- Posts: 43
- Joined: Fri Feb 07, 2020 12:26 am
- Age: 57
Backing up, I can remember three childhood crushes wish I remember to this day as being particularly strong. At the time, I'm not sure they were limerence, but I remember the girls and particularly the almost agonizing feeling I had about them. I was a very shy kid and have always been very much a loner. I never worked up the courage to ask any of them out. Then there was a big gap until I met my now wife who I now have been married to for 34 years. While we've been married I have had two other occasions where I was absolutely consumed by emotions for two other women who probably knew I had a thing for them, but it never came out in a discussion. It has been many years since the second woman without any issues; although, I still remember both of them and the pain I had in dealing with my emotions. I never wanted it to happen again.
Unfortunately, it has. And in a big way!! As I said she works for me and we end up spending a lot of time together traveling and being together. I currently have her on an expat assignment in the Netherlands and when I am there we spend every evening together having dinner and usually drinking. When she is back in the states we do the same thing and hang out together on weekends. Due to my job, my Wife lives on the east coast and I live on the west coast so I actually have more time to spend with my LO than my wife which really hasn't helped. To make a long story short, it hit me like a brick late last November/early December. I tried to control it and nothing worked. I thought about her all day every day. Because we have a lot of work to do, we text a lot. The texts turned less work focused, but I wouldn't say flirty until she accidentally sent me a string of emoji's and one was a kiss. She immediately apologized for the typo, but I built up the courage to ask if it was truly a mistake which she confirmed. I didn't want to mess up our friendship so I turned back to platonic messages, but I could tell she was becoming much more cautious and starting to draw "subtle" boundaries. I got paranoid and now started to act like an idiot. She finally confronted me about it a few weeks ago and I confessed that I had developed feelings for her. She was very upset at a million levels and I felt horrible. I've tried several times to go back to friendship and apologize, but I just kept making it worse. She keeps responding that she "does not no how to respond at the moment" which kills me, because I feel like there might be something there.
I know from previous times this just sucks, but this one is way beyond the previous ones. I just feel so desperate, hurt, alone, depressed, sad and plain miserable. I feel horrible for her. She is an excellent employee, very well accomplished, confident and now confused with where I have brought this. She is 20 years younger than me and deserves so much. I'm so afraid she will quit and I won't see her again, but as painful as that would be, it's probably the best thing in the long run. i can't wait to get over this and I hope it NEVER happens again.
Just reading all the posts and how others feel, makes me feel a little better knowing I'm not some anomaly. It is incredible how similarly others explain what they are going through!! Today clicking on the word of the day might have been the luckiest thing that has happened to me in a long time.
LO is single - 37 yrs old - works for me
- Posts: 827
- Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2019 8:00 pm
- Location: Wonderland
It sounds very complicated. As things like this usually are.
I really understand how you are feeling. The desperation, the depression, feeling miserable. It's definitely not a fun part of this. You are clearly not alone in feeling this way.
I hope that you can find this forum to be helpful for you!
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."