Carrying on with SO when you don’t feel it

For those married or in a Long Term Relationship and struggling with limerence.
Mezzer
Posts: 79
Joined: Fri Feb 07, 2020 6:43 pm
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Great Britain

Carrying on with SO when you don’t feel it

Post by Mezzer »

Hi all, I have only just come to this due an EA I had last year, I confessed to my SO after the guilt became too much. I knew nothing of attachment styles or limerence at the time but since Christmas I have come to understand that I am both anxiously attached and also in the middle of an LE. My LO still reciprocates but is unwilling to break up my marriage, although I am willing to accept that her motives may not be good. The problem is I have little feeling towards my SO, will this come back after the LE subsides? I’m so confused because I don’t think I really know what real love feels like. Looking back I have always been limerent, every relationship I have ever had started with limerence on my part, I have never ended a relationship because of my fear of being abandoned, So I don’t know if this is me being in the fog, or if I have realised that there is something missing with my SO and I have always been too frightened to address things.

Any advice would be appreciated, I am LC with LO due to working together

marko
Posts: 1657
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: Carrying on with SO when you don’t feel it

Post by marko »

This echoes my world. My anxious self looking to the idea of relationship, and life long LE that really only emulated love as it me me feel loved. My love never came back, I knew this as LE started, as it never really existed. I thought LO, or something like that was what I needed. I need more affirmation than anyone can give. It might of helped if my SO could have given a little of that. Her issues make that, coupled with my distancing our relationship, impossible. It took a while to figure all of was me and that given 2 years I'd withdraw yet again. I can't trust anyone deep enough and find a relationally immature self. I'm fake in all of it. A needy self can't be filled, a stable self dependent on self just didn't happen. It's strange to coexist with solutions and the obvious--just work through it. But that is just the want to return to what I was, which isn't what I need to be.

Mezzer
Posts: 79
Joined: Fri Feb 07, 2020 6:43 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Carrying on with SO when you don’t feel it

Post by Mezzer »

Hi Marko, thank you for taking the time to reply, you are right, no amount of external validation ever seems to fill the bucket. Can I ask how long you were with your SO? And are you still together. I have been with mine 16 years, I had never looked for for someone else, but last year my LO found me. I feel like a fraud too, but I want to be self dependent so I can love in a real authentic way. I’m seeing a therapist and what to make this change, I want to be happy again and be a good partner in a mutually fulfilling relationship. I’m not afraid of hard work, I’m afraid of living a life other than my best

L-F
Posts: 3072
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Carrying on with SO when you don’t feel it

Post by L-F »

Mezzer wrote:
Mon Feb 10, 2020 7:32 pm
So I don’t know if this is me being in the fog, or if I have realised that there is something missing with my SO and I have always been too frightened to address things.
Avoidance sure can be a pain in the backside! ~x( I've avoided many things in my life, such as not speaking up to speak my own truth just to avoid an argument. I've since learned that my voice matters too.

This article demonstrates the strength and courage it takes to be radically honest with oneself, and then everyone else: https://www.upi.com/Entertainment_News/ ... 581093180/

Perhaps spend time examining one's own conscious thoughts, feelings and sensations (introspection) to learn more about your own True Self? This would require separating your voice from the voices of others, such as parental and societal influences.

LisaT on here always use to say that we wouldn't fall limerent is everything was right within the relationship. Which is true for many. However I'd say "we wouldn't fall limerent if everything was right within ourselves".

It's good you are seeing a T who will help you to unpack things. All the best Mezzer.
Learn to forgive...Life is too short to live with hate.
"Everything is within your power, and your power is within you." Janice Trachtman

John
Posts: 96
Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2019 3:14 pm
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United States of America

Re: Carrying on with SO when you don’t feel it

Post by John »

Mezzer, I am struggling with the same question that you are. My wife was in an EA a year ago and although we've reconciled, there is so no intimacy and she seems distant. I can't help wonder if the LE is still affecting her or has somehow changed her opinion of me. I'm curious to see what others have to say about this.

Mezzer
Posts: 79
Joined: Fri Feb 07, 2020 6:43 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Carrying on with SO when you don’t feel it

Post by Mezzer »

Hi John,
John wrote:
Wed Feb 12, 2020 1:25 am
I can't help wonder if the LE is still affecting her or has somehow changed her opinion of me. I'm curious to see what others have to say about this.
I can’t say for sure but this is how the EA affected me, when I realised it was an EA, I started to feel intense guilt, I started to look at my SO, and all her imperfections where magnified, this helped me justify in my own head what I was doing. Now it’s over, those doubts remain and I feel guilty and confused, are we right for each other? I don’t know anymore, but I do know that while I’m still infatuated by my LO, I can’t 100% focus on my marriage. I would talk to her about it and be prepared for the answers. If it gives you any solace, I want to find my way back, I just don’t have the know how yet and she may be the same.

One more thing now I have thought of it, have you both explored why she had the EA? The reason may be surprising, initially I blamed my wife’s lack of emotional connection (she is avoidant) however, while that hasn’t helped, I realise I am carrying wounds that cause me to need constant external validation. We were going through a rough patch in our marriage and there she was, ready to provide that external validation.

marko
Posts: 1657
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: Carrying on with SO when you don’t feel it

Post by marko »

Mezzer wrote:
Tue Feb 11, 2020 5:59 pm
Hi Marko, thank you for taking the time to reply, you are right, no amount of external validation ever seems to fill the bucket. Can I ask how long you were with your SO? And are you still together. I have been with mine 16 years, I had never looked for for someone else, but last year my LO found me. I feel like a fraud too, but I want to be self dependent so I can love in a real authentic way. I’m seeing a therapist and what to make this change, I want to be happy again and be a good partner in a mutually fulfilling relationship. I’m not afraid of hard work, I’m afraid of living a life other than my best
Looking back I always loved limereantly and sought out validation from these relationships, while sensing it wasn't right. I've been married for 26 years and married because I got her pregnant and was infatuated and seemed like a great idea. I never forgot the first big LO and was just dumped by a person I was crazy about. The wife was a rebound. We didn't bond fully, me a limerent and her whatever combined with regret and anger. The 3 subsequent children became my escape and affirmation. I now remember pulling away a long time ago. I didn't trust her as she wasn't a good mother--hard worker, but the kids and I were in the way of all happiness. I was too scared to do anything as I wanted the happy home and too poor to be alone. Kids grow up, I sense the pain, dad dies and mid life crashes. LO compliments me and I loose my mind. Love, last chance, no one other than my disappearing kids likes me, I'm desperate. I fall apart realizing all my problems, guilt, usuall rollercoaster. Look back over life, realize I'm an anxious avoidant and don't trust people. Did some therapy, knowing only confirmed what I suspected. So here I am. No longer limerent just trying to help and find out how others grow and disintegrate here.

AnnieKaye9924
Posts: 311
Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2019 8:22 pm
Canada

Re: Carrying on with SO when you don’t feel it

Post by AnnieKaye9924 »

Marko.....:(

Thank you for your insight.

John
Posts: 96
Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2019 3:14 pm
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United States of America

Re: Carrying on with SO when you don’t feel it

Post by John »

Mezzer wrote:
Wed Feb 12, 2020 6:16 am
Hi John,
John wrote:
Wed Feb 12, 2020 1:25 am
I can't help wonder if the LE is still affecting her or has somehow changed her opinion of me. I'm curious to see what others have to say about this.
One more thing now I have thought of it, have you both explored why she had the EA? The reason may be surprising, initially I blamed my wife’s lack of emotional connection (she is avoidant) however, while that hasn’t helped, I realise I am carrying wounds that cause me to need constant external validation. We were going through a rough patch in our marriage and there she was, ready to provide that external validation.
Mezzer, We went to individual and couples counseling and that was a help for a while. Now, she seems to be over the EA but I still sense a lack of affection from her. I am working hard, reading books and watching podcasts on marriage. She seems to do nothing to try to improve things. I know she has many FOO issues and also needs constant attention and external validation. I am avoidant.

You or you wife, or both, might want to check out marriagehelper.com. There are some good videos explaining limerence, affairs and the recovery.

L-F
Posts: 3072
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Carrying on with SO when you don’t feel it

Post by L-F »

Don't give up hope.

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.
Last edited by L-F on Fri Feb 14, 2020 8:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
Learn to forgive...Life is too short to live with hate.
"Everything is within your power, and your power is within you." Janice Trachtman

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