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Oh no... Contact!

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
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PhoenixJB
Posts: 65
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 11:28 pm
United States of America

Oh no... Contact!

Post by PhoenixJB » Mon Mar 16, 2020 12:31 pm

Hi all!
I've been at work for a week (camp/outdoor skills kinda job) and I'm home for one day off before I go back for 5 more days.

I was so looking forward to working for a week (we camp there so it's also fun to hang out with my fellow instructors who have all become very good friends, a family of sorts, I love those people!!) and I was hoping it would be enough distraction from LO.

But early in the week I sent one last message to LO. "Are you ever going to talk to me again or what?" and I entirely expected no response. Instead he replies!! He is seeming kind of cool towards me at first but warms up a little bit. He even follows me again and goes back and likes the past 20 photos I posted while we were on the 'outs'. (Oh did my heart leap when I saw all those notifications!!). We keep chatting back and forth and I say something about him being mad at me still, he says he never was mad at me, ever. So why the no response? He says no response does not equal mad. So I'm confused about all that, but one of my coworkers says he was just waiting for me to 'stop acting crazy' (you can go read my post in Intro to get the backstory if you like, I acted like a clingy insecure 16 yr old to him, and worse lol).

So I am trying hard to keep my cool and not slip back into limerence although, y'all have to be honest with me, I've rekindled it, haven't I? I am not as 'bad' as before but after my next week of work ends and I'm home, worse if we all become quarantined here in the US, I'm going to be climbing the walls and back to breathlessly waiting his responses and planning conversations in my head and timing out how often I can message him...

I would like to think that we really could be friends but I know the limerence won't really allow for that. Will it? I have this idea in my head if I could just feel secure that we were friends, and that he would eventually get back to me after a 'no response' phase (LO starts to do that every couple weeks). But really I know I won't be satisfied with that. Argh.

Currently keep check, check, checking my phone to see if there are any notifications from him.... (sigh, of course there aren't!!!! he never reaches out to me!!!! it's always me to him.)

Thoughts?? Can I control myself??

Mezzer
Posts: 38
Joined: Fri Feb 07, 2020 6:43 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Oh no... Contact!

Post by Mezzer » Mon Mar 16, 2020 3:31 pm

Hi PJB, honestly I doubt it, a very wise person on these forums said limerence is like being an alcoholic, you cant just go back and have one drink. You will soon be drinking everything in sight again. I'm sorry you're getting drawn back in.

Much love to you

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WishMagick
Posts: 548
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2019 8:00 pm
Location: Wonderland
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Oh no... Contact!

Post by WishMagick » Mon Mar 16, 2020 4:10 pm

Yeah, he's keeping you "strung along" because he probably really enjoys your attention.
Most likely same story with my LO. Although, he has been a true friend to me...so it's a bit different.

As long as you keep control of yourself, you're all good! Can you do that?
Or can you not be bothered by what you're doing?

Remember the problem comes from our behavior causing us pain. If what you do is not hurting him, or you, or your husband - then what's the issue?
Married - 38.5 yrs old
LO is married - 32 yrs old
(He lives next door)

I'm a SAHM and indie musician. "My unyielding melancholy brings all the existentialists to the yard"

PhoenixJB
Posts: 65
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 11:28 pm
United States of America

Re: Oh no... Contact!

Post by PhoenixJB » Mon Mar 16, 2020 4:38 pm

Thank you Mezzer. I hope I can sip responsibly this time, but having had issues with other addictions, I fear not :-s

WishMagick, I would like to think it isn't hurting anyone. It is probably hurting me more than anyone else. I do agree I think he likes the attention, as long as I keep my cool and don't play clingy girlfriend... I fear that I will always want more than that. I am currently check, check, checking my phone to see if he has been on. Argh.

However I have also had many instances where I can draw my attention elsewhere for even hours at a time, and I tell myself I need to take care of my own chores, responsibilities, work, hobbies, etc. and that is the only way maybe this can work.

I don't know. We'll see. Everything is so WEIRD in the world right now too. If we are all quarantined I may be wanting to reach out to him more than ever!

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WishMagick
Posts: 548
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2019 8:00 pm
Location: Wonderland
Gender:
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Re: Oh no... Contact!

Post by WishMagick » Mon Mar 16, 2020 4:56 pm

PhoenixJB wrote:
Mon Mar 16, 2020 4:38 pm
I tell myself I need to take care of my own chores, responsibilities, work, hobbies, etc. and that is the only way maybe this can work.
Yep. It definitely CAN work if you are not obsessing!
Living your best life will make you think about him less. And should mellow out the obsession.

But you still have to figure out why he triggers this in you. That's the hard part.

I still haven't figured it out. It's complicated.
Married - 38.5 yrs old
LO is married - 32 yrs old
(He lives next door)

I'm a SAHM and indie musician. "My unyielding melancholy brings all the existentialists to the yard"

PhoenixJB
Posts: 65
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 11:28 pm
United States of America

Re: Oh no... Contact!

Post by PhoenixJB » Mon Mar 16, 2020 5:06 pm

I think he triggers it on multiple levels.

1. I am 42 and not quite hitting menopause but my hormones are undoubtedly driving me to procreate before time is up. I have no kids and do not want kids, but hormones do not listen.
2. He is a bad boy and I reeeeeallllly like bad boys
3. He is financially secure and even though I do well on my own, it is definitely appealing to be with someone who is financially secure
4. He has depression and I want to cheer him up (I want to fix him)
5. I previously dated a narcissist and I know exactly why I am attracted to them
6. I am anxious attachment style and he is avoidant attachment style, I am moth to his flame.
7. He is danger and I want excitement in my life right now
8. My dad has been in an affair with a married woman for 20 years now. So in my mind this kind of thing can actually work. I know, I need to discuss with my therapist...

I kind of feel like if he would just assure me that he feels similar or at least more than friends, even if we have to keep it at friends, that I could handle it. And if he reciprocated in reaching out to me sometimes.

Ugh. Who am I kidding this isn't gonna work!!!!! He hasn't been on IG since yesterday and my anxiety is a 15 on a scale of 1-10.

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WishMagick
Posts: 548
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2019 8:00 pm
Location: Wonderland
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Re: Oh no... Contact!

Post by WishMagick » Mon Mar 16, 2020 8:05 pm

PhoenixJB wrote:
Mon Mar 16, 2020 5:06 pm

Ugh. Who am I kidding this isn't gonna work!!!!! He hasn't been on IG since yesterday and my anxiety is a 15 on a scale of 1-10.
Only you can decide if it can work or not. It can't work if this is causing you this much anxiety or take over your brain this much. If we can't find a balance, then we must avoid them completely.

I'm sorry that you're going through this rough spot. The times where I'm feeling frantic really wake me up to let go - even if just a little. And by letting go, I meant trying not to grasp on so tightly. Let go of the grip to find some peace.

You're going back to work soon for 5 days, right? Maybe just not message him at all during that time and get some of your balance back. Then re-evaluate afterwards. I wish you strength. You can also pm me if you want. Pm me instead of him! lol!
Married - 38.5 yrs old
LO is married - 32 yrs old
(He lives next door)

I'm a SAHM and indie musician. "My unyielding melancholy brings all the existentialists to the yard"

PhoenixJB
Posts: 65
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 11:28 pm
United States of America

Re: Oh no... Contact!

Post by PhoenixJB » Mon Mar 16, 2020 10:10 pm

I'd like to try hard. I'm willing to be just friends but it still has to feel reciprocal.
I will try not to message him the next few days, but we used to talk most days and I enjoyed that. I feel like he must have also. I don't know maybe he deserves 5 days without me. lol would he notice??

Thank you so much for the offer to PM you, I totally would as I feel we have a lot in common, but I won't have a computer out there and probably not a lot of time to chat.

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