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How do you define Low Contact?

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Pattihopeful
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How do you define Low Contact?

Post by Pattihopeful » Wed Jan 08, 2020 10:12 pm

I am expanding on this concept from another thread. For those of us who have LOs as co-workers etc, how would you define this?

For me, it is eliminating all but essential communication. So this gets tricky because our limerbrain wants contact with LO and will create reasons to communicate and we can deceive ourselves.
Last edited by Pattihopeful on Tue Jan 14, 2020 3:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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WishMagick
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Re: How do you define Low Contact?

Post by WishMagick » Wed Jan 08, 2020 11:16 pm

In a work situation, there are essential things to be communicated - so I agree with you about LC meaning eliminating all but that.

In my situation (next door neighbor) I'm finding there is no essential communication that needs to be had between us. It really sobers me up, and throws me into reality. Yes, our families interact all the time. But, we never NEED to talk to each other. And in my mind, it seems that he will ask my husband something before he asks me anything. He avoids being the first to ask me questions. It wasn't always that way. Our communication used to be unfettered (we would have normal conversations), but things have been different for a while now (he claims that it has nothing to do with me).

He feels no need to communicate with me. That is why I think he was / is intentionally avoiding me. 8-|
Sorry...went off on a tangent there...
Married - 38.5 yrs old
LO is married - 32 yrs old - lives next door!!!
Semi-LC. Slowly recovering.

I'm a SAHM and indie musician. "My unyielding melancholy brings all the existentialists to the yard"

Acrobatica
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Re: How do you define Low Contact?

Post by Acrobatica » Wed Jan 08, 2020 11:23 pm

I would define Low Contact two ways.

1) No discussing anything emotional or meaningful. Highly guarded and practical conversation.

And/or

2) Only contact every few weeks or months.

And as for experience, I was LC with my mother for years even decades. But it wasn't until I went totally NC with her that I started to understand all the ways that she was negatively affecting me. Something about NC really allowed me to see things more clearly, grieve, and focus on my own feelings.

Right now, I barely talk to NOT an LO. But he seems to reach out every few weeks or once a month. And it throws me every time. It takes a few days to regain equilibrium.

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Re: How do you define Low Contact?

Post by L-F » Thu Jan 09, 2020 2:24 am

Can men get blue waffles???

:-j

Is there a way you can do something physical when you start to feel a pull or butterflies, etc? Something that will snap you back to reality? I've posted a link to a rubberband technique which is designed to take you out of your own head and snap you back into reality. It could be used as a physical reminder to bring awareness to what territory you are walking into. Either the healing path or the lala-path.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog ... ubber-band

For me, I'd watch my how my body is reacting, such as blushing, dry mouth, etc, and then make it about the 'science' behind the heighten state. I'd make it about the physiological responses going on. This takes the emotion out of the feeling. Oh my hypothalamus is activated again and my sympathetic nervous system is sending signals through the autonomic nerves to the adrenal glands. No wonder my heart is beating faster than normal and I'm breathing more rapidly, because my glands are pumping the hormone epinephrine (also known as adrenaline) into the bloodstream. Cool! I like how my body responds in times of stress. Best I take some slow deep breaths to help me refocus and become grounded.

Idk. I'd try to step away from getting swept away by the emotions and either become an observer or justify whatever is happening with something non-emotive such as science.

Do you what you need to do to remain professional and aloof. If he gets personal have a few sentences up your sleeve and if you need to ask him anything, use closed-ended questions.

Anything to avoid chitchat. Even if it means visualizing him with a communicable disease on his private parts.
"What we all want, really, is to be loved.
That craving drives our worst behavior." Jodi Picoult
@};-

L-F
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Re: How do you define Low Contact?

Post by L-F » Thu Jan 09, 2020 2:26 am

As for my definition? Low contact means no unnecessary chitchat.
"What we all want, really, is to be loved.
That craving drives our worst behavior." Jodi Picoult
@};-

moonbeams1225
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Re: How do you define Low Contact?

Post by moonbeams1225 » Thu Jan 09, 2020 11:45 am

Low contact in my situation (I work with LO) is not going to his room and talking, not texting him after a meeting and telling him he looks good. I still stare at him at lunch, and if he messages me (he reaches out to me for support when his gf is a bitch), I will respond. It’s definitely not as high contact as I usually am, which is obsessively messaging him inappropriate sexual texts or love texts :( My LO has me by the neck because he just wants my friendship, but he lowkey enjoys my attention. If I went NC completely, and I have once, he will seek me out and want my attention back. I just don’t have the strength to do it.
Married with co-worker LO My current goal: NC until he gives me the attention I want ( never went longer than 4 days :-o and whenever I feel like contacting him, I will come here.

Pattihopeful
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Re: How do you define Low Contact?

Post by Pattihopeful » Thu Jan 09, 2020 1:02 pm

Great thoughts everyone. Thanks for sharing. LF, I will look at the rubber band technique. Sounds intriguing. I also like focusing on the physiological responses going on instead of the feelings. Also, is this taking me on a path toward healing or la la Land. La la Land feels so good and distracting from life's problems, but also comes with a high price and a crash. Thanks to all of you!!

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Sara
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Re: How do you define Low Contact?

Post by Sara » Thu Jan 09, 2020 2:22 pm

Interesting topic im trying to do that right now because i noticed a big imbalance between the number of times i reach to LO and the number oftimes he does (which is once a week to propose a lunch).
So it seems to work ive trained my brain to stopthe urge to reach outto him (which happens a few times a day 😬) thanks to a. my pride i dont want him to know how dependent i am on him and also im mortified to be seen as needy.. and b. My confidence that he likes me and wants to stay in touch.
so yes its working i dont reach out anymore. Its just him once a week. It feels good to be more in control!!
Maybe one day i will not need him anymore and limerence will fade ?! Its been more than 4years now 😬
limerence with former colleague since sept 2015

Pattihopeful
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Re: How do you define Low Contact?

Post by Pattihopeful » Thu Jan 09, 2020 2:28 pm

That is great progress, Sara. Thanks for sharing. Not reaching out is big.

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Re: How do you define Low Contact?

Post by mamasita » Thu Jan 09, 2020 3:14 pm

L-F wrote:
Thu Jan 09, 2020 2:24 am

For me, I'd watch my how my body is reacting, such as blushing, dry mouth, etc, and then make it about the 'science' behind the heighten state. I'd make it about the physiological responses going on. This takes the emotion out of the feeling. Oh my hypothalamus is activated again and my sympathetic nervous system is sending signals through the autonomic nerves to the adrenal glands. No wonder my heart is beating faster than normal and I'm breathing more rapidly, because my glands are pumping the hormone epinephrine (also known as adrenaline) into the bloodstream. Cool! I like how my body responds in times of stress. Best I take some slow deep breaths to help me refocus and become grounded.
I do something like this, but yours is more scientific...I love it! I'm saving that!

For me, low contact is never reaching out.
When limerence kicked into full overdrive, I was reaching out at least weekly. This is a family friend...someone I do not really EVER need to reach out to.
I actively decreased it, and after a couple of years making a fool out of myself, stopped reaching out completely. It's been two years since I sent a nude x_x and 3-4 months since the last disappointing encounter/conversation/whatever-the-f*** happens when we talk. We still run into each other every few months and I keep it super short with no deep gazing into his eyes and no attempting to talk about "before" or what I want out of "things". I keep everything to the surface of only the basic or necessary small talk. If I could avoid him forever I probably would.
He still makes me drool, I still get the butterflies, physical reaction. But I am able to just breathe and get past it without kicking myself back into ruminating, obsessing or over-thinking about him.

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