Some small satisfaction in being vindicated

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Cookie
Posts: 1105
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Some small satisfaction in being vindicated

Post by Cookie »

I'll try to keep this short.

I've looked at my mom as the root of my limerence, understanding that her behaviors are largely a product of her own dysfunctional upbringing. She has three brothers--let's call them Frank, Harry, and John, in chronological order. Her brother Frank molested her when they were young, something that I didn't learn until recently. Harry was psychologically abusive to everyone, especially women. John was much younger and seemed like a "good guy" to me. Until Frank got sick and John swept in to change the will so that Frank's sizable estate went all to himself instead of the trust specifically set up for the nieces and nephews (me included).

Despite knowing that John had done this, my mom continued to have contact with him and his families (several marriages, divorces, etc.). I was told that it was "only money" and I shouldn't worry about it. Nothing was ever mentioned again about what had happened, and I stood silent. She went out of her way to share updates about John and his kin, and I was forced to listen. Standing silent.

That all changed yesterday.

Apparently John couldn't keep up with the taxes from one of the properties he inherited (stole) from the estate, and hired a lawyer to come after my mom for the arrears--even though she has NEVER had ownership, title, or deed to said property. Mom told me this on the phone yesterday, and she thankfully had the wherewithal to contact an attorney of her own, who is handling the matter.

She was in shock. I was not. And falling just short of an "I told you so" moment, I finally--after 25 years--got to express my distrust and dislike of John, who in my esteem is a sociopath. Worse yet is he got his son, my mom's beloved nephew, in cahoots with him to try to get her money.

There's no glory in this vindication. But it does demonstrate that I've tried to have boundaries all along. I've just had to battle my own parent to keep them up. And after yesterday, I feel incredible sympathy for her and a strong desire to be her protector. I also feel an overwhelming need to maintain integrity in my own family. Starting with me.
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Acrobatica
Posts: 701
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm
France

Re: Some small satisfaction in being vindicated

Post by Acrobatica »

Sending you strength Cookie!

It is very hard to protect someone who does not want to be protected. In this situation, my mother would beg for my help, and if I helped, and anything did not go exactly how she wanted, it would be entirely my fault. Anything that went well would be because of her brilliance. So I watch my mom stumble around getting screwed by everyone around her constantly and I refuse to help. (Because she idealizes new people before she decides they are evil-I was so relieved when I found out this behavior has a name- splitting).

I have no idea if you’re mom is anything like mine. My moms sister also took my mom’s inheritance both from her parents and their other sister. I tried to help at that time (15 years ago), and did, profoundly, but still got burned. It was so freaking stressful.

Just sharing my story in case there are parallels for you. My advice. Save yourself first. Only help your mom out if you are sure you have the emotional capacity to do so.

I am so done saving other people from their own misery, however much I feel absolutely compelled sometimes to do so.

Support to you!!!

Cookie
Posts: 1105
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: Some small satisfaction in being vindicated

Post by Cookie »

Acrobatica wrote:
Mon Feb 03, 2020 8:02 pm
Sending you strength Cookie!

It is very hard to protect someone who does not want to be protected.

It was so freaking stressful.

My advice. Save yourself first. Only help your mom out if you are sure you have the emotional capacity to do so.

I am so done saving other people from their own misery, however much I feel absolutely compelled sometimes to do so.
Many thanks, Acrobatica. :ymhug:

Everything you say here is true!

I don't know if I have the emotional capacity to "save" her, but I also heard her express her anger and disappointment with these awful family members for the first time ever. And the fact she contacted an attorney instead of just writing her brother a check is HUGE.

But yeah, I hear you. It is freaking stressful. And I am sooooo tired.
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