Information: Please take a moment and visit your profile to choose a flag.

"Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
Cookie
Posts: 843
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

"Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by Cookie » Sun Feb 02, 2020 6:46 pm

I just finished watching "Transparent" on Amazon Prime, and all I can say is WOW.

The quote about "secrets" really resonated with me, as did SO MUCH else with this wonderful series.

Limerence is also mentioned, although not defined or described in the deeper way we understand it here.

An honest, gutsy approach to addressing sexuality and relationship/family dynamics. It truly brought me a sense of peace. It does not vilify.
Person

Idiotic
Posts: 1827
Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2017 7:58 am

Re: "Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by Idiotic » Sun Feb 02, 2020 7:16 pm

Couldnt catch the last season, but the first two were excellent. Love everyone in it. Jill soloway is great.
I keep dancing on my own - Robyn

Cookie
Posts: 843
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: "Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by Cookie » Sun Feb 02, 2020 8:05 pm

Idiotic wrote:
Sun Feb 02, 2020 7:16 pm
Couldnt catch the last season, but the first two were excellent. Love everyone in it. Jill soloway is great.
I liked all four and have mixed feelings about the finale. Ironically, some real-life boundary issues on the set precipitated the ending.

Anyway, yes! The cast starts to feel like family.
Person

peter.rabbit
Posts: 181
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2019 12:27 am
United States of America

Re: "Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by peter.rabbit » Sun Feb 02, 2020 9:00 pm

Sounds like an interesting series.
Secrets are a substitute for boundaries.



I'm feeling a bit 'dense' today, what does that statement mean?
Married.
In LE with married LO :-\

JupiterTaco
Posts: 4056
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: "Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by JupiterTaco » Sun Feb 02, 2020 11:32 pm

Huh, I'll have to watch it.
Own your shadows or they'll own you.

Cookie
Posts: 843
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: "Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by Cookie » Mon Feb 03, 2020 1:27 am

peter.rabbit wrote:
Sun Feb 02, 2020 9:00 pm
Sounds like an interesting series.
Secrets are a substitute for boundaries.



I'm feeling a bit 'dense' today, what does that statement mean?
Boundaries are limits, controls. They provide structure. In dysfunctional patterns, we use secrets to do the same thing. An example would be a child who does not have the power to set boundaries with an unhealthy adult, so they keep abuse and neglect a secret. In a sense they maintain control so they are not subject to questions, doubt, blame, etc. and the risk of "messing up" the household dynamic. In limerent situations, we sometimes retain control by compartmentalizing our little world with the LO rather than drawing boundaries with ourselves, a spouse, other family members, etc. In retrospect, I think a lot of my secrecy with the LO world was a bubble created to avoid boundaries in the rest of my life.

That's what I take it to mean anyway!
Person

peter.rabbit
Posts: 181
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2019 12:27 am
United States of America

Re: "Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by peter.rabbit » Mon Feb 03, 2020 4:40 am

Interesting response- thank you! ;)
Married.
In LE with married LO :-\

JohnDeux
Posts: 1964
Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:42 pm

Re: "Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by JohnDeux » Thu Feb 06, 2020 12:37 am

Cookie wrote:
Mon Feb 03, 2020 1:27 am

Boundaries are limits, controls. They provide structure. In dysfunctional patterns, we use secrets to do the same thing. An example would be a child who does not have the power to set boundaries with an unhealthy adult, so they keep abuse and neglect a secret. In a sense they maintain control so they are not subject to questions, doubt, blame, etc. and the risk of "messing up" the household dynamic. In limerent situations, we sometimes retain control by compartmentalizing our little world with the LO rather than drawing boundaries with ourselves, a spouse, other family members, etc. In retrospect, I think a lot of my secrecy with the LO world was a bubble created to avoid boundaries in the rest of my life.

That's what I take it to mean anyway!

This whole answer....spot on! I grew up thinking 'secrets' were the only way to stay sane....to keep friends without losing them if they knew what a mess our family was, to keep an inner fantasy world alive that my family didn't know about so that I wouldn't mentally and emotionally implode, etc. I guess I would rephrase the quotation to say that secrets are what we almost necessarily *must* keep when we have no or poor boundaries, either due to lack of control in that department or due to being powerless to other's encroachment upon them. As a consequence, we accumulate experiences that must remain hidden.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

Cookie
Posts: 843
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: "Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by Cookie » Thu Feb 06, 2020 11:01 pm

JohnDeux wrote:
Thu Feb 06, 2020 12:37 am
As a consequence, we accumulate experiences that must remain hidden.
Yep! Taking that a step further, we harbor a compulsion to continue hiding things (making new secrets). And feel dead inside without them and their associated adrenaline.
Person

Maddie
Posts: 1230
Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2018 1:09 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: "Secrets are a substitute for boundaries."

Post by Maddie » Fri Feb 07, 2020 12:43 am

.
Last edited by Maddie on Sat Feb 08, 2020 10:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
40, F
ex-LO, 51 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest