"Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
Cookie
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"Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by Cookie »

I just finished watching "Transparent" on Amazon Prime, and all I can say is WOW.

The quote about "secrets" really resonated with me, as did SO MUCH else with this wonderful series.

Limerence is also mentioned, although not defined or described in the deeper way we understand it here.

An honest, gutsy approach to addressing sexuality and relationship/family dynamics. It truly brought me a sense of peace. It does not vilify.
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Idiotic
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Re: "Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by Idiotic »

Couldnt catch the last season, but the first two were excellent. Love everyone in it. Jill soloway is great.
I keep dancing on my own - Robyn

Cookie
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Re: "Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by Cookie »

Idiotic wrote:
Sun Feb 02, 2020 7:16 pm
Couldnt catch the last season, but the first two were excellent. Love everyone in it. Jill soloway is great.
I liked all four and have mixed feelings about the finale. Ironically, some real-life boundary issues on the set precipitated the ending.

Anyway, yes! The cast starts to feel like family.
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peter.rabbit
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Re: "Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by peter.rabbit »

Sounds like an interesting series.
Secrets are a substitute for boundaries.



I'm feeling a bit 'dense' today, what does that statement mean?
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein

JupiterTaco
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Re: "Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by JupiterTaco »

Huh, I'll have to watch it.
"A woman is a strong, beautiful, vibrant creature. A woman embraces life. A woman makes choices to make her life better."-Glenn Quagmire

Cookie
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Re: "Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by Cookie »

peter.rabbit wrote:
Sun Feb 02, 2020 9:00 pm
Sounds like an interesting series.
Secrets are a substitute for boundaries.



I'm feeling a bit 'dense' today, what does that statement mean?
Boundaries are limits, controls. They provide structure. In dysfunctional patterns, we use secrets to do the same thing. An example would be a child who does not have the power to set boundaries with an unhealthy adult, so they keep abuse and neglect a secret. In a sense they maintain control so they are not subject to questions, doubt, blame, etc. and the risk of "messing up" the household dynamic. In limerent situations, we sometimes retain control by compartmentalizing our little world with the LO rather than drawing boundaries with ourselves, a spouse, other family members, etc. In retrospect, I think a lot of my secrecy with the LO world was a bubble created to avoid boundaries in the rest of my life.

That's what I take it to mean anyway!
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peter.rabbit
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Re: "Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by peter.rabbit »

Interesting response- thank you! ;)
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein

JohnDeux
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Re: "Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by JohnDeux »

Cookie wrote:
Mon Feb 03, 2020 1:27 am

Boundaries are limits, controls. They provide structure. In dysfunctional patterns, we use secrets to do the same thing. An example would be a child who does not have the power to set boundaries with an unhealthy adult, so they keep abuse and neglect a secret. In a sense they maintain control so they are not subject to questions, doubt, blame, etc. and the risk of "messing up" the household dynamic. In limerent situations, we sometimes retain control by compartmentalizing our little world with the LO rather than drawing boundaries with ourselves, a spouse, other family members, etc. In retrospect, I think a lot of my secrecy with the LO world was a bubble created to avoid boundaries in the rest of my life.

That's what I take it to mean anyway!

This whole answer....spot on! I grew up thinking 'secrets' were the only way to stay sane....to keep friends without losing them if they knew what a mess our family was, to keep an inner fantasy world alive that my family didn't know about so that I wouldn't mentally and emotionally implode, etc. I guess I would rephrase the quotation to say that secrets are what we almost necessarily *must* keep when we have no or poor boundaries, either due to lack of control in that department or due to being powerless to other's encroachment upon them. As a consequence, we accumulate experiences that must remain hidden.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

Cookie
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Re: "Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by Cookie »

JohnDeux wrote:
Thu Feb 06, 2020 12:37 am
As a consequence, we accumulate experiences that must remain hidden.
Yep! Taking that a step further, we harbor a compulsion to continue hiding things (making new secrets). And feel dead inside without them and their associated adrenaline.
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Maddie
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Re: "Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by Maddie »

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Last edited by Maddie on Sat Feb 08, 2020 10:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

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