wife in limerent affair

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
L-F
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Re: wife in limerent affair

Post by L-F »

It also sounds like she wants you to rescue her.

Some women want their man to take the leading role and fight for them, as a way to prove they are worthy.

Much strength you.
Learn to forgive...Life is too short to live with hate.
"Everything is within your power, and your power is within you." Janice Trachtman

marko
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Re: wife in limerent affair

Post by marko »

Keep an ear out for the wanting to escape thing. Wanting to leave the current location may even sound nice as an LO distancing tool, and may be better, but I remember thinking all kinds of escapes. I really wanted to escape myself. Distancing everything seemed a good thing as I wouldn't need to deal with LO or others. I still was running from me.

John
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Re: wife in limerent affair

Post by John »

qwerty wrote: โ†‘
Wed Feb 12, 2020 8:41 am
John:
You are right about the thoughts going through my head.... The worst time is in the evening... I start to think about all these questions, my future plans are ruined, my past doesn't make sense anymore, I feel as if my wife has died and I don't know this person who looks like her. I am easily triggered for example if I'm watching TV and see people kissing... I can't stop reliving the events of that night when I found out.... I was completely broken.
querty, yes we have gone through a trauma and have a type of PTSD. I too am triggered by kissing and shows on TV involving affairs. Time will heal but don't put a limit on it. Also, it sounds like your wife is keeping you as a backup in case her LE falls apart. This is a very common thing. She cannot stand not having someone for validation. Stay strong and independent and she should respect you.

qwerty
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Re: wife in limerent affair

Post by qwerty »

Thanks for the replies.

L-F: I didn't mean to threaten her, but I think she is deep in the affair fog and does not have a good grasp of reality, and for that reason I don't trust her... so of course I will use a lawyer if she forces the divorce issue again, but I don't want a divorce. I believe she is not in her right mind and I do miss the love she gave me and the fun we had together, and I want that back. I know that if we get back together recovery will be a long and hard process that we both have to work on.
I don't think she knows about this forum. She is not a computer person at all, and I don't think she even knows what a forum is.

marko: What you say makes sense. She is the type of person who often gets herself into messy situations and then runs away instead of dealing with it. This why she cuts contact to people so suddenly, I've seen her do it to friends and family and other people before. She has also talked about "running away and joining an ashram" at some point during this, when she was discussing being in love with two persons at the same time...
However I also fear that she wants to leave with the LO. I cannot guess what she's thinking, and I don't want to ask her... But I think if she does then I am not going to go on waiting for her any longer.

The thing is, I think the fog is clouding her thinking so much, she does not have any realistic plans for how to move somewhere else or what are the real life implications of that... what she told me about her plans sounds like pure fantasy. Unless she is planning something else and is not being honest with me.

John: yes I think it is some form of PTSD and my therapist is specialist in trauma. I know that time will make it better... I do feel like I'm plan B and I'm trying to stop signaling that I'll always wait for her unconditionally. Not necessarily saying explicitly "I won't wait for you", but at least stop signaling "I will always wait for you"

I feel that her godmother's visit is going to have a big effect. But I cannot predict if it's going to be a positive or a negative effect... I think there will be some big drama next week and I hope I will be strong enough to cope with whatever hapens.

marko
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Re: wife in limerent affair

Post by marko »

It must be hard to fathom how strange this is. The delusional fog had me thinking all kinds of things. I was also sure that was the real me. One thinks of things like this and how one has to hit bottom, but for you to watch and hope for that would be hard. I was even sure I could weather the bottom as she was my rescue. It was sobering to me when I couldn't fit her into family events and how messed up my future would be in regards to my kids. I'm no hero, but felt like extra zero to my son. Take care as it unfolds.

qwerty
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Re: wife in limerent affair

Post by qwerty »

It's been a very long weekend. My W's godmother flew in from Denmark. She stayed at my W's flat. She found out the whole story: that we are living apart, that W is having an affair. She was very upset (but not angry) and told W that she can't do this to me, that she is a married woman and cannot go on doing this sort of thing. She told W "think about what you would be losing if you lose [me]..."

๐…๐ซ๐ข๐๐š๐ฒ: we met to celebrate my birthday. We were out in the city all day. It was nice. I got to talk briefly and privately with godmother during the day. She was very sympathetic to me, saying that she is sorry I have to go through this.

Then in the evening we were sitting at a cafe, and W said there was an "elephant in the room" and she decided to open up. She told me she realises that she has treated me horribly and caused me enormous pain, and she apologised for it. She said that the LO is out of town for a while (I didn't understand if he's moved out of the country, or is just away temporarily). But she said she needs to be alone in order to regain her self respect. She asked again for a divorce, which I gently refused to give her. Her godmother asked her "what would change if you get the divorce?" My wife said "Then people won't expect of me what they expect of a married woman." Her godmother asked "like what?" And W couldn't answer that, she seemed lost for words.

Her godmother convinced her that she should seek psychological help, and W agreed that she needs to do it as soon as possible. She said she needs help because she is constantly lying and creating multiple realities, and because she has impulses she cannot control.

W said she cannot be with me while we are living here, because "what if 'he' [LO] comes back..." I know what she means. She means she would be afraid of going out with me and risking that the AP sees us together. She started crying and her godmother asked why, and W said "I'm afraid of having that conversation with 'him' [the AP]". I think that even though he might have left the country, they didn't end things between them and she expected he will come back to see her. She said that she is in love and cannot just "stop it".

After she started talking about the things she felt went wrong in our relationship. I was listening very calmly and attentively. I was agreeing with the things I felt I could and should change, and calmly giving my point of view when I had another perception of how things happened. She talked about codependent behaviour and how she felt she became a parent to me. I said "But in our relationship, I became the parent." She was never able to hold down a job, or finish her education, and was highly dependent on me to take care of her. That was a huge revelation for her, and she felt she never realised I felt like that.

She also told me that she feels she gets very easily dependent on "testosterone" and that she felt I did not have enough of it. I didn't understand exactly what she meant as our sex life was pretty good. I interpreted "testosterone" as "male aggressiveness" (See later for the Monday discussion). I listened to all this very calmly. She said it is amazing that I can listen to calmly even when she has hurt me. She became very upset and we decided to call it a night and to continue next morning.

๐’๐š๐ญ๐ฎ๐ซ๐๐š๐ฒ: We met in the morning and started talking again. She seemed in a much better mood. We continued to talk about our relationship. Her godmother was listening to us and occasionaly asking questions. She was not attacking anyone but I could feel she was on my side. Later I took her godmother on a tour of the city while W stayed in a cafe. Godmother told me about the tough childhood that W had, with absent and irresponsible parents. She said she has seen many people with such childhoods having huge problems with attachement. She also agreed with me that W has a fragmented sense of reality (for example remembering events wrong or out of order, saying opposite things at different times). That was a relief for me because W made me feel many times that I was the confused one, but her godmother also noticed this. She said she knew W had serious trouble, but now she realised how severe they are. She was happy that I was taking care of myself and getting therapy. She also commented that W and I have been so in love and she was always amazed about how strong our relation has been, and that this was a total shock to her.

W rejoined us later and in the evening we were discussing things again. I told W that I do not wish for much right now except that we keep talking, because talking is the most important thing. The conversation took the form of hypotheticals, "if we are back together, would you change this and this, would you do this and this..."

๐’๐ฎ๐ง๐๐š๐ฒ: We were out in the city again. On Sunday we did not discuss anything related to the marriage. We just had a fun day. At the end of the day I said goodbye to her godmother who was leaving next morning. W told me she will let me know if we can meet on Monday.

๐Œ๐จ๐ง๐๐š๐ฒ: My wife told me she wants to see me after my therapy session. I met her in a cafe in the late afternoon. She seemed in a very good mood, giving me a big smile and hug when she saw me. She had bought me my favourite Indian food to take home for dinner, and a box of graphite pencils because she knew I'm taking drawing lessons. We talked about trivial stuff at first and then she was talking about deep things. Again she apologised and she said she realised she has done very egotistical things, but at the time when she did them she didn't understand how egotistical they were.

Again she changed her mind about divorce, and she didnt want it anymore. She said she looked it up and realised it was more complicated than she thought. She really just imagined sending an email to the town hall asking for it, and it would be done!

She said she is amazed at my transformation. She "joked" that now that she left, I'm becoming her dream man. She said "you know that you are amazing, and it's really not about that... " She said she feels pulled between two things that are hard to reconcile. On one hand, she wants "good, safe, responsible relationships" on the other hand she needs "testosterone" and what I interpreted to be "aggression". She said she knows the second thing is not good for her in the long run but she is unable to control her impulses and that it must be because of her dad issues. She said she is completely in love with the LO (it hurt me to hear that, but I didn't let it show, I was calm all the way through and told myself "limerence!" ). She said she is afraid if we get back together, that this will happen again. She asked me "do you think I'm unstable?" I did not answer the question, and she must have known that my answer would've been yes. But I said "I'm not a therapist, and I shouldn't be. It's good that you want to see a therapist". I had researched some therapists and gave her the numbers, and she said she will contact them asap. Again she said it was amazing she could talk to me about all these things and that she felt should could talk non-stop. When I left, she said she will write me, and again gave me a big hug. I hadn't felt so connected with her since our trip to Denmark during Christmas.

I'm in an incredibly good mood today, focusing on work, listening to music, I will go to the gym later... Whatever happens, I feel I'm getting to a better place in my life.

qwerty
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Re: wife in limerent affair

Post by qwerty »

Update: My wife told me the LO left the country, and that he will be away for a long time. For the past week, my wife has reestablished contact me me on daily basis. She initiates contact, she writes me multiple times a day. She asked to meet on Monday. She brought with her a card game I had given her, and some language texts I had prepared for her to help her learn my mother language... I felt that she was trying hard to reconnect with me. She looked extremely distraught about her life and lonely. She quit her "job" (the one that she wasn't getting paid for), and she said she feels extremely lost and cannot figure out what to do with her life. I suggested again she starts therapy and she used my phone to call and book and appointment.

But then relationship talk started again... She told me she really needs a divorce, because it is "haunting" her. When I tried to explain the consequences it would have on me she just said "i know and I'm sorry but I need it".. She seemed really confused though, she wants to be divorced only in her country but stay married in my country, and she asked me if in the future we are back together, if we could be together without being married... She said she hopes we can do it amicably because she doesn't want to lose me. At that moment I was thinking how in the last few months she was really pushing me away and treating me badly and now she's saying she doesn't want to lose me? I told her that I want us at some point to get couple counseling (I said "i know you don't want it now, but I hope we do it eventually"). She agreed that would be good but said she cannot do it now because "she is with someone else".

However our daily messages have become so friendly, she initiates and sends me jokes and youtube videos about things that interest me... I have no idea what's going on!

Is it possible that limerence is fading? Or is she in withdrawal because her LO is away? Anyway has any insight into what's happening?

John
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Re: wife in limerent affair

Post by John »

Querty, I'm not an expert but may have an explanation for your wife's behavior. If she is an anxiously attached style person, she may need constant attention and assurance that she is loved. If her lover is going away, she may be using you as insurance to give her that attention until he comes back (or in case he doesn't come back). You are the backup. Your other question about limerence fading could also be true. If she has been living with him and discovering his faults, limerence or NRE will eventually fade. It may take a year or more but eventually she will fail to get excited by him and will look elsewhere, or hopefully realize she made a mistake by leaving you. Good luck and try to give her the attention she is seeking.

qwerty
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Re: wife in limerent affair

Post by qwerty »

Dear John,

Thanks for your reply. I think you are right that she is anxiously attached. She was neglected as a child by a hoarder mother and narcissist father (who were separated since she was born), she moved out of her mother's place at 14.

She hasn't been living with LO, she has her own place. I don't know how often they saw each other. But what she told me is that she is attracted to two things that cannot be easily unified: good, safe, responsible relationships and that's me, and "testosterone" and that's the LO. I don't know what she means exactly by "testosterone", I think our sex life was pretty good before this started. I think she means some kind of dominant, maybe somewhat aggressive male energy.. and she said about it "I know it's not good for me".

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WishMagick
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Re: wife in limerent affair

Post by WishMagick »

qwerty wrote: โ†‘
Wed Mar 04, 2020 3:19 pm
I think she means some kind of dominant, maybe somewhat aggressive male energy.. and she said about it "I know it's not good for me".
I understand this so hard. For me, it reflects what I grew up with. Both of the male figures in my life (father, brother) were very aggressive and had very strong "masculine" energy. So, I also crave that in a romantic partner. And I ALSO want a man to be in touch with his feminine energy, sensitive, stable, understanding, etc. because that is what makes a good long term partner.

But, as far as sexual things go, a man with really high testosterone and a strong masculine energy will pull me in every time. But, someone like that who doesn't have the other qualities wouldn't make a good long term partner. It's for sex only.

Sigh. Women are so complicated, right?
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

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