Going NC with messages for a while

A tough thing to do - the pros and cons
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WishMagick
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Going NC with messages for a while

Post by WishMagick »

Going to make a thread about it here to keep me on track.

Last text message I sent him was December 29th - not even tempted to text him on his phone (but WILL in a split second if it's an emergency about his children since I watch them sometimes).

Last FB message was February 5th - this is going to be hard. This has been my main method of communication with him. Whenever I see him in person, we don't usually talk to each other much. We only have in person, real conversations once a month, maybe. So, cutting this out is going to cut out most of our contact. 8-|

I am doubting if I can do this.
I want to try for ONE month. GASP!

I'll re-evaluate if I want to keep on going with this after a whole month has passed. It seems a bit weird to me because I am attempting a friendship with him. But he obviously sees me as a very, very casual friend. So I should also be that. Casual. Everything I do seems forced to me. Especially because he never reaches out to me first.

Part of the reason I want to try this is to see if he will (reach out to me first)...
I know that is not a really good reason to go NC / LC or anything similar. But, I'm hoping it will be a wake up call that will help me see that he doesn't think I'm special and he doesn't like me beyond a casual and friendly way (which I know deep down inside, I'm just looking for proof).

This isn't really NC though, as I am sure that I will be talking to him at some point. I don't think not messaging will be a problem for me until I feel like I NEED to tell him something. I'll have a talk with myself to say that I don't need to. And if something needs to be communicated to him, I can tell my husband to message him. Or I can message his wife to relay something. I just need to avoid directly contacting him.
Last edited by WishMagick on Tue Mar 03, 2020 2:45 am, edited 2 times in total.
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

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WishMagick
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Re: Going NC with messages for a while...

Post by WishMagick »

While I am still holding strong on not messaging him, a couple of things happened today that just shows that NC is impossible for me in my situation...

He texted me. Sort of.

He created a group text with me and my DH a while back, so technically he texted both me and my husband. And I had to text him back because he asked about his children and my husband was too busy to answer.

His children were at my house this evening and I watched them while he cooked dinner for them.

He came to my house to get his sons for dinner. So, I saw him. I talked to him. He kept thanking me over and over and seemed very grateful (just like I did when he went out of his way to pick up beds for my sons!!!) He was asking me questions and he was smiling a TON. An amazing shy smile. (that I don't see him ever give anyone else). He also HAD to bring up his workouts (he does this a lot). He picked both of his sons up at the same time and carried them out and he told me it was his second workout of the day.

He was so gorgeous (eyes sparkling, amazing shy smile, and how he always lowers his voice around me and he sounds so sexy) this evening that it was PAINFUL not to say something outrageously inappropriate to him. But I didn't. Though, I was probably staring. And I'm not even sure if he notices me staring at him because I am too busy looking at him from head to toe.

My husband was in our sons' playroom and he didn't come out to monitor what was happening with me and LO. Which was surprising.

So yeah, no messaging first on my part, but I had a rather large hit of LO today. Way more than I get from our online conversations...
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

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WishMagick
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Re: Going NC with messages for a while...

Post by WishMagick »

Ughhhh!!

I'm so tempted to message him today!!
It's because I saw him yesterday and it was so brief, but so good. Isn't it so ridiculous that such a brief and seemingly meaningless encounter with our LOs are turned into the biggest drug hits ever??

I am still on a pretty serious high from the attention he gave me yesterday and just remembering what he looked and sounded like.

Then my dream about him isn't helping.

I want to message him and tell him about my dream. But I won't. That would be the start of giving away too much. It wasn't a sex dream or anything. We were just talking about something interesting. Felt like a real conversation we would have.

I worry that if I hold back messaging him that it will increase my chances of blurting out something embarrassing to him in person!!

Oh boy do I have to distract myself today from messaging him!! This is so hard!! It hasn't even been a week yet!! It will be on Wednesday.
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

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Re: Going NC with messages for a while...

Post by WishMagick »

Today marks one week since I've messaged him in our FB chat. It feels like so much longer than that. I am still pretty itchy, even though I don't really have anything to say to him. So I recognize that I am just feening for a hit. And I am also recognizing that the high I get from messaging him is not as monumental as the high I get from seeing him in person in combination with him smiling at me and asking me questions. That is the ultimate combination for me.

So overall, not chatting with him online should be sustainable for me. I have to believe that I can keep this up.

It doesn't matter what he thinks, but, I bet at this point he doesn't even notice that I have not reached out to him - and that it's been a week.

Something tells me that if I can make it to one month (and I don't see him much inbetween or if our in-person encounters are positive for him) he might notice that I haven't reached out to him.

I was consistently messaging him about once per week. At times twice per week. If he had come to expect it, then after a month he might notice.

This is definitely more of a test than anything.
A test for me to see if I have the resolve to stay away on the internet. And a test for him to see if he ever reaches out first.

I don't think he will.
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

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Re: Going NC with messages for a while...

Post by WishMagick »

I'm starting to think this is really silly.

I saw him again today. I was at his house with his wife, their children and my children. Then he came home from work. We interacted a little.
I didn't get a super dopamine hit. I think it's because he behaves differently around me when our spouses are around. When I saw him on Monday he was all smiles and eye sparkles because no other adult was in the room with us.

LO and his wife were bickering with each other in front of me. They have done this one other time a few months back. I never know what to do when that happens. I make it look like I'm not paying attention. I try to fade into the background. Haha!

He is still liking my posts on FB. Yet he won't message me.
I still don't think he will.

And if he does, then I don't think I'll be going in the right direction with this anymore.

Even though it is silly to go NC with messages and still see him and interact with him in person, I think I should still hold off for a month. I want to see it through. I think if I make it through, and he doesn't message me. I'll be that much closer to ending this LE and finally be a real friend to him (a friend that doesn't want to have sex with him).
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

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WishMagick
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Re: Going NC with messages for a while...

Post by WishMagick »

It will be 2 weeks on Wednesday since I've messaged him on FB. Still haven't texted him on his phone (will be 2 months next Saturday).

I am not dying to message him. I don't feel tempted. I'm not sure it's because I saw him in person a LOT last week (we even talked, alone) or that I just don't have anything to say to him when he's not around.

I hope it's the last thing. That would be good and it would make this NC with messages seem less silly.

I would usually be messaging him about now because I don't think I've gone longer than 2 weeks without reaching out to him. I still wonder if he'll notice.

I don't think I will ever know if he notices because he won't ever message me first.
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

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WishMagick
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Re: Going NC with messages for a while...

Post by WishMagick »

Why is this so difficult???

I don't even have anything to say to him, really...
I just CRAVE contact. I CRAVE his attention.
I want him to notice that I am not giving him attention anymore and I want him to reach out to me!!!

He has before!!!!
So long ago. I can't help but wonder what is different. I think maybe because back then he didn't realize that I had a thing for him, and now he probably has a feeling that I do. And he just trusts it. And he doesn't want to "lead me on". Good man.

I can't seem to trust my feelings that he is physically attracted to me. I am forever searching for "proof".

What the hell would I do with that knowledge if I had this "proof" that I am looking for?? The only thing that would count as proof is if he came on to me. Which he would NEVER do, in a million years. Maybe if he was DRUNK. But, he doesn't drink (just an assumption based on one of his old blog posts...I don't know for sure). Or if he complimented my physical appearance. Which I also believe would never happen.

If he never contacts me, does it mean that I am wrong about everything? Even if he sees me in person and initiates conversations with me (which he does, and he's been doing that a lot lately)?

I'm not officially at the 2 week mark and I am in agony!!!! All because I don't have his attention. Even after telling myself that I DON'T NEED HIS ATTENTION. I don't believe myself.

I was sitting in my living room today and he looked into MY window as I was looking out at him...
He just stared at me!!!!

He sees me staring at him, and he STARES right back!!! I can't even keep my eyes on him when he does it!!! This staring at me thing is new for him, as he used to avoid looking at me at all.

I wonder what would happen if I didn't break my glance!!!!! FUCK!!!
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

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Sara
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Re: Going NC with messages for a while...

Post by Sara »

Im sorry for your pain :(
It must be difficult to live next door you cant escape him...
He must have realised you give him attention and he likes it.. doesnt mean he wants to act on it.. but it might happen if you become closer and have moments when its only the 2 of you...
My gut feeling is that you should put the breaks on your family friendship now or it can become out of control

Sending strength to u!!
LO: happily married 34, ex co-worker
Me: happily married 32, 2 kids.
Limerence since sept 2015 (codependent ? Platonic friendship?)

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WishMagick
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Re: Going NC with messages for a while...

Post by WishMagick »

Sara wrote:
Wed Feb 19, 2020 10:43 am
He must have realised you give him attention and he likes it.. doesnt mean he wants to act on it..
Yeah. Seems that way to me as well.

But, he must not like my attention that much. It's been 2 weeks today since I've messaged him on FB and he isn't reaching out. I suppose he knows full well what that would mean, and he won't let himself do that. I'm sure he doesn't want me to think what I would think if he did. So he likes my attention enough to try to get it in person, but not enough to get it any way he can.

I feel like I can't stop the direction things are heading. It doesn't feel dangerous to me at the moment.
Although, it makes me kind of nervous when he shares emotional things with me because I didn't think he would ever do that. For months he would only talk to my husband about that kind of stuff, and kept conversations really shallow with me.

I know I have a choice in all this, but, I want to understand him! He confuses me (not just what he thinks about me) in general! I want to try to figure him out!

But thank you, Sara, for sending me strength. I need it!
I'm going to continue not messaging him for at least another 2 weeks. And there's a chance I won't see him that much at all this weekend. He keeps himself and his family VERY busy. That's what I need to do. Fill my schedule so I don't have a moment to think about him. :ymsigh:
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

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WishMagick
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Re: Going NC with messages for a while...

Post by WishMagick »

Why am I torturing myself about this / with this?

It's been 2 weeks and 1 day since we've chatted and I keep checking his active status on messenger and he's been on a lot more than usual.

I keep hoping that he is checking to see if I am online and that he's holding back messaging me. Because if he was actually doing that, it would mean that he is limerent for me. Why do I want that???? I don't really want that. Not logically.

And I know he's not. It's very clear that he's not.
I keep hoping and wishing that he will message me. If I held my breath until he did that - I WOULD SURELY DIE!!

He's not going to.
It's all I want right now. I just want him to message me. Anything. Doesn't even have to be words. He could send me a meme. A photo. An emoji. Anything!!

Ughhhhh!!! I also have a social media addiction that I need to kick. I should start there and it will support my NC with messages.

Problem is, being on and posting on social media is needed for my music career!!! FML!!
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

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