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Shameless basking

For those not quite ready to start looking at their limerence as a condition that needs working on.
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Maddie
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Re: Shameless basking

Post by Maddie » Wed Oct 30, 2019 8:04 pm

The struggle is so real. I've never experienced anything that I was so driven to do knowing AHEAD OF TIME the shame that I'd feel. I guess my shameless basking has circled back to shame. WTF.
39, F
LO, 50 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

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Watchmaker
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Re: Shameless basking

Post by Watchmaker » Wed Oct 30, 2019 8:35 pm

Hi Maddie,

I feel for you. My relationship with LO recently came to an apocalyptic end of epic proportions. Any chance of hope to repair or restore the friendship is now certainly, completely obliterated and annihilated - never to return again. My anger at and with LO just grew and grew in the recent weeks and days, as she gave me more and more reason to hate her.

And yet... I guess the limerence is not all the way dead... because in the back of my brain there is some twisted, confused hope or dream or wishful thinking. If the genie could give me one wish, I'd wish for it to go back to the way it was. And yet I also know that the way it was, was a way of deceit for me.

Take courage as others have encouraged you in this thread. Consider the cautionary tales of woe from those who've gone on before and shared their regrets, etc. Praying you will be able to err on the side of the 'thank Gods' and avoid the 'woulda/shoulda/couldas'.


WM
M, 42
LO F, 36
LE began 5 years ago, or this year (not sure)
Disclosed to SO

"The watchmaker works all day and long into the night
He pieces things together, despite his failing sight"

Maddie
Posts: 1079
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Re: Shameless basking

Post by Maddie » Wed Oct 30, 2019 8:56 pm

Watchmaker wrote:
Wed Oct 30, 2019 8:35 pm
Praying you will be able to err on the side of the 'thank Gods' and avoid the 'woulda/shoulda/couldas'.


WM
thank you so much.
39, F
LO, 50 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

Maddie
Posts: 1079
Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2018 1:09 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Shameless basking

Post by Maddie » Thu Nov 07, 2019 9:40 pm

He made the comment today, "Someone asked if you were my wife. I said, no, I'm not married. She's a close friend. That was nice."

Ok...so WHAT exactly was nice? I want to ask him this, and probably will. However, what would I do with his answer anyway? It's like wanting an invitation to a party that you don't plan to attend...but on a much more serious scale...

what is fantasy and what is reality? I want to get to the bottom of this. He often seems just as giddy about it all. There's a part of me that's terribly excited about all of it. The passion, the interest, the desire to see me (really whenever) is deeply appealing-- he expresses the same appreciation.

I know I'm not SUPPOSED to wonder about any of this...it's about me. I get it. Hope and uncertainty persist.

* please do not copy*
39, F
LO, 50 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

Bridget
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Re: Shameless basking

Post by Bridget » Thu Nov 07, 2019 10:59 pm

Maddie, he's not making any of this easy for you, is he? ;)

Do you know what you want out of this relationship?

Acrobatica
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Re: Shameless basking

Post by Acrobatica » Fri Nov 08, 2019 12:49 am

Maddie:

I am coming to believe we focus on LOs perspective and what LO needs because we needed to focus on our parents that way for our own safety.

Conversely, I have learned a lot about myself by watching and pondering exactly what LO does to cause me to obsess. What hooks me. I think we might be able to use some of this rumination for our own self awareness.

Sending you love and support.

Maddie
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Re: Shameless basking

Post by Maddie » Fri Nov 08, 2019 9:13 pm

oh, I am sitting on pins and needles. I have texted him about something to do with tonight ( a short visit) and he has not responded. ugh. I know that's a good thing though (that he has not responded). I am praying that I do not go see him tonight if I don't hear from him. I don't ever want to seem clingy, although I am. I don't even want to pick up my phone in fear that he still has not responded. see, this is all after those over the top comments by him yesterday. confusing! does anyone remember what it was like to feel this way? I feel all anxious and like I want to cry. is this attachment stuff? I keep editing this and coming back to this site repeatedly to add more. I feel stuck. Like do I text back now? go on with my life? I think I'll do the latter. plus, I think I'll pray even though part of me does not want this to end. that's why it's affecting me spiritually bc I know how wrong this is. but that should not hinder me from praying. this is a state where I feel like the ONLY thing that would help me is to hear from him. I really thought he was crazy about me, but now I'm thinking differently. maybe this experience (however tiny, really) will help me to see reality as best I can. Reality being= love myself enough to go NC. and THIS time, when I go NC..I am not going to say some really revealing stuff such as..."I just cant take feeling for you the way I do." or some version of "I cant handle this." I think I should just say, "I cant do this." I also wonder if he's trustworthy, really . possibly too late to wonder about that. what would you say when you go NC?

This is just one of the many reasons to end this relationship. I am needlessly torturing myself. I want to text him back or tell him it hurt my feelings if he does not text back. once again, this is all futile. I must still be believing in "the dream" of a relationship where I am valued and loved. that's what it boils down to . I think that's the answer to the question you posed to me, Bridget. I can further explain later, I think it would help.
39, F
LO, 50 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

Maddie
Posts: 1079
Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2018 1:09 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Shameless basking

Post by Maddie » Sat Nov 09, 2019 12:16 am

He never did respond. maybe he left his phone at home. maybe I should have gone up there to see him. Or, maybe he ignored me.

Not to punish him, but it is really time to let go. it's just going to be painful to look at all I've done. But, I can see, this is the way out.
39, F
LO, 50 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

Bridget
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Re: Shameless basking

Post by Bridget » Sat Nov 09, 2019 12:46 am

Maddie wrote:
Fri Nov 08, 2019 9:13 pm

This is just one of the many reasons to end this relationship. I am needlessly torturing myself. I want to text him back or tell him it hurt my feelings if he does not text back. once again, this is all futile. I must still be believing in "the dream" of a relationship where I am valued and loved. that's what it boils down to . I think that's the answer to the question you posed to me, Bridget. I can further explain later, I think it would help.
Nothing wrong with wanting to be valued and loved! Same for me. I would like to hear more when you're ready, Maddie.

Maddie
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Re: Shameless basking

Post by Maddie » Mon Nov 11, 2019 2:49 am

@ Bridget

I would love to be in a relationship where my partner acted like I was his...now not in a possessive way, or sick way. There's not a lot of physical affection, especially not in public. He does not say ANYTHING to me when I walk in the door after coming home from work. It's like I'm invisible.
If we go anywhere, it's not uncommon for us to get out of the car and him be ahead of me walking, leaving me to walk in alone (say at church, a family function, wherever). Just a couple examples. In a lot of ways, I've had female roommates that I am seemingly closer to.

Now, I know these things are changeable, but in the past I'd been so resentful at the idea of having to ask for any of this. Like if I have to request that you make eye contact with me and say "hi" when I come in from work...c'mon now! However, I cannot let that resentment or attitude get in the way of talking to him. If I am choosing to stay in the marriage and work at it, I have to be willing to lower my pride and be real about some things. Cause I know I fall short in a lot of ways too.

So LO was attractive to me because he made me feel visible, important, and he always seemed VERY eager to spend time with me. I was pretty miffed Friday when for the first time in a long time I got no response from him on a day when we were supposed to see each other for a few minutes. What's crazy is that the day before I had begun thinking he was in love with me and I was thinking I was going to have a decision to make in the future about whether to stay or go with regards to my primary relationship. yes-- it had actually come to that. I could see myself progressing thru the stages of limerence. I made a vow to go NC, but as Monday approaches, I suspect he'll message with some GREAT reason why he did not message Friday. maybe not though...I really do not want to appear angry (although I am) about his lack of response... I do not want to appear angry enough to end the relationship (as a result of my anger, know what I mean?). But...I am all the better for not seeing him Friday! It allowed my rational self to check back in long enough for me to say to myself...this relationship is impossible/is a mistake/is something frankly I'm angry at myself about/is preventing me from actually living my life. I also have to admit the ugly truth that I was using him to supplement my marriage. and he loved it! LOL he did not want to take me away from the hubby...oh no! I hope to start making some rational, healthy decisions so that I can heal...

and one day post from the "what worked for me" section!

plz don't copy
39, F
LO, 50 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

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