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Limerance for over a year

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Euro

Limerance for over a year

Post by Euro » Thu Feb 13, 2020 6:18 pm

First time posting here. First time I realised there was an actual name for this thing. Happy to know I'm not gone mad.
Married 20 years, kids ranging in age from young teen to starting school. I'm finished having kids. Marriage is non sexual the last while. I kinda fell out of love with him, although we're still together, I felt he was putting his own ego before my and kids needs. Always walking out of jobs. Going weeks often months without work. Would sleep a lot. I felt like a single parent. I was doing everything all by myself. We were more like house mates. I got very down in my self.
Then one day something clicked in me. It was like I was awoken. My moods perked up. I started taking care of myself again. Then the neighbour I often nod hello to, I really noticed him one day. We've never spoken sentences to one another. Its always just a quick hello. But I know all about him. I know his full name. I know he's separated years. Has kids and grand kids. (I know all their names too) And I also realised that I think one friend of mine actually knew him about 20 years ago. I can remember her always asking me if I knew such a person, he lived in my district, and told me bits about him. Not sure how I remembered all this but it hit me one day that its him she had asked me about back all those years.
I know the sound of his engine when he's starting the car.
I see how much of a hard worker he is. I know when he leaves for work and comes back.
I do realise that part of my limerance with him is that I see things he has to offer that my husband won't/can't. ( hard worker being one)
I fantasize all the time about having a life with him.

How to stop all this, not sure if I even want to stop it.
Is it a form of escape? Unhappy with life or something?
Do people who are very happily married/ in a relationship also have limerance????

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WishMagick
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Re: Limerance for over a year

Post by WishMagick » Thu Feb 13, 2020 6:44 pm

Oh boy. My LO is also my neighbor. It's been 6 months and it's been very difficult.

My marriage had gone through a no sex bout. We were in a sexless marriage for about 2 years. My husband didn't think there was anything wrong with that. I didn't care as much the first year because we had a young baby and my sex drive is usually pretty non-existent while breastfeeding and recovering from pregnancy. But sex has always been a big part of our connection and relationship and I am just a very sexual person and because that was missing I didn't feel connected to my husband very much at all. He doesn't place sex as high on the priority list as I do.

Our sex life was revved up by my limerence for my neighbor, I think.

I don't think people in happy marriages get limerent. And people who are happy and secure with their life and themselves also don't get limerent.

My LEs have started from depression, boredom and loss (which is similar to depression).

People here tell you to work on your marriage and it may help with your LE, but I have done that and it's not helping.

Working on myself is helping more. But very slowly.

If you haven't begun interacting with your LO, try your best not to in the first place. I wish I had the mind to stay away from my neighbor when the feelings started to stir up (I was really limerent for him the second I laid eyes on him without him saying a word), I would have avoided him like the plague!!
Last edited by WishMagick on Thu Feb 13, 2020 9:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Married - 38.5 yrs old
LO is married - 32 yrs old - lives next door!!!
Recovering. Finally.

I'm a SAHM and indie musician. "My unyielding melancholy brings all the existentialists to the yard"

Mezzer
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Re: Limerance for over a year

Post by Mezzer » Thu Feb 13, 2020 7:00 pm

Hi Euro, I’m deep in it, so very active in these forums atm, can I ask have you communicated with your husband about your dissatisfaction with your marriage? Also does he suffer from depression, just your description sounds like he may.

You will find lots of support for your situation here, but from what I have read it’s more a problem of self than any external factor, I wish you love and hope things get better for you.

Euro

Re: Limerance for over a year

Post by Euro » Thu Feb 13, 2020 7:25 pm

Oh wish magick its hard isn't it. I don't think we ever will get talking as we usually only get to see one another about once every 2-3 months lol and its just a nod of the head and a hello!
I think part of my issue was that I also had a young child, we moved here when she was just under a year old , I did most of the packing / sorting / unpacking / organising things myself when we moved, he was working full time then, but his free time he did his own thing , while I was still trying to settle into new home , sorting it all out, sorting out all the kids too. I was a bit depressed about moving. Took me a while to settle . I was hitting a milestone age also, and realised that my little baby was most likely my last ever baby. So I think it took me aboyt a year to deal with that.
Then my husband left his job. Only took on part time jobs. So I started to resent him a bit. And resented him for the fact that I was being both mum and dad, and I was also being the husband !( I was doing all the diy jobs). At this stage I realised that if i was alone , as a single parent, I know i could survive as I was practically living like one. So I started accepting this fact, I accepted that i won't be having more kids, I accepted I'm hitting a new milestone age , and then I started embracing this new life.......and then i noticed the neighbour!

(Sorry for such a long post!)

Euro

Re: Limerance for over a year

Post by Euro » Thu Feb 13, 2020 7:30 pm

Mezzer, sometimes I think this too, other times I think he has undiagnosed issues ( possibly on the spectrum).
I've never mentioned any thing about my unhappiness.
If he told me he has met someone else I would be happy for him, and happy for myself. (Even with limerance out of the equation)

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WishMagick
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Re: Limerance for over a year

Post by WishMagick » Thu Feb 13, 2020 9:31 pm

Euro wrote:
Thu Feb 13, 2020 7:30 pm
If he told me he has met someone else I would be happy for him, and happy for myself. (Even with limerance out of the equation)
This is very telling to me. First thing is that you truly love your husband. Second thing is you need to tell him how you feel because it sounds like you might not want to be married to him anymore. He deserves to know that so you can give him a chance to hear you out and meet your needs. If he doesn't want to or makes no effort to salvage your marriage, then that is your cue to let go.

At least there is genuine love there so you both will be ok, I think. Sometimes our LEs show us that we are not in the right relationship.
I hope you have or get some support from somewhere, I know how you feel a bit, and also my husband knows how you feel because I have depression (and sometimes wonder if I am on the spectrum) and he has to do a lot of things because I was suicidal and could barely get out of bed at times. But I have resented my husband for not supporting me going back to work. I feel forced to be a stay at home mom and I don't want to be anymore.

But, enough about me! I wish you the best. Please talk to your husband and come back here and update us!
Married - 38.5 yrs old
LO is married - 32 yrs old - lives next door!!!
Recovering. Finally.

I'm a SAHM and indie musician. "My unyielding melancholy brings all the existentialists to the yard"

Euro

Re: Limerance for over a year

Post by Euro » Thu Feb 13, 2020 10:26 pm

Oh no that sucks that he won't support your decision. What about if you went part time, would that still be an issue for him?

I don't think I could ever tell him how I truely feel. :-( i know he will be deeply hurt. I have some reasons for not telling him.
I know he wouldn't handle it well , he has anger management issues but he has never done anything about it, he will admit he has anger issues but in a jokey way. And again I think the anger comes from other issues (possibly spectrum) and he doesn't know how to process these issues or just gets so over whelmed so it just comes out as anger.
We are not from the same country, he's lived here almost 25 years , but has no family here. So if we split I don't know what he'd do. If he stayed here he couldn't afford to move out and rent his own place, if he went back to his parents in his home country he's far away from the kids, unless he takes them with him, which is my biggest biggest fear.
I have no support. I haven't told anyone. So I think my LE is based on all the above. It Is my form of escape. My reason for making myself look good each morning , even though I won't see LO as I only see him face to face about 6-12 times a year, but I see him everyday from behind my curtain!!!

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WishMagick
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Re: Limerance for over a year

Post by WishMagick » Fri Feb 14, 2020 12:19 am

Euro wrote:
Thu Feb 13, 2020 10:26 pm
My reason for making myself look good each morning , even though I won't see LO as I only see him face to face about 6-12 times a year, but I see him everyday from behind my curtain!!!
Oh that sounds so much like what I'm going through. I get myself all dolled up for him, and HOPE that I see him. I see my LO more often than that, but I don't see him every day. I usually try to look nice every day...just in case!

It is a distraction. And it feels like such a GOOD one. Even though it is potentially destructive.
I am really not one to talk, because I can't avoid my LO for the life of me, I'm in too deep at this point, but I wish I never went outside to chat with him when he first moved in. If it is at all possible, try not to get closer. It gets worse and worse the closer you get.

It seems like your marriage has a lot of delicate things and getting closer to your LO would definitely make things so much worse. Maybe you can talk to your husband about his anger issues and gently ask if he wants to do anything about it, and ask him why not if he says no?

You are in a very tricky position!
Married - 38.5 yrs old
LO is married - 32 yrs old - lives next door!!!
Recovering. Finally.

I'm a SAHM and indie musician. "My unyielding melancholy brings all the existentialists to the yard"

JupiterTaco
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Re: Limerance for over a year

Post by JupiterTaco » Fri Feb 14, 2020 4:11 pm

I wish you luck dealing with this, I know it's not fun.
Own your shadows or they'll own you.

Floramay
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Re: Limerance for over a year

Post by Floramay » Fri Feb 14, 2020 6:34 pm

I am new to this forum. Have experienced limerance for over 10 years. Started with someone who worked on my house and I got over it. But because I keep seeing him every year or so as his company comes back to work on other houses it persists. He encourages it but like me doesn’t progress it which is lucky! But I get so obsessed with him. Though the person I’ve made him into isn’t the reality. I know we wouldn’t get on in real life. It’s just flirting on his part but on mine I just get obsessed and thoughts of him so intrusive. I’ve experienced this before but never for so long! It affects my mood which then affects my family.

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