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Is limerence a form of love?

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
Overthinker
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Re: Is limerence a form of love?

Post by Overthinker »

JMS164 wrote:
Thu May 14, 2020 12:35 am
I don't truly want to lose our friendship or our work relationship, as painful as it is, and it's the biggest reason I've never disclosed. I don't believe he'd force me out of my job, but he would be forced to make sure he acts as professionally and maybe even coldly towards me as possible. I don't want that.
JMS, sadly I'd have to agree, I don't want to lose our friendship either, even after the unexpected run in with LO yesterday and all the feelings that's brought back for me. But I do want to continue LC, because it takes me days to recover from any kind of contact and piling up day after day of contact would only drive my mind back to the insanity it was in not too long ago.

I don't know if things will change when we're working in the same office every day again. It might become too much to handle at some point.
Male, Married
LO married, co-worker

Cookie
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Re: Is limerence a form of love?

Post by Cookie »

This question is along the lines of "What is God?"

Love is not a tangible thing and has no measurable elements or parameters.

Dictionaries attempt to describe it in ways that are all based on feeling(s), which unto themselves cannot be defined.

So is limerence a form of love? Yes, in the sense that it is an intersection of feelings.

But calling it love or not love isn't going to change a dern thing. Per Acrobatica's point about labels...

[Adding: I don't blame you for asking the question, JMS, and have done so myself all along. Someone said to me once that love was just mirroring of what we wanted for ourselves. Still wondering about that one.]
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Mezzer
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Re: Is limerence a form of love?

Post by Mezzer »

Love is different to different people and here lies the problem, to us limerents I believe it is a feeling so close to fear that we struggle to tell the difference, it doesn’t start out that way but once become invested the need for reciprocation becomes our main drive and focus. Is it healthy love? I don’t think it is, but love non the less

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NoDayDreaming
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Re: Is limerence a form of love?

Post by NoDayDreaming »

Cookie wrote:
Thu May 14, 2020 6:06 pm
Someone said to me once that love was just mirroring of what we wanted for ourselves. Still wondering about that one.
you mean like giving the other exactly what we need for ourselves? if so, yes, this is how i love. limerence has some elements of that. we pay attention to LO hoping to get it back. the difference with true love is, we give not hoping to get it back.

it think it was Brene Brown who said that there was no unconditional love in adulthood (maybe beside parental love). i tend to agree.
I'm limerence free and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I learn something new about myself and life everyday. There is hope and so much more. NC works. Be free, be happy! In retrospect, LE was about the best thing that has happened in my life.

Cookie
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Re: Is limerence a form of love?

Post by Cookie »

NoDayDreaming wrote:
Sat May 23, 2020 2:15 pm
Cookie wrote:
Thu May 14, 2020 6:06 pm
Someone said to me once that love was just mirroring of what we wanted for ourselves. Still wondering about that one.
you mean like giving the other exactly what we need for ourselves? if so, yes, this is how i love. limerence has some elements of that. we pay attention to LO hoping to get it back. the difference with true love is, we give not hoping to get it back.
Yes, what we need for ourselves.

My daughter is an avid animal lover and said to me once that we think our pets love us back in the same way we love them--but they are not capable of that same spectrum of emotions. But in our minds they are feeling what we are because we want them to. If that makes sense.

I don't fully agree that with true love we give without hoping to get it back, at least in a partner relationship. With a parental one, maybe. But I think as part of a couple, it's impossible to sustain true love without the hope of getting it back. In fact...that's the underlying dynamic of limerence!
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JMS164
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Re: Is limerence a form of love?

Post by JMS164 »

I don't think that's an effective way of love, personally. We all have unique needs. Giving what we need to someone else might not be welcome because what THEY need is different. Actually, more often than not, when we love this way we end up pushing others away. Best to try to meet the needs the other expresses to us, directly or indirectly. In the case of limerence, sometimes that is to disconnect entirely or at the very least back off. Especially if LO is not available.
"Love is a human religion in which another person is believed in." — Robert Seidenberg

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WishMagick
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Re: Is limerence a form of love?

Post by WishMagick »

JMS164 wrote:
Sun May 24, 2020 4:39 pm
I don't think that's an effective way of love, personally. We all have unique needs. Giving what we need to someone else might not be welcome because what THEY need is different. Actually, more often than not, when we love this way we end up pushing others away. Best to try to meet the needs the other expresses to us, directly or indirectly. In the case of limerence, sometimes that is to disconnect entirely or at the very least back off. Especially if LO is not available.
Absolutely. I wholeheartedly agree.
I'm Married - with two children
LO is married - with two children
(He lives next door) Partially disclosed - NC is in full force

I'm a SAHM and indie musician. "My unyielding melancholy brings all the existentialists to the yard"

Cookie
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Re: Is limerence a form of love?

Post by Cookie »

JMS164 wrote:
Sun May 24, 2020 4:39 pm
I don't think that's an effective way of love, personally. We all have unique needs. Giving what we need to someone else might not be welcome because what THEY need is different. Actually, more often than not, when we love this way we end up pushing others away. Best to try to meet the needs the other expresses to us, directly or indirectly. In the case of limerence, sometimes that is to disconnect entirely or at the very least back off. Especially if LO is not available.
When we "love" others, we are expressing affection for them but also hoping (subconsciously at a minimum) they will return that in the same or similar way. Aren't we? I mean...do people actually have girlfriends/boyfriends/spouses that they DON'T expect reciprocated feelings from in some way?

How a person responds to our affection guides what comes next, and we always have to navigate that in relationships. But no one person has any more rights than the other. And if they push back or disappear completely, then we have our answer.

There’s a balance, and I think it’s a perfectly normal and healthy dynamic to want a person to mirror back to us the love we have for them. When we don’t get that though, yeah...different story.
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JMS164
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Re: Is limerence a form of love?

Post by JMS164 »

Of course partners expect reciprocation in mutual relationships. If we are voicing our needs in an effective way, the way our partner loves us should fulfill some of our needs. We must fulfill the rest, or find fulfillment in other types if relationships (family/friends), as no partner is perfect.

But my needs and your needs are different. One person might feel most loved cuddling every day for at least an hour. Another may only feel loved if a partner helps out by doing chores. Still another may feel most loved when they hear their partner say it. I think you know where I'm going with this.

I think limerents often identify their OWN needs and then give the love they want, mostly in an effort to receive that love in return. As an example, limerents often feels a need for more regular communication, so they seek LO out all the time to an almost obsessive degree. It is not to make LO feel good usually, however. It is rooted in the selfish desire for the limerent to feel loved and needed through regular communication. Maybe LO isn't a big texter. A limerent will try to push LO to text them more, because when LO texts less, painful anxiety and even worse occurs for the limerent.

Limerents' tendency to try to people please LO with a secretly selfish reward in mind is what separates limerence from love in my mind. Recognizing when we are acting in a self-interested way and calling it "love" may be key to ending limerence.
"Love is a human religion in which another person is believed in." — Robert Seidenberg

Cookie
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Re: Is limerence a form of love?

Post by Cookie »

Right. My comments about mirroring were not specific to limerence. Sorry for any confusion.
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