say and I would trust my husband to tell me what he thought I needed to know!! And if by some reason, he returned her feelings, I would LET HIM GO. You know why? Because I truly love my husband. If he felt he would be happier with someone else, I would support him. And he would support me, always. He would set me up with alimony and he would continue to be my friend and an amazing father.

I KNEW my LO didn't return my feelings, his wife should ALSO know that!!!

I don't feel threatened by her or anyone.

WHY does she feel threatened by me?? Her husband has never done or said anything inappropriate to me, ever. She has ZERO reason to feel threatened.

I don't agree at all that she had the right to intercept. She didn't even let me change my mind and keep it to myself!

They both handled this terribly. Yes, it was my bad idea in the first place, but if either of them were smart, they would have let me back out. And if they thought that my attempt was weird, they could have let me know that they don't want any kind of relationship with me. I would have accepted that.

This, what happened, I can't accept. And I set up multiple boundaries that they crossed.
I'm Married - with two children
LO is married - with two children
(He lives next door) Partially disclosed - NC is in full force

I'm a SAHM and indie musician. "My unyielding melancholy brings all the existentialists to the yard"

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WishMagick
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Re: NC & Phases of Grief

Post by WishMagick »

Acrobatica wrote:
Thu May 21, 2020 3:37 am
Give yourself time. One month is not very long. And you are grieving for something much deeper. Give yourself time and permission and the compassion to grieve for as long as you need.
Thank you. I'm very impatient because I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I have so many good days sometimes that I start to convince myself that I am close to leaving this all behind and then I see him and I fall apart. I am triggered so easily.

I can't manage the deep sadness that comes. Everything else I can deal with. The anger is becoming a preferred emotion because it doesn't hurt as much as remembering how much I adore him and wishing that I was able to handle my feelings so none of this would have been a problem.

I want to be like a normal person who doesn't turn a crush into an obsession. The beginning was so nice. He was such a positive influence in my life. I really felt like I was that for him too (He would see me and hear about me working out and he started to work out. It was quite obvious to me that I was his inspiration).

Time is dragging on. I can't wait until I can fill my schedule and leave my house as much as possible.
I'm Married - with two children
LO is married - with two children
(He lives next door) Partially disclosed - NC is in full force

I'm a SAHM and indie musician. "My unyielding melancholy brings all the existentialists to the yard"

Maddie
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Re: NC & Phases of Grief

Post by Maddie »

WishMagick wrote:
Wed May 20, 2020 6:51 pm

Because he and his wife assumed that what I wanted to talk to him about was that I had the hots for him and that I planned to proposition him for sex!!! LOL.
What did you want to say to him?

Wish, I hate that you're still feeling the deep sadness. Please take care of you. Are you writing any more music? Didn't you say that was cathartic for you?
40, F
ex-LO, 51 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

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WishMagick
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Re: NC & Phases of Grief

Post by WishMagick »

Maddie wrote:
Thu May 21, 2020 8:13 pm
WishMagick wrote:
Wed May 20, 2020 6:51 pm

Because he and his wife assumed that what I wanted to talk to him about was that I had the hots for him and that I planned to proposition him for sex!!! LOL.
What did you want to say to him?

Wish, I hate that you're still feeling the deep sadness. Please take care of you. Are you writing any more music? Didn't you say that was cathartic for you?
I wanted to scare him. I was going to tell him that I was deeply obsessed with him and that I couldn't handle it anymore. And I was going to tell him that I wanted to move. But, I was really hoping that he would get freaked out and move. I was even contemplating telling him that I used to spy on him.

I wasn't going to mention sex.

As far as music is concerned, I don't have motivation to do it! I also don't have enough alone time. My children are very needy. I think more so than "normal" children. They have always been very high needs. They don't ever give me a moment to get into it the way I need to.

And all my new songs are about LO...
So triggering!
I'm Married - with two children
LO is married - with two children
(He lives next door) Partially disclosed - NC is in full force

I'm a SAHM and indie musician. "My unyielding melancholy brings all the existentialists to the yard"

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WishMagick
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Re: NC & Phases of Grief

Post by WishMagick »

It's day 35 of NC today.

I saw him outside SO MUCH yesterday. HOW is this even going to work for me???
This doesn't count as NC if you see the person. I mean, it's much better now that I'm not messaging him. And I won't EVER message him (or his wife) first ever again. That is the only way I can keep the last bit of dignity that I have. I am fiercely protecting myself by not ever reaching out again (but have no hesitation in a true emergency if LO and his medical knowledge could help my family). But, I know that I would respond to him if he ever reached out to me - but I don't think he ever will...so that saves me.

Seeing him is very triggering for me. It always has been. I used to have an almost immediate compulsion to message him after I saw him. Just SEEING him is a hit for me. And I am not even looking directly at him anymore!!! I refuse to make eye contact with him and I only ever see him out of my peripheral vision. Yet, I am still flooded with many chemicals when he is near me.

I will always be addicted to him as long as I live here and he lives there. I wonder will I just get used to the small hit of seeing him and eventually learn to not be so affected by it???

I've never done NC this way. It's worked for me in the past because NC meant TRUE NC. Not seeing them, not talking to them, not even looking at them. That definitely works. This what I'm doing here? Not sure that it is going to do what it's supposed to do.
I'm Married - with two children
LO is married - with two children
(He lives next door) Partially disclosed - NC is in full force

I'm a SAHM and indie musician. "My unyielding melancholy brings all the existentialists to the yard"

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WishMagick
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Re: NC & Phases of Grief

Post by WishMagick »

Well, I surpassed my NC record by a few days.
It's been 1 month and 1 week since I initiated contact.

I'm proud of myself.

And this is doing something, just not as much as it could, and as much as I need it to.

I keep imagining what it's going to be like months from now, with still no contact, and I imagine that I will feel so much better.

And there's the fear. The fear that my wound will be reopened somehow. Because....he lives right next door.

I will keep marching forward.
I'm Married - with two children
LO is married - with two children
(He lives next door) Partially disclosed - NC is in full force

I'm a SAHM and indie musician. "My unyielding melancholy brings all the existentialists to the yard"

JMS164
Posts: 80
Joined: Sun Feb 23, 2020 8:29 pm
United States of America

Re: NC & Phases of Grief

Post by JMS164 »

You're doing great, Wish! :ymapplause: I wholeheartedly believe you are making the correct decision. Five weeks is nothing to sneeze at.
"Love is a human religion in which another person is believed in." — Robert Seidenberg

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