"Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

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Maddie
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Re: "Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by Maddie »

Maddie wrote:
Fri Feb 07, 2020 12:43 am
Cookie wrote:
Thu Feb 06, 2020 11:01 pm
JohnDeux wrote:
Thu Feb 06, 2020 12:37 am
As a consequence, we accumulate experiences that must remain hidden.
Yep! Taking that a step further, we harbor a compulsion to continue hiding things (making new secrets).
yes, I've also thought this to be the case.
I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

NoDayDreaming

Re: "Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by NoDayDreaming »

Cookie wrote:
Thu Feb 06, 2020 11:01 pm
JohnDeux wrote:
Thu Feb 06, 2020 12:37 am
As a consequence, we accumulate experiences that must remain hidden.
Yep! Taking that a step further, we harbor a compulsion to continue hiding things (making new secrets). And feel dead inside without them and their associated adrenaline.
Excellent discussion!

i noticed myself early on in my childhood that breaking rules and keeping secrets made me feel alive. i was ethically rigid, so my rule breaking was relatively harmless, the worst offense was steeling some cool reagents from the school chemical lab supply room for my own home chemistry lab. later in life, i was drawn to high risk behaviors, for some of those i paid dearly (car wrecks and financial loses).

i think this exactly type of thing draws some people to crime.

this also may relate to the phenomenon of self stimulation in ADHD :
High-risk activities — driving fast, motorcycle riding, and waterskiing — motivate ADHD brains to focus. Some extreme activities, like daring ski jumps, sky-diving, or taking fast-acting street drugs, elicit a dopamine spike, the brain’s most intense reward. Some ADHD brains have benefited from the greater dopamine involvement that is intrinsic to high-intensity, high-risk careers, like those of emergency medical technicians, firemen, and ER doctors.

However, nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, opiates, risky sex, pornography, gambling, physical risk-taking, reckless driving, and compulsive buying increase dopamine even more. In fact, all substances or behaviors that can ultimately result in dependencies have the ability to increase the release of impulse-reinforcing dopamine, and reduce the impulse-inhibiting effects of serotonin.
from: https://www.additudemag.com/brain-stimu ... egulation/

i'm not saying that i or many of you have diagnosable ADHD. many other psychologic/psychiatric disorders have similar deficits in executive functioning: ASD, BP, BPD, anxiety, etc.

so, coming back to the initial premise, yes, the stimulation craving brain will downplay and break common sense boundaries to be able to pursue illicit and secret relationships (LE or PA), or new relationship (NRE), if only inside the brain, to get our dopamine fix.

in that sense, there is another connection between the need to secrecy and poor boundaries.

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Sara
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Re: "Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by Sara »

I never thought about it.
But yeah thanks it gives me greater understanding.
My relationship with Lo is a secret for my husband he doesnt know about him he doesnt want me to have any male friend and after so many years it is now to awkward to talk about him. We became close with LO thats the new reality.
I kept this secret because I breached that boundary with my husband first.
now his So wants to know me and my husband... i feel "trapped"
Thats the problem with secrets they never stay secrets isnt it??
LO: happily married 34, ex co-worker
Me: happily married 32, 2 kids.
Limerence since sept 2015 (codependent ? Platonic friendship?)

L-F
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Re: "Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by L-F »

Sara wrote:
Sun Feb 09, 2020 11:29 am
I kept this secret because I breached that boundary with my husband first.
Great insight and powerfully put.
Sara wrote:
Sun Feb 09, 2020 11:29 am
Thats the problem with secrets they never stay secrets isnt it??
Isn't that the truth!

..............

I'm pretty good at [have strong boundaries for] keeping other people's secrets (so long as it's not about harming anyone or breaking the law). Regarding affairs friends have, I don't get involved, meaning I would keep it a secret, however I'd distance myself from said friend/s because their behaviour shows me they aren't my kind of people. Nothing wrong with them per se, the behavior itself triggers my PTSD, and besides that, our values don't match.

I don't have a great deal of secrets because I don't feel I need to be overly protected. You know that old saying about glass houses and people throwing stones. Even told adults I was abused however soon learned not to trust them. They are either doing it or ignoring it.

Thank goodness things have changed in our society and children have more of a voice.
Learn to forgive...Life is too short to live with hate.
"Everything is within your power, and your power is within you." Janice Trachtman

L-F
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Re: "Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by L-F »

Just going to add before anyone attacks me for sitting on a high horse. The highly prized value I desire and expect from a partner, which is reciprocated, is loyalty, followed by trust, honesty and all the other wonderful things we like to have in a relationship. Many people who have been cheated on place this high on their list too when looking for a new partner (because they know the pain of being cheated on). Once bitten twice shy and all. I don't need a partner to cheat on me in order to value loyalty, my parents cheated me. Their behaviour shaped my values.

If SO cheated on me I don't think I could live with him. If I cheated I couldn't live with myself (probably why I ran from lim feelings).

If someone cheats, that's their business, they are neither good nor bad, better or worse, just as having loyalty as my top value doesn't make me good or bad, better or worse. It just means we have different values. And as my father would often say "birds of a feather flock together".
Learn to forgive...Life is too short to live with hate.
"Everything is within your power, and your power is within you." Janice Trachtman

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Sara
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Re: "Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by Sara »

Just to add L-F what is cheating?
Having a secret friend is not necessarily cheating
I havent crossed the physical line and i dont feel i have cheated on my husband
But maybe ppl have different opinion?
LO: happily married 34, ex co-worker
Me: happily married 32, 2 kids.
Limerence since sept 2015 (codependent ? Platonic friendship?)

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