Information: Please take a moment and visit your profile to choose a flag.

Long story...

Tell us your story. What has been your experience?
Post Reply
User avatar
Xaphan
Posts: 5
Joined: Sun Nov 10, 2019 6:46 am
Gender:
United States of America

Long story...

Post by Xaphan » Sun Nov 10, 2019 8:41 am

I don't know how I should start this post so I'll just get straight to the point. I've been limerent for about a year, and I'm NC (with no chance of reestablishing) with my LO who turned out to be, to keep it PG, a rather uncrushable individual.

It started in October of last year when I moved to a new school. Everything was going fine, the teachers were nice and I felt as if this would be a suitable school for my special needs (autism). I saw this girl in one of my classes and thought something along the lines of "oh she's pretty cute" but it wasn't anything major. About two weeks later I'm still going to this class and I start to notice her more and more. I start to think about things like how good her outfit looks on her, her hairstyle, etc. Some more time goes by and its now November, and that's when I realized I have developed a crush on this girl. "No big deal," I thought. "This will fade soon enough."

Cut to the first day after winter break - I thought I had gotten over her. I had went through an episode of depression throughout the break however it had nothing to do with LO. However, I get back to school and I see her and, to my chagrin, my heart swelled. Every time I looked at her triggered an extreme euphoria (emphasis on EXTREME) as if I had smoked crack. I tried to stop myself but all I could do was wander the hallways in circles hoping to get another glimpse of her. After a while I began to worry she might notice and think I was stalking her or something, but of course I continued my behavior.

Cut to the last day of school - I don't know if I'm coming back next year or not and the thought of never again resting my eyes upon the theoretical love of my life was killing me. I had also just received the school yearbook, which had her name and picture in it, circled in hearts and lovey stuff I had written there. The fact that I had an image of her gave me the idea to do something rather creepy - I went to school and did my usual wandering, except I had put a burst camera app on my phone and whenever I saw LO I made sure to discreetly take as many pictures as I could. I dont think I was too obvious about it, I just held my phone in my hand to my side and held the camera button.

I spent all summer fantasising about her as I relentlessly stared at the photos. However, the photos were pretty blurry because my phone had a bad camera. I got a new phone over the summer, and when I went back to school I made it a point to get more pictures. The first day of school I was hardly able to get any because I only saw her twice, and the first time I actually became physically dizzy - to the point where I almost fell down - and ended up with a bunch of photos of the floor. Because of this I went back for more the next day- and the next day and the next.

After a while I felt like utter crap. I don't think I've ever felt such self loathing as I did those two weeks; how could I let myself participate in such creepy and likely illegal behavior? I decided to stop - but I didn't actually delete the pictures I just saved them onto a cloud and stared from there.

Cut to two weeks after the first day - I've finally had enough and realized that this will not fade on its own. I had to spill the beans, but I was too nervous to just walk up to somebody so utterly attractive and confess my feelings for her. I will not disclose the specifics of how I managed to tell her because it can potentially be used to identify me but it involved a letter.

The next day, I'm basically hiding from her and everyone else, worried sick about what would happen. After an entire day of avoidance, I walk past her and her friend by the stairs. I tried to creep by unnoticed but the friend said hi to me in a relatively attention grabbing way, which caused LO to notice me. I considered myself effectively dead, but it wasn't like that. Instead she just asked some questions about aforementioned letter (not actually ever addressing my crush on her, first red flag) and I just went about my day as usual afterwards.

The next month is a blur - all the memories I really retained were interactions with her. She doesn't seem so interested at first, but about a week in I see her at lunch and decide to start a conversation. That conversation went overwhelmingly well, and she started showing genuine interest! But it wasn't all good: she blatantly lied about never having kissed (I saw her kiss an (ex?) boyfriend like a year earlier) and tried to talk me into fooling around with other guys. That right there should have been enough right there to snap me out of it but of course limerence wasn't going to have it.

The rest of the month goes by and she starts doing the worst thing an LO can possibly do - giving me mixed signals! Sometimes she just ignored me, other times she acted just as smitten as I was and participated in some extremely flirty banter. Of course these brief spurts of obvious attraction fueled my LE to the highest level. Literally the ONLY thing I could think of was LO, everything else was either too cloudy or not there at all. This extended to basic needs/skills, like eating and conversation skills. For that whole month I felt like an empty shell of a person - that I existed only to be with LO. I had no meaningful conversation with anyone but her. I was completely dependent.

Then the next month starts and shes back to the uninterested side of things. One day she decides to be flirty with TWO guys right in front of me and each other, and I decided enough is enough and walked away without a word from either of us. We have not spoken since. I went back to school for a while longer, but the longer I spent the worse my LE got despite me going out of my way to avoid LO and not start conversations with her. Eventually, with my nerves completely broken and waking up every morning in a state of autistic meltdown, I decided to just drop out. I know I'm going to regret it, but there was no other way past this severe and gruesome episode of limerence. If I didn't choose to leave school I know I would have ended up committing suicide because I was seriously contemplating (I even held a large knife to my own neck one morning).

Now I've been NC with LO for a month, slowly moving on. I still dream of her on a near nightly basis, and sometimes I still just cant stop myself from fantasising. I've deleted all the pictures of her so I don't have that anymore - but seeing literally anything pertaining to high school or seeing a romantic couple of any type (or on a bad day even just a dark haired female or certain letters of the alphabet) triggers me and occasionally sends me into episodes of rage/anxiety/overload, or just straight limerent fantasy.

NC and all that stuff isnt an issue for me - I want the fantasising to stop. I want this what seems to be PTSD to stop. I wish the idea of her would just vanish from existence. LO was an inherently toxic individual and i do not like her as a person but no matter how hard I try I cannot shake the thoughts of my romanticized version of her - what could have been, what if she did like me back, what if we had sex, etc. I think I am starting to get better; the fantasies and dreams are more sexually-driven and focused on her physical appearance while it used to just be anything with her in it, even just mundane activities like playing Minecraft together. I hope this will be completely over by the end of the year but I'm not holding my breath.

Sorry for the wall of text - I just had to get this off my chest.
Xaphan, the limerent clown :ymparty:

NVTS
Posts: 555
Joined: Wed Sep 13, 2017 4:49 pm
Fiji

Re: Long story...

Post by NVTS » Sun Nov 10, 2019 7:06 pm

Welcome limerent payaso!

I presume you’re in high school soon to graduate? I had my 3rd or fourth LE in high school and they were some of the worst years of my life. It was the beginning of of a life of underachieving and self loathing.

Be grateful that this condition now has a definition and resources for help like this forum. Hopefully you will have earlier understanding of yourself andwhat it is about your psyche that makes you prone to this condition.

Get in and buckle up for the roller coaster of your life!!
We are all here to help!
M-47-married
LO- married 48,work colleagues

User avatar
Xaphan
Posts: 5
Joined: Sun Nov 10, 2019 6:46 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Long story...

Post by Xaphan » Sun Nov 10, 2019 7:38 pm

NVTS wrote:
Sun Nov 10, 2019 7:06 pm
I presume you’re in high school soon to graduate?
Yes. I'm in junior year and LO is in sophomore.
NVTS wrote:
Sun Nov 10, 2019 7:06 pm
Be grateful that this condition now has a definition and resources for help like this forum. Hopefully you will have earlier understanding of yourself andwhat it is about your psyche that makes you prone to this condition.

Get in and buckle up for the roller coaster of your life!!
We are all here to help!
I felt so relieved when I found out limerence was a thing. I've had a few other LEs before this one (all now NC except my first who I became just friends with) and I thought there was something wrong with me specifically that nobody else could possibly comprehend - knowing that there's others with the same problem and that a forum like this exists really eases my nerves.
Xaphan, the limerent clown :ymparty:

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests